The Racist Interns

"Hello from the other side!!!"

That title is very misleading, because this has nothing to do with racist interns but rather the interns from the anti-racism campaign, “Racism Stops With Me” that my employer is running.

I’ve taken to calling them the racist interns because it’s shorter, easier and a little provocative if I am being honest. Of course everyone in the office gets a bit on edge when I call them the racist interns but it comes from a place mischievousness and affection.

It has been interesting having so many new interns in the office.

"Ooh child, can you not touch my jacket"

In January there was just a colleague, our team leader and I in our division, and then in February our team leader went on a 3 month course and it was just the two of us, followed by then in March when my colleague broke his hand and it essentially put him out for the whole month.

To save you a large rambling “woe is me” bit, things were rough and I was in a very dark overwhelming place (still in a dark place but that is more due to my emotional state than work). I don’t know how I survived March but I did.

So, things have been interesting time when contrasting how we are now with 4 permanent staffers in our office with 7 interns, and the number of people in our office is still set to grow. We’ve even needed to move out of our office.

Needless to say, things have drastically changed and there are quite a few people now.

What has been interesting and playing on my mind a lot is how I have reacted to all of this.

I was an intern myself up until the end of March and then became a permanent employee, and now I work in an office with interns. They joined us at the start of May, but it has been a very interesting few weeks since they came into the office.

There are so many personalities to get used to, and questions asked, things to be managed, and work that still needs to be done while all of us are still learning and finding out about each other.

Getting things turnt after work. We were hanging the next day.

The thing that has me a bit worried about myself is how motherly I’ve been around the interns. Yes, you read that right. I used the word motherly.

Working with the new interns has been great, I only call them interns because it is a collective term that makes it easier to refer to them than naming all of them (which props to myself, is something I can do because I made sure to learn their names within a day or two).

It feels nice to be in a place where you can share information and skills with each other. Part of the fun is how much I have learned from them as well, but something that I am trying to keep in check and from getting too out of hand is how motherly I have been with them.

I want them to succeed and do their very best. It won’t be easy because I know how it felt a year ago to be a position where you are doing things that you are still adjusting too and it can all be daunting. I want for them to feel appreciated and that that they are working in an environment they can enjoy.

The issue however, which is something I have to be mindful of, is being overbearing.

I can be very intense. I have that type of personality where I can be very intense, but it doesn’t always come out in typical ways. With the interns I feel like I am constantly checking on “if they are okay” and if they need help with anything.

These fools always on that "dropping the hottest mixtape" pose

I have over the past few days been easing up on it, and letting them do their own thing and hoping that instead they will come to me when the need my help, but that has made me worried that they might feel like I am distancing myself from them and that I have no interest in helping them.

I have been learning about myself, and I think that as exhausting as my self-awareness of my behaviour can be, it’s also advantageous. It certainly feels that way in this case.

My boss just gave us a talking to about this and actually pointed out that they will learn things in time. We can't baby them, because in all honesty, no one babied us.

We learned by trial and error.

I think I will ease up on the motherly thing quick enough without being too distanced and nonchalant, while also avoiding being overbearing.

I think what will be important for me to focus on will be remembering what I was doing and guide them along the way; but doing so in a way that that is beneficial for them and helping their own growth.

Also, before I lose perspective - I HAVE MY OWN WORK TO DO. Like duh.

But all thing considered, I am sure they won’t be the only one to grow from the experience.

Theo. Over and Out.

I surprised this guy with this photo. He was not impressed.
Sorry Balo.

PS - These are just some of the interns, not all. There wasn't enough space.

It hurts, but it's okay...

I had a bit of rough day yesterday...

It was one of those days when you feel overwhelmed by life. I have a laundry list of things that needs to be done but it feels like I don’t have enough time to get it done. Also it doesn’t help that I put pressure on myself to do all the things that I set out.

I have constantly felt like I haven’t worked hard enough to achieve all the things that I should. I looked around at those my age who have achieved so much and I can't help but feel like I could be doing more, working harder, trying to get to that next stage of my life.

I have to sort out my driver’s this year, possibly find a new permanent job (which can afford me the luxury of moving out) if my current employment can't keep me on –which would suck because I like where I work – but all that aside, there is also the creative person in me who has written three novels and wants to see one of them become published in my lifetime.

My life has followed my loose plan (if I can even call it a plan) thus far and I am so scared of easing up on pursuing my plans because then as soon as I give in it mind lead me to feeling stagnant.

All of these feelings have been compounded by the fact that it never feels like I have enough time to accomplish what I set out.

It leaves me feeling overwhelmed because time flies by and I don’t want to wake up one day feeling like I never made the best of my life. I want to travel, and to take my mother with me because it is something we have never experienced but only dreamed of.

When most your friends have travelled and been able to experience a new countries and cultures, but all you have are pictures, ideas and fantasies of these places, it leaves this gaping feeling like I’m missing out on this educational and changing experience...but the thing is I don’t want to do it because I have fomo (fear of missing out), I want to do it because it is has been this life long goal.

Not only that, it is something that my mother and my entire family has dreamed of for me. The joy I see in their face because they are proud of me makes me happy. The pressure does feel overwhelming, but when all these people have had such faith in you – more than what you might have in yourself - the last thing you want to do is let them down.

It was hard for me when I came out as gay because, while it was freeing to finally acknowledge this intrinsic part of me that I could no longer deny, the look of disappointment from my family hurt because when you only have showed them the best of you, seeing that disappointment at what they think is the worst of you kills a part you.

I think in some ways it has contributed towards being this driving force for me in wanting that domestic bliss with the picket fence, the husband, the children and dogs I want to show them that living this “lifestyle” is not going to lead me down some depraved road but instead can lead me to one of my biggest success of my life.

I struggle with being gay still, I hide it well between jokes and innuendos and etc but it is not something that I always feel comfortable with because it was one of the things that drove me from Christianity, I also haven’t found that community that I feel entirely a part of and so I just drift along.

The gay friends I have are those I knew before they came out of picked up one or two others from other friends but in my group of friends I am that gay one. That is my title. Typically the only other gay people I usually make friends with are the ones I date.

I have been feeling so frustrated about this being single but a part of me feels that it is for that very reason why I need to be single. Being in a relationship for the sake of it or because a person feels lonely only does more harm than good in the long term.

I had spoken to my friend about this and she aptly captured how I was feeling because she could relate to it:

“It is difficult being in a situation where you want something but the wanting that something becomes the reason why you can’t have it. It’s the stupidest little conundrum. The lesson though is probably that you need to become content with your life as it is to be in the best place to share it with someone...”

It is a frustrating circular situation to be in because you could very well be self-sabotaging yourself.

Also there is this fact that I never feel like I have enough time for my friends and it sucks because they have always been there for me but I barely have had the time (or energy) to write this blog post but I had to commit. Hopefully I will find a way to do better.

So much of what I feel can be so exhausting and I try to not overthink things because it only makes me depressed. I try to be the relaxed and level headed Theo who smiles a lot and wants to make people smile because life can already be depressing enough but I don’t always win that battle.

It is why I am grateful for work, books and series that entertain me because it all forces me to focus on a task and not get too far into my own head. Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy...

I had thought this was going to be a blog post that followed smoothly but my mind had other things in mind so I apologise for the sometimes muddle train of thought this post went on. As I said, yesterday was a rough day.

Hopefully things will feel better.


Theo. Over and Out.

Things said in Anger...

Time

You’re seething with anger, and you aren’t thinking clearly, so there you go and say something so cruel you don’t even recognise yourself...

It happens, and it is something that you have to learn to deal with – no matter what side of the argument you find yourself on.

I became very interested in this “Things said in Anger” topic following a big argument that I had with my mother.

I won’t get into the details but following the argument, my mother then not only launched the dustpan, but she also aimed and threw her ceramic bowl, which had been half-filled with cereal, at me.

It didn't hit me, but the point was to intimidate me.

I left shortly thereafter to go to work, but needless to say that it was a day that I don’t want to experience again.

The whole day I felt this knot in my stomach, and I had also gotten stuck on this notion of things said in anger.

Some people get aggressive when angry, not just physically but verbally too.

Swear words are quickly thrown at you, and things are said with the intent to hurt you.

What I found interesting about it, well interesting is bad word but it was something that caught my attention, was how issues from years ago suddenly reared its head.

Things that you thought had been dealt with were once again laid bare, all with the intent to cause guilt and hurt.

It just goes show that sometimes we say we’re past an issue, but sometimes that is a lie.

I never get angry, and a large part is that I am scared of what I might do or say...

I have this huge fear of getting violent, but more so of hurting someone with words – of saying something so full of vitriol and malice that you just want hurt this other person's feelings as much as you can.

It is frightening, and people sometimes underestimate just how much damaged can be done with words.

Sure, you can argue that things said in anger are not thoughts of a sober mind, but they are things that you feel without any filtering or editing because they are purely instinctive.

Some can forgive, but if you are someone like me, you will always be aware of those things somewhere in your mind. Even if things were said in anger, they came from a place within the person where they thought or felt like that at a particular point.

However not all things said in anger can be a bad thing...

Sometimes things said in anger reveal a hidden part of ourselves that we didn’t want to deal with. By revealing that hidden part, it may lead us to processing things that we weren’t aware of.

Not all anger is a bad thing, because sometimes anger gives us courage to say the things we may be afraid to say.

Things said in anger sometimes reveal more than what we would like to. It puts us at our most vulnerable but also at our most volatile.

It reveals all the baggage that we carry with us, moments and experiences we've collected - all of which have left an indelible mark on us - and then depending on which person we are angry at, these moments and experiences come bubbling up. Sometimes when they do come up, we may choose to use it as a weapon.

Weaponised aggression.

Anger is a valid emotion, but it a dangerous one. People have committed murders in anger because they were consumed by the emotion.

You have every right to feel angry, because it is a natural human emotion that you will feel at some point, but you have to be careful of what you do with that anger. The words you say when angry may cause irreparable harm, and the physical manifestations of that anger present a greater hazard.

There is no tried and tested method to deal with anger but we all have to find our own quirks because if we don’t that very anger may just consume you from the inside out.

Schindlers List

Theo. Over and Out.


PS - What the whole experience with my mother had also revealed to me about myself was that all I wanted to do was speak to one specific person, but it was someone who I couldn’t speak to. It proved to be an informative experience of how to do deal with a matter when you can’t speak to the person you would like to.

Mental Health Awareness

 You are ill, and while there is nothing physically wrong with you, you continue to suffer in silence.

This is the struggle for many people who are suffering from a mental illness across the country. October is Mental Health Awareness month in South Africa, and it is a issue that needs to be discussed, as the stigma surrounding mental illness still unfairly persists.

Many individuals, families and co-workers, and the broader community are affected by it, and yet, many still treat mental illness as a taboo subject.

Very few South Africans seek treatment for their mental disorders, seeing it as problem that cannot be overcome. In actuality treatment is available at the nearest clinic, hospital or healthcare provider.

I asked some people to share their thoughts on why it is important to speak about mental health and this is what they had to say.

Chloe:

"Talking about mental health is so important. I have a form of OCD called purely obsessional OCD, and for the longest time I thought that there was something completely wrong with me, and that no one would understand what was going on. Eventually my mum convinced me to see a therapist. It took a few different therapists and much uphill from me (because I thought that seeing a therapist meant there was something wrong and broken about me), but I eventually got the right diagnosis. Being on anti-depressants has helped me in more ways than I can count. I am so much happier now, and able to deal with the intrusive thoughts in a much more productive way. Looking back on it, if there wasn't such a stigma around mental illness, I would have gotten help a lot sooner, and I would have been more receptive to that help. I think it's so important to let people know that seeking help for your mental health problems is brave and wonderful, and that looking after yourself is the most important thing you c an do"

Nabs: 

"I think it is important to educate yourself about mental health illnesses. As a person who looked after someone with dementia it is very important to educate yourself so that [you] can look after the person accordingly."

According to the Psychology Today website: 

"Depressive Disorders is not a passing blue mood, but rather a persistent feeling of sadness and worthless and a lack of desire to engage in formerly pleasurable activities. A complex mind/body illness, depression can be treated with drugs and/or therapy."

I want to make a distinction clear before I tackle something personal. I am a bit reluctant to discuss it because I don't to disrespect or trivialise those suffering from depression.

The only reason why I am tackling this personal experience, is because it is why I find talking about mental health to be very important.

A few years back, I was in a depressive slump. I felt hollow and like I was living my life a state of grey. I wasn't always sad but it was like a invisible darkness that clung to my soul and no one else could see.

I remember there were weeks that I would feel like I was broken. I wondered what it would be like if I was gone. Would anyone miss me? I figured that for all intents and purposes, I was already nonexistent so it wouldn't have been any different from how I felt.

There is another instance that I will never forget because it still give me chills thinking back to that moment.

I was lying on my bed staring at the wall, and that was all I did for about three hours. I was alone in my room. No music, no nothing... just staring at the wall feeling numb and like nothing mattered.

I feel asleep sometime, and woke up when someone needed me. After that I just tried to fill the void I felt with series or movies because it distracted my mind from feeling numb.

I came out of my depressed slump as soon as I started facing my truth - I was gay.

Now here is why I made that distinction at the start.

I suffered from a depressive slump, I was not depressed.

Depression is a condition.

I live a life experiencing all the joys and sadness of life, but for people suffering from depression they have to face the battle of getting through everyday feeling unmotivated and a seemingly never-ending pit of sadness.

Depression, like many other mental illnesses, can be treated but there is such a stigma around mental illness in this country, and the world, that those who often need treatment don't get it.

THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

A friend, directed me to her blog post titled: "When Darkness Descends..." which I highly suggest you give a read because she honestly speaks about her struggle with depression.

For now I will just quote this piece of it:

"Some people just don’t understand depression. They don’t know how to deal with someone who has it. The feeling of loneliness… the isolation can be worse than the illness. Then there is the uncertainty…that you leaving normal life for some other place. All too often, we are told to snap out of it. We are shamed into thinking there is something wrong with us and thus sufferers fail to seek treatment. It’s time that society stops treating depression this way. We need to raise awareness.

...Depression is treatable but getting help is not as straightforward as simply throwing meds down your throat. Meds is only part of the equation. Getting well and staying well involves eating and sleeping right, diet and exercise and having a support group.

Don’t be afraid to reach out. Someone will be there for you."

Posts like hers highlight why just how important it is to speak about mental illness.

So many people need to realise that there is nothing wrong with admitting that they are suffering from depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, and other mental illnesses.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.

This past week, I've taken to reading about bipolar disorder

.

I felt compelled to find out more about it following time I spent with someone who has Type 2 bipolar disorder. This person was actually the one who made me realise how important it is to be aware and speak about mental health

.

One of the post's that I shared was commented on by a friend. A friend who I had absolutely no clue had bipolar disorder. She left this comment on the post which forced me to actually sit up and think about how we treat people living with mental illnesses.

Tk: "What I cannot stand is referring to people as bipolar... Or any other mental illness because I think it contributes to the whole stigma of us being defined by our illness, you know? I'm always like okay yeah, I have bipolar, not I am bipolar. Cause I'm me first before anything else... Is that just me or do other people feel that?"

Me: "I think it is ignorance and a lack of understanding for the large part. I make that mistake sometimes. Often people suffering from a mental illness are described by the condition instead of being a person who happens to be suffering from a mental illness. It is unfair and unfortunate but it is the stigma and lack of knowledge around mental health issues."

As someone currently not suffering from a mental illness, I am trying to educate myself on these matters. There might be some things in this post that may be offensive to those with mental illness or I might have used the wrong terms so please feel free to educate me in the comments section below.

Mental Health needs to be discussed without stigma or judgement. I really hope that at least one person has learned something from this post.

I am including the details for the South African Depression and Anxiety Group known as SADAG, because if you need to speak to stranger who will understand what you are going through, then they are certainly the people.

Number: 011 234 4837

Read more at http://www.sadag.org

Love yourself, and please take care of yourself.  If you need someone to talk to then please contact SADAG or contact me.

Theo. Over and Out.

Sidebar - To elaborate on the whole accepting my truth as gay thing - I still needed 4 sessions with a councilor to properly adjust, but this just highlights how important it is to speak to someone about what you are going through. Speak out.

In closing I will leave you with this comic strip from Buzzfeed. Love Buzzfeed.

Source: Buzzfeed