It hurts, but it's okay...

I had a bit of rough day yesterday...

It was one of those days when you feel overwhelmed by life. I have a laundry list of things that needs to be done but it feels like I don’t have enough time to get it done. Also it doesn’t help that I put pressure on myself to do all the things that I set out.

I have constantly felt like I haven’t worked hard enough to achieve all the things that I should. I looked around at those my age who have achieved so much and I can't help but feel like I could be doing more, working harder, trying to get to that next stage of my life.

I have to sort out my driver’s this year, possibly find a new permanent job (which can afford me the luxury of moving out) if my current employment can't keep me on –which would suck because I like where I work – but all that aside, there is also the creative person in me who has written three novels and wants to see one of them become published in my lifetime.

My life has followed my loose plan (if I can even call it a plan) thus far and I am so scared of easing up on pursuing my plans because then as soon as I give in it mind lead me to feeling stagnant.

All of these feelings have been compounded by the fact that it never feels like I have enough time to accomplish what I set out.

It leaves me feeling overwhelmed because time flies by and I don’t want to wake up one day feeling like I never made the best of my life. I want to travel, and to take my mother with me because it is something we have never experienced but only dreamed of.

When most your friends have travelled and been able to experience a new countries and cultures, but all you have are pictures, ideas and fantasies of these places, it leaves this gaping feeling like I’m missing out on this educational and changing experience...but the thing is I don’t want to do it because I have fomo (fear of missing out), I want to do it because it is has been this life long goal.

Not only that, it is something that my mother and my entire family has dreamed of for me. The joy I see in their face because they are proud of me makes me happy. The pressure does feel overwhelming, but when all these people have had such faith in you – more than what you might have in yourself - the last thing you want to do is let them down.

It was hard for me when I came out as gay because, while it was freeing to finally acknowledge this intrinsic part of me that I could no longer deny, the look of disappointment from my family hurt because when you only have showed them the best of you, seeing that disappointment at what they think is the worst of you kills a part you.

I think in some ways it has contributed towards being this driving force for me in wanting that domestic bliss with the picket fence, the husband, the children and dogs I want to show them that living this “lifestyle” is not going to lead me down some depraved road but instead can lead me to one of my biggest success of my life.

I struggle with being gay still, I hide it well between jokes and innuendos and etc but it is not something that I always feel comfortable with because it was one of the things that drove me from Christianity, I also haven’t found that community that I feel entirely a part of and so I just drift along.

The gay friends I have are those I knew before they came out of picked up one or two others from other friends but in my group of friends I am that gay one. That is my title. Typically the only other gay people I usually make friends with are the ones I date.

I have been feeling so frustrated about this being single but a part of me feels that it is for that very reason why I need to be single. Being in a relationship for the sake of it or because a person feels lonely only does more harm than good in the long term.

I had spoken to my friend about this and she aptly captured how I was feeling because she could relate to it:

“It is difficult being in a situation where you want something but the wanting that something becomes the reason why you can’t have it. It’s the stupidest little conundrum. The lesson though is probably that you need to become content with your life as it is to be in the best place to share it with someone...”

It is a frustrating circular situation to be in because you could very well be self-sabotaging yourself.

Also there is this fact that I never feel like I have enough time for my friends and it sucks because they have always been there for me but I barely have had the time (or energy) to write this blog post but I had to commit. Hopefully I will find a way to do better.

So much of what I feel can be so exhausting and I try to not overthink things because it only makes me depressed. I try to be the relaxed and level headed Theo who smiles a lot and wants to make people smile because life can already be depressing enough but I don’t always win that battle.

It is why I am grateful for work, books and series that entertain me because it all forces me to focus on a task and not get too far into my own head. Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy...

I had thought this was going to be a blog post that followed smoothly but my mind had other things in mind so I apologise for the sometimes muddle train of thought this post went on. As I said, yesterday was a rough day.

Hopefully things will feel better.


Theo. Over and Out.

Update and Retrospect: The Douchebag Ex?

This is part of my update and retrospect series that I am randomly starting because I have been so busy that it feels like I am losing touch with my life and my emotions. This is more for my sanity than anything else really. Also it is a way to keep the people updated about how I am without giving them a generic answer. Often we all use copy and paste explanations because we are too lazy to articulate how we really feel.

I thought that I would start off with the thing that has affected me most, then I would get onto the rest. First up is this post, then work and then friends and then music or something random. Whatever floats my boat really. We shall see.

Break-up epiphanies

So because of my tendency to get all emotional and attached, I fell for my ex-boyfriend very quickly. (Yes, we dated for a little over a month, sue me. Was I in love? No, but I was on my way).

Recently however, I had an epiphany. My tendency to only want to see the good in people, results in me often idealising them and missing their flaws. The same thing happened with my relationship.

I have spoken about my ownership of fault in the relationship before but for a long time I felt like the break-up was more my fault than his, which I realise now is not true. To claim more fault is actually unfair to me.

The break-up was both our fault.

One of the flaws in our relationship, was that I wasn’t given the time I needed to adjust to a vital fact about him. This vital fact actually had a big impact on our relationship. I would be less vague and disclose what this fact is, but it’s not for me to share. He wouldn’t have a problem with it, but I feel like it is not my place.

That aside, this fact was an important factor in our relationship and I was on a steep learning curve of how to deal with this. It was unfair to me to not give me the right amount of time I needed to process.

I do realise that I should have taken the relationship slower and been more patient with him, but that aside, I deserved to be given some time to learn about this fact.

He pulled a douchebag move.

Now, I am not saying that he is a douchebag (even though I would be expected to), but he pulled a douchebag move. There's a difference - everybody pulls a douchebag move.

That was not the only douchebag move he pulled.

He then felt the need that in our break-up to say that I was emotionally manipulating him. This was one of the things that hurt the absolute most because it was a major insult to my character.

It was insulting because obviously he didn’t know me well enough.

I have seen how emotional manipulations looks, asking someone to not throw in the towel yet was not it.

For him to think I was emotionally manipulating him, when in actuality I was fighting for our relationship, was like he spat in my face. I have too much on my plate and things happening in my life to waste time manipulating people.

Another issue was that he really sucked at communication, and he used the “I am a scientist” excuse. I get that he was genius science boffin but that does not excuse him from being a human.

All I asked for was honesty about how he was feeling – even if it was not something I wanted to hear, then I still wanted him to tell me.

But he didn’t...

Except when he was breaking up with me – that was when I got quite a bit of honesty.

That aside, me calling him out on his douchebag moves does not mean that he is one.

From his perspective, he was trying to deal.

Sure he could’ve handled the situation better, but he was doing what he thought was best for him.

The factor in our relationship (that I mentioned above), was something that he was dealing with daily, and I guess that he didn’t want to feel like he was forcing me to deal with the issue. My problem was that I wanted to be there to help, but apparently my help wasn’t good enough.

The more I wanted to help, the more he didn’t want my help.

Also, I am guessing that he had no clue how to deal with someone who inherently is a more emotional person than him, and that scared him. I assume he felt overwhelmed.

I can also understand how from his perspective I could have been clingy...but if seeing someone every two weeks is clingy, then damn.

I feel like in the end, the only way he could get himself to break away was to hurt me enough so that I would want to let him go. It worked.

Issues aside, I appreciate the relationship we had.

He was a good guy, flawed (like me and everyone else in this world) but a good guy.

He was a lovely guy who made me laugh a lot. He has a deep love for tea, enjoys staring at the moon sometimes during the day because it is an awesome mindfuck. He has a great fondness for Harry Potter, loves sad poetry and the Universe at large.

He even likes this adorable little Red Panda. 

He was impressive below the belt too – not going to lie.

He made me smile every day and he was considerate (even getting me my own tin of coffee when he only drinks tea.)

Those are only a few of things that he did for me. He made me very happy in the short time we were together and that is something I will always remember and cherish.

He was lovely, and one day I hope that he makes someone very happy. All I want is from him to be happy.

That is all I want for everyone in life actually.

I have said this before, and I will say this again. I would sacrifice my happily-ever-after, if it meant that everyone else in the world had no more problems forever.

Is that unrealistic? Yes. Would I bitch and moan? Sure. Would it all be worth the sacrifice? Absolutely.

The world’s problems are greater than what I am, and if I could fix it forever? How could I not?

 

My relationship with my ex-boyfriend taught me a lot. One of the lessons was that I have to be mindful of the fact that when I like someone, I like them and not what they represent.

I feel like this is a issue that many people face, not just me but that sometimes we get caught up in what people represent and not focus on who they are as people. Be sure that when you are in a relationship or are starting something with someone, that you are doing it for them and not what role that you want them to fill.

That is not right or fair to them.

As for the ex-boyfriend - am I over him? I don’t know.

I went to "our" restaurant this past week and I wasn’t sad about being there, but I did hope that by some random serendipity that he would walk in. Lame right?

But maybe that is another lesson that I will learn, I will never really be over him but I just need to find a way to move on. Sometimes not everything resolves itself nicely.

There was equal blame in the end of our relationship and I made many mistakes too, but I am learning.

All I know is that my priority is taking each day as it comes, and I am enjoying it. Sure work is kicking my ass but I don’t mind (too much) because I have learned so much. I am exhausted and feel like I need to take a week off (which I will be doing soonish) but it is really rewarding.

I think work reaffirmed to me that I’ve always been the person who I thought I am. Sure I may not always know who that is, but for damn sake, I am only 22...er... almost 23.

"I am what I am... a natural disaster." - Shark Attack by Grouplove.

I try my best to be good person, and try to make everyone’s day a little better. Sometimes I get shy and get into my own bubble too much or on the reverse side get too excitable but otherwise I am trying my best.

We are all trying our best with the lives we were given.

Sometimes we need to cut ourselves a little slack.

Theolin. Over and Out.

PS - Devils Advocate: What if I am being the overly attached weirdo who can't let go because we only dated for over a month? No one wants to be that person. He has moved on as if nothing happened I think while I am...still trying. Maybe I am just overanalysing.

Am I really like this or just pretending?

I apologise for this post in advance because, to put it bluntly it’ll be some existential bullshit, but what does it mean to be human if we don’t have moments of existentialism and self-reflection on the odd occasion?

I would like to believe that I am a good person.

I try to be helpful and help make the world a less shitty place because life is shit enough and why in the hell do I need to add the misery of the world?

Whether I am a good person is whole other issue on its own.

I used to be somewhat regretful about being a goody-toe shoes in school and never really doing anything bad or truly rebellious in my life so far.

Sure I had a bit of fun, but the most adventurous thing I did in school was launch a broom across the room like a javelin twice in Grade 9, take a drag from someone’s cigarette and do some hubbly while I was Prefect at the occasional party.

I was the good, nice kid.

Now it’s all trivial really...

Otherwise that was it.

There was too much shit going on at home, school and emotionally for me to have a rebellious phase.

ALSO my mother put the fear of misbehaving in me.

I was so scared to do something wrong because my mother made it known that she would be there to make me regret messing up.

I had to get good grades, be polite, respect elders, be helpful, considerate and not cause unnecessary drama. I wouldn’t rock the boat or backchat because that was seen as being disrespectful and rude.

Whatever I was going through would always be insignificant compared to someone else who was going through a whole lot worse shit than I was.

I think it was that constant reminder that my shit was just an anthill compared to someone else’s mountain sized shit that made me try being selfless and less self-absorbed about my issues.

So I quickly tried my best to be a better human being.

My quest to be a better human shattered a bit with the gay thing because I had been raised to believe that it was wrong I would go to hell and etc.

I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with trying to be the whole I believed I was, with this new piece of the puzzle that everyone else said didn’t necessarily contribute towards making me a better person.

And the thing that no straight person can ever truly understand is that the gay thing really fucks you up. It might not fuck you up a lot but it does...

It affected emotionally and psychologically.

That along with the living a meaningful better life while facing socio-economic factors just did me a really solid. (Sarcasm)

I didn’t really get that it would affect me until later actually, on a subconscious level but all the external pressures, the” trying to do my best” pressures, and “trying to be a better human” pressures feels like it’s all led me to question things:

Is anything I am doing is actually something that I want to do out of the kindness of my heart or something I do because I believe it’s what I have been taught is what I ought to do.

What brought this particular topic up is when someone I was developing feelings for mentioned how sweet of a person I was and that I was too sweet and etc...

It made me wonder if I was trying too hard to be this “sweet person” or if I was just pretending to be this sweet sincere person?

Lately I feel like I am fucking up and like I could be trying harder or doing more and like I am letting myself down by not trying to be a better person.  Sure I am adding pressure to myself but I don’t know how not to...

A consequence of all of this is that I tend to be highly emotional, intimidated by authority (because I don’t want to do something wrong) and high strung. I bottle a lot up and when I manage to find a emotional release, I tend to channel a lot of my subsequent emotions into that one avenue.

I struggle to modulate and moderate...and it can be overwhelming.

There is this saying (that I think I’ve coined) and it goes – “We’re all doing the best with the life we are given.”

I would like to believe that I am doing my best...whether I am, I don’t know...can I be doing better...of course.

I have no clue if some of the stuff I do if out of desire or a compulsion to do the right thing (habit) but nonetheless, it is what it is...

Am I really like this or am I just pretending??

I’ll let you know when I find out.

Being the poor friend...

So I’ve wanted to write this post for quite some time but was very apprehensive because discussing personal finances is a very sensitive issue. Sure, it is something that we deal with every day but it’s just not something we really discuss...

I was having a Whatsapp conversation with a new friend of mine, and it was because of that chat that I finally found a way to write about this topic (thanks DDR, super amped you’re getting married by the way).

The financial gap between all of the various social classes continues to be quite large, and growing, but unfortunately that is something not only happening in South Africa; it is something that is happening all over the world.

We live in an age where the rich people are getting richer, the poor people are getting poorer and the middle class people continue to struggle in their attempt to make ends meet.

I wanted to speak about this in a way that hits a little closer to home for me though – being the poor friend in your group of friends.

Sometimes life happens. Circumstances that are out of your control result in you being the least financially stable friend.  Your friends don’t intend to make you self-aware of the fact that you are the poor friend but it’s just something you pick up on.

Being the poor friend is extremely shit...and I know this because I am THAT friend.

Before I really get into this, let me just say that none of my friends are wealthy.  Some are better off than others, but we are all suffering under the high price of living.

I have been very fortunate to have friends in my life who are accommodating and understanding of the fact that I oftentimes don’t have the money to go out as often as I, or they, would like.

I owe them a great deal and shall one day make it up to them - buying my best friend a house (if I’m making millions and it doesn’t bankrupt me), chocolates and treating the others for meals when I’m finally earning a steady income; but until that glorious day arrives, my poor friend status is still in check.

So the most obvious question is that since I’m the poor friend, why haven’t I done something about it?

Well mainly because I was studying (doing a triple major actually) and I was already struggling to find a balance with my studies. I almost bombed out in second year of varsity because I felt so overwhelmed. I could’ve have got a job in the holidays but I was required to fill the role of babysitter looking after my youngest brother whenever it was needed. 

When you come from a single parent household who has to provide for three kids on one salary and still pay for university fees (I was on financial aid but that only covered a portion of it) it often became very exhausting and overwhelming for my mother. Money was tight, and so to save on paying for crèche fees, I chipped in to look after my brothers whenever I could.

In some ways, I think, it was why I have been late to reach certain landmarks – not having my driver’s licence for example, because it was R200 that had to be paid to take the damn test; never mind the driving lessons fee. All I kept thinking was “that’s X number of breads, X many litres of milk, X days of bus fair and X amount of electricity units”.

Being neurotic has made overtly aware of being the poor friend, and because of this, there have been times when I was invited out with my friends and I would lie about my availability.

An excuse such as “I’m not feeling well” or creating some illness to avoid going out with them was something I would often do... I sometimes still do that, but more because I hate the fact that my friends have to cover my part of the bill sometimes. If I have money then I’ll gladly pay my part of the bill or chip in with tip or pay the car park fee but those days come around about as often as a blue moon.

You try your best to make it all the parties/birthdays/dinners that they invite you to, because these are people who you’d give a kidney for; but still there are times you have no money so you do the only thing you can - decline their company.

When declining their company often enough, you feel bad about it; but there is nothing you can do except settle in and watch TV series in your pyjamas.

I know that I’m not the only one to have experienced being the poor friend, which is why I felt so strongly about writing this. I just want to specify that being the poor friend doesn’t mean you are the bum of the group. The bum of the group is usually the person who can afford to pay for stuff but is just too cheapskate to add their part.

No one likes that friend.

I am very grateful for the fact that my friends have been so patient and understanding. I have on many occasions had heart-to-heart conversations about this issue with them and they just make me want to cry because they’re like “it’s cool”, “we understand” and “stop stressing so much”.

They don’t make a thing about it, and that fact just causes a lump in my throat.

I’m very lucky to have people in my life who love me as much as they do because it can only be an act of true love to put up with me – and not just the parts of me they like.

One day when I find myself in a steady job, earning a lot of money (shh let me believe this fantasy), I look forward to being able to make it up to all my really awesome true friends for all the stuff they’ve put up with.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS – To all my friends who have stuck with me during the hard times and been there for me, I love you lots like jelly tots. 

Don’t let your neurotic tendencies stop you...

I wring my hands thinking, “Should I? What if I make a mistake? It might end well but I’m not sure? Why do I keep doing this to myself?” and every other thought I overanalyse whenever something significant happens or there is a decision looms over my head.

Such are the perks of having neurotic tendencies.

Having a certain level of contemplation and being occasionally neurotic is a totally acceptable part of being human, but often the problem arises once that level of contemplation or neuroticism becomes excessive and even affects our daily lives.

Once I had a conversation with my friend about is the fact that we’re both over-thinkers:

Her: “Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you were never at war with your mind? I think about it all the time... How I'd be such a different person if I wasn't so involved in my own mind."

Me: “All the time! I think life would be so much more engaging and effortless without the emotionally taxing baggage that comes with battling with my own mind! Like decisions would never be analysed to the nth degree.”

Her: “Right? I get so resentful sometimes because some people have it so easy... And we didn't ask to have overactive brains, they just happened. I wonder how neurotic people get into normal relationships with normal people. It seems sort of impossible. It’s like an evolutionary block put in place to help lower the amount of humans in the world.”

It can be the most frustrating thing to want to do something, but then thinking about it to such a degree that you ended up doing nothing or doing something about it too late.

Having neurotic tendencies often leads to so much time being wasted when thinking about a situation instead of actually making a decision about it; this becomes problematic especially if you allow opportunities to pass you by because you were thinking about the ramifications too much.

We’ve all been there in that situation- either romantic, academic or professional – where we’ve been presented with a opportunity that could have such a vast impact on our lives but instead of making a decision about the opportunity, we choose to obsess over it and think about in every single way through different perspectives for so long that by the time we reach a conclusion, the opportunity is gone.

When you realise that you have feelings for your friend but you spend so much time thinking about how they would react that you may miss your chance to say something allowing them to date someone else, or you are contemplating making a professional change to something you love but scared of the repercussions it might have so you do nothing.

I recently graduated and this fact has been looming largely over me because all I’m thinking about is “I need to get a job” or “what if I get nothing and become a bum, I’d be such a failure” or “Why is everyone else succeeding and I’m wasting my life”; these are just an example of the daily thoughts I experience.

I had to tell myself to stop and that it’s okay to take a moment to reflect on the situation. I told myself that as long as I keep putting in the hard work then everything will work out the way it is supposed to. It’s okay to go through the occasional dry patch.

Don’t let being neurotic stop you from living your life. Try to be present in the moment and take a risk on something that might or might not work out, instead of not doing anything at all. Sometimes making an impromptu decision you haven’t overanalysed could lead to unexpected and great things.