I don’t have the personality to fall in love...
That may seem like a stupid thing to say because everyone has the capacity to fall in love. As a hopeless romantic, it is even something I strongly believe in that everyone will find the person who makes their heart skip a beat and cause all the warm fuzzy feelings.
I know that eventually I will find someone and all of this will be null and void but I’m focusing on the present because who’s to say that “eventually” will happen? I could die in a day...
Unlikely, sure, but it could happen.
Anyway, the reason why I said that is because I noticed in my habits of crushing on someone, and the only relationship I’ve ever been in, that there are some personality traits of mine that are just not conducive to falling for someone.
® Obsessive behaviour – Naturally, when you start connecting with someone, you want to spend more time with them and talk to them. There is an expected level of excitement and anticipation when you’re talking and messaging someone but then there is also the obsessive level. With this, I obsess over what was said, the meaning behind a smiley and the implication of ellipses... Obsessing over what gets said or doesn’t get said just further complicates whatever I may be feeling. It just fosters doubt.
® Doubt – Doubting my feelings and doubting whether what I feel is reciprocated, is another trait that hinders my feelings for someone from developing. I know when I like someone but I will still doubt if I like someone enough and then also doubt how the other person feels about me. It just becomes counter-productive.
One of the things I do when I know that I like someone is try to reason it. I try to find the logic in what I’m feeling and make sense of it. I once asked a friend of mine if it was possible to be rational when you’re dating someone and she said no, “You can’t be rational because this is someone you throw rationality out the window for. You care about them and want to make them happy. That doesn’t mean you become blind to who they are and their flaws; you just allow your feelings to lead.” Doing this is pretty impossible for me. Not because I don’t want to make some happy, just that letting that rational side go is the issue.
Inability to fully let my guard down –
For reasons too full of angst and personal experiences I’ve developed this apprehension to fully letting someone behind my guarded walls. Sure we all have walls that we put up but it differs in the sense that naturally I’m a very open person. There is this dichotomy of personality where I am sometimes even too forthcoming and open, but letting someone one step further into my emotions is a no-go. Everything else is available for consumption but just stay away from my feelings and my inner dark side that has experienced pain. I tried to explain this to my ex and they understood it, but I think that the reason our relationship broke down was because I was reluctant to fully let someone into my world and see my inner flaws. I take onus for the relationship not going the distance because it was on me for not opening up.
Needing space –
I realised from my previous relationship that I need space. I don’t do well with people in my space for too long; that feeling of needing my own space and being left alone to my own devices sometimes becomes a necessity. It’s natural to want to have alone time, but it is different when you want to have alone time a large portion of the time. Checking in with someone and explaining where I’m going, who I’m with, where I was and etc. just seems tiring and easily feels claustrophobic to me.
Past experiences –
I’m the type of person who learns from other people’s mistakes because I don’t want to make the same mistakes as others but all this ends up doing is stopping me from making any decision that could lead to a mistake. I end up not doing something because I think I’ll make a mistake so I just do nothing. In this case, learning from other people’s mistakes becomes a hindrance because you aren’t living your live out fully; you become scared of failure. Instead of just letting things be, I analyse.
I understand that all of this sounds like a “woe is me” post but I don’t need or want your pity. I wrote this blog post because I know I’m not the only person out there who goes through this, and sometimes finding the words to verbalise how all of the above feels is impossible. For some people allowing themselves to develop feelings for someone and falling for that individual is like riding a bike; for others it’s like being sent into space without training. You could die from the heart attack of not knowing what to do.
It’s just a long neurotic, anxious and stressful process... Pity Elsa isn’t here to help us “Let It Go”.
I sometimes wonder if my obsession with being a hopeless romantic stems from my an subconscious belief that it’s just all made up; it’s okay to believe in it because it’s like believing in the Easter bunny- it hurts no one and everyone feels happier for it.
Then again, it could be that I just need time to grow out of my habits and let life runs its course....
Que Sera Sera...Whatever will be, will be.
Until then, table for one.
Theo. Over and Out.