Thursday, 24 December 2015

That time 2015 kicked my ass....

It’s crazy when you think about how much you’re life can change in the span of a year.

Facebook memories popped up with the picture of me at my graduation last year, and I remember the uncertainty of life. I was graduating with a degree but had no prospects of a job and the fear of being a huge failure was practically choking me.

The freedom I felt however was exhilarating, but the reality of a life that loomed before me - one which might not allow me to follow my basic life plan - was scary.

The young man who stood there was fearful but he also knew deep down that he was smart enough to do whatever was necessary to make something of his life. He would find a way to make it work. Of course oftentimes he forgot that, but occasionally he would be reminded of the fact that he had endured so much to get to where he was, and the fact that he graduated was an achievement in itself.

Fast forward a year and a few days, and I look at that picture of myself, finding it hard to believe how much has changed in a year. How much I have changed in a year.

The first three months of the year were the worst because I sat at home looking for my first job, and it felt like an uphill battle. Everyone told me to not put so much pressure on myself, but that is the type of person I am.

I over-think, I internalise, and I worry that made no one wants to hire me because I am not worth hiring. There are so many more qualified people out there and maybe they would do a better job than I would? What if I am not good enough?

Luckily, someone did want to employ me, and boy did it change my life.

2015 has been a life changing year for me because I learned so much about myself.

I discovered what it is like to make mistakes and learn from them, I found out what it is like to work hard, I learned how much fun it can be to work on story that you have spent months preparing. I realised how fortunate I was to be doing something that challenged me and I realised what it meant for people to not always understand where you are coming from because they have their own notions and agendas that they attach to you.

What I loved about this year is that it was not easy, but it was exciting, frustrating, exhausting and rewarding.

I discovered what it meant to have my heart broken, because I fell too fast, and too hard for someone who didn't feel the same and then when it all came crumbling down I had to figure out how to cope with feelings I have never felt before. Only in the aftermath did I realise that my heart had been broken because taking as long as I did to get over some guy who I had spent two months with affected me too deeply.

Heather and I singing our hearts out
I recall having a lovely conversation with my friend Heather in a kitchen at 12 o’clock at night, where we were talking about how I was coping after the break-up.  I had mentioned that I was letting it affect me too much because we were only together for two months, like lame right? She then told me it’s not lame because of the type of person I am. When I had asked her what she had meant, she explained that ever since she knew me, I was never one to do something without letting myself fully experience it; it had made sense to her that when I would give into the feeling and just experience it without abandon.

I was fortunate enough to learn a lesson from the experience, which was that to be more cautious and just let the chips fall where they may. I struggle to do that in other areas of my life, but I know it will be a lesson, I will be hard-pressed to forget.

The break-up proved to be for the better because work suddenly became very demanding and I was overwhelmed. How in the hell I would have managed if I still had to be worry about a relationship too would have been anyone’s guess...

2015 was an eye opening year, it had ups, and it had downs and it was enlightening.
The #FeesMustFallProtests, the unique experiences I have had, getting to have my work printed in the newspaper and published online, and with my love of music to constantly help carry me through.

It was a year I will forever be grateful for.

The young man in that graduation picture in 2014 would have no idea just how much 2015 would change him. I would not have believed it myself if I had not experienced it.

As we inch closer to closing the chapter on 2015, and begin the new chapter of 2016, I have no clue what lies ahead, but only that I will try my best no matter what the challenge.

There will be splendid days, there will be dark ones and there will be ones that I will feel like I have reached the end of my rope, but it will be a year that will only help me become a better person and learn more about myself.

2016, may you be good to me.

Theo. Over and Out.

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