Why am I so desperate for companionship?

This is a question I have been asking myself increasingly over the past few months.

I have always been very cognisant of the fact that as humans it is only natural to seek companionship and partner up. It is something that happens frequently.

There has been numerous scientific research and articles addressing the fact that as humans it is natural for us to seek out companions – be it for reproductive purpose or just the need for affection.

It is just what makes us human.

Seeing as I cannot use the reproduction argument in my case, it then leaves the need for affection option, which then forces me to ask, why am I so desperate for affection?

Is it because it is just “basic human needs” or does it come from the issue that I cannot handle being alone?

I would like to think that I have had enough time to discover if my constant desire for companionship is instead pointing to something deeper, and in all honesty, I cannot deny that it might.

A part of me wonders if it maybe has to do with my daddy issues – i.e. absent father who made me feel unappreciated and like a burden, which then lead to my Mom being forced to step in... Basically the same old sob story. But the thought is there - maybe my search for love from a partner is because I lacked the feeling of love from him.

This theory has also been used in the “are you gay because you lacked a strong male figure in your life” argument – which in my case is not true because my grandfather was there for me, and stepdad, and I was already sure the signs of my gayness were there by the time I was in Grade 3.

Funnily enough, on my birthday last year, some stranger actually sent me a message which I will post:

I was upset after reading this because, who gave this stranger the right to force their psychoanalysis on me especially when I didn’t ask for it. Like seriously? Thanks for the input in my life but no one asked you.

It did have me thinking - to which I realised that I am honestly past the point of seeking approval from someone in my life who was only there when his conscience reminded him of his other son.

(Listen, I have blame in that relationship too because I have brother who I have zero relationship with because of all of this, and that is an unfortunate consequence of our actions.)

So maybe that need for companionship comes from this, but there is an alternate theory that I feel is more appropriate.

Maybe I am just one of those people who are driven by their desire to make someone else happy?

Maybe it is not even about me exactly, but more about a desire to fulfill the needs of another person - treating them with compassion, kindness and love.

There is a vast difference between platonic love versus romantic love, and maybe I want to experience that with a person.

Or maybe it could be because I don’t want to wind up a miserable old man with no one to love him?

Or I am looking for a warm roll to stick my sausage in? (I doubt it is purely this reason).

But regardless, there are all things to think about.

Though, it should be said that I have only had two sexual partners over the span of four years which is equal to the amount of relationships I have had. Also, I am not seeking for love by bed hopping to someone else so there is no promiscuous behaviour happening.

[Not that promiscuity is related to this, some people just like having a lot of sex, and power to them for that. No judgement/slut or man-whore shaming here, just a stating that I don’t do the sleeping around because it is just not me.

Interesting enough, I find that I am getting criticised for not being able to sleep around. People have been telling me to ease up, and not be so intense. Sometimes all you want is just to screw someone for a night and that I should be into doing that; especially because as a gay man, I should be all about the excessive sex, BUT I am just not into that.]

I recently told someone that I would love a relationship but I am not going to force it.

As much as being alone and single is driving me crazy at the moment, it is still a remark that I believe to be true. I will not repeat the mistake of rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one because I am only shooting myself in the foot and sabotaging myself.

For now, I am just going to let my life figure itself out, because it is not like I have 500 things going on (sarcasm), so the chips will have to fall where they may.

 “Que Sera, Sera. Whatever will be, will be, the future of live is free, que sera sera”

Theo. Over and Out.

PS – This post doesn’t really contribute towards any great epiphany but I like reflecting on myself and my behaviours because if I cannot examine my own issues/faults/flaws/tendencies then how am I to grow? I won’t deny that it does leave me vulnerable and open to people who might exploit it, but I think I have enough self-preservation to know how to deal with those people.

PPS – I have come to learn a lot about rape culture and will concede that leaving my female friend to wait alone wasn’t the best idea, but I was younger then and didn’t have the insight I do now.

How you doing? I don't know.

Anyone who has seen my most recent posts on social media has been bound to pick up on the fact that I am currently feeling extra emotional.

I am just not in a happy space.

There is a number of contributing factors to this, some of which I don’t really feel like I fully understand. I feel like I am at the beginning of a quarter life crisis – which is actually a legitimate thing surprisingly.

Maybe 2016 is just meant to be a more emotionally challenging year for me? I don’t know if it is true, but it certainly feels that way to me.

The older I seem to get, the more I feel like issues that I thought I had dealt with over the years are rearing their heads causing more shit for myself. Like I had just put paint over the cracks and now they are reopening.

I have no energy to list them all here because I feel like I am a broken record playing the same old depressing sob song on repeat. Woe is me *violins playing in the background*.

Basically, I am just not feeling it.

I’ve recently found myself noticing the generic “How are you doing?” question that always starts every conversation. I, of course, answer with the “Good thanks and you?” without really meaning it because often, people don’t really care how you are and they are just being polite and additionally, it also moves the conversation along.

However, with people who I care enough about, I answer the question honestly, saying: “I don’t know”.

It catches people off guard; and while it could be construed as an attention seeking ploy, that doesn’t matter to me because I am being honest.

It is not that I am uncertain of how I am feeling, but rather I find myself uncertain of why I am feeling the way I do - trying to experience the happiness that I find in everyday life, while simultaneously, feeling a sadness weigh heavy on my heart. It is exhausting. 

Further complicating things for myself is that I am a bad liar.

I can be a great liar when I put effort into in, and use my high school drama skills, but I do not have a heart to lie. I would rather avoid telling someone something than lying to them. My face is also pretty easy to read – the emotions are very easy to read on my face.

It takes so much effort for me to fake a “don’t worry, I am fine” and it is something that I have to do when at work. Going on a story or out of the office is a lot easier to “fake” it, because you have to be professional. You are doing a job and meeting people, focusing on them so it is easy to not think about what you are feeling. 

However when you are in the office, it is a bit harder.

People will say “Don’t be miserable” and “Smile a little” which I totally understand because newsrooms can be a bit depressing. No one wants to be surrounded by miserable and grumpy people who make things difficult for other people.

I get it.

The issue for me however, is that people need to be a little more sensitive when just blurting out “Don’t be miserable” because someone might be going through something or is not at their best and by telling them to not be miserable, you are being insensitive and inconsiderate about what they are feeling.

Faking happiness can only work so long. It doesn’t always work.

There is a lot happening with me, and it sometimes I don’t always want to speak about it or tell people about it. Sometimes I just want to be and figure my shit out. I actually went for a random 30 minutes walk during my lunch hour recently and it was a walk that had no purpose but it helped me.

If you ask me how I am doing and I go - “I don’t know” - just know that I care enough about you to answer it honestly, but also don’t feel compelled to ask if you don’t want to know, or get upset by a vague non-answer.

I am just rolling with the punches.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS- Do note that if I do look like I do need a hug, I will never object or reject a hug. Hugging is awesome and has been proven to help people feel better. #TeamHugsForTheWin

It hurts, but it's okay...

I had a bit of rough day yesterday...

It was one of those days when you feel overwhelmed by life. I have a laundry list of things that needs to be done but it feels like I don’t have enough time to get it done. Also it doesn’t help that I put pressure on myself to do all the things that I set out.

I have constantly felt like I haven’t worked hard enough to achieve all the things that I should. I looked around at those my age who have achieved so much and I can't help but feel like I could be doing more, working harder, trying to get to that next stage of my life.

I have to sort out my driver’s this year, possibly find a new permanent job (which can afford me the luxury of moving out) if my current employment can't keep me on –which would suck because I like where I work – but all that aside, there is also the creative person in me who has written three novels and wants to see one of them become published in my lifetime.

My life has followed my loose plan (if I can even call it a plan) thus far and I am so scared of easing up on pursuing my plans because then as soon as I give in it mind lead me to feeling stagnant.

All of these feelings have been compounded by the fact that it never feels like I have enough time to accomplish what I set out.

It leaves me feeling overwhelmed because time flies by and I don’t want to wake up one day feeling like I never made the best of my life. I want to travel, and to take my mother with me because it is something we have never experienced but only dreamed of.

When most your friends have travelled and been able to experience a new countries and cultures, but all you have are pictures, ideas and fantasies of these places, it leaves this gaping feeling like I’m missing out on this educational and changing experience...but the thing is I don’t want to do it because I have fomo (fear of missing out), I want to do it because it is has been this life long goal.

Not only that, it is something that my mother and my entire family has dreamed of for me. The joy I see in their face because they are proud of me makes me happy. The pressure does feel overwhelming, but when all these people have had such faith in you – more than what you might have in yourself - the last thing you want to do is let them down.

It was hard for me when I came out as gay because, while it was freeing to finally acknowledge this intrinsic part of me that I could no longer deny, the look of disappointment from my family hurt because when you only have showed them the best of you, seeing that disappointment at what they think is the worst of you kills a part you.

I think in some ways it has contributed towards being this driving force for me in wanting that domestic bliss with the picket fence, the husband, the children and dogs I want to show them that living this “lifestyle” is not going to lead me down some depraved road but instead can lead me to one of my biggest success of my life.

I struggle with being gay still, I hide it well between jokes and innuendos and etc but it is not something that I always feel comfortable with because it was one of the things that drove me from Christianity, I also haven’t found that community that I feel entirely a part of and so I just drift along.

The gay friends I have are those I knew before they came out of picked up one or two others from other friends but in my group of friends I am that gay one. That is my title. Typically the only other gay people I usually make friends with are the ones I date.

I have been feeling so frustrated about this being single but a part of me feels that it is for that very reason why I need to be single. Being in a relationship for the sake of it or because a person feels lonely only does more harm than good in the long term.

I had spoken to my friend about this and she aptly captured how I was feeling because she could relate to it:

“It is difficult being in a situation where you want something but the wanting that something becomes the reason why you can’t have it. It’s the stupidest little conundrum. The lesson though is probably that you need to become content with your life as it is to be in the best place to share it with someone...”

It is a frustrating circular situation to be in because you could very well be self-sabotaging yourself.

Also there is this fact that I never feel like I have enough time for my friends and it sucks because they have always been there for me but I barely have had the time (or energy) to write this blog post but I had to commit. Hopefully I will find a way to do better.

So much of what I feel can be so exhausting and I try to not overthink things because it only makes me depressed. I try to be the relaxed and level headed Theo who smiles a lot and wants to make people smile because life can already be depressing enough but I don’t always win that battle.

It is why I am grateful for work, books and series that entertain me because it all forces me to focus on a task and not get too far into my own head. Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy...

I had thought this was going to be a blog post that followed smoothly but my mind had other things in mind so I apologise for the sometimes muddle train of thought this post went on. As I said, yesterday was a rough day.

Hopefully things will feel better.


Theo. Over and Out.

April in Review: “Trying to be a Journalist”

March was all about new experiences because I started my first ever job.

April has been pretty much the same...

BUT April was more about feeling extremely out of my depth and feeling more incompetent than anything really.

Part One: “Why am I so useless?”

After working extremely hard at the Jazz Festival, we pretty much jumped into the new month by being assigned to spend two weeks in the newsroom and work on our writing skills.

If there was ever a time to be thrown into the deep end it was during this time.

With the Jazz fest I could at least take comfort in the fact that there were other people equally feeling out of their depth and having no clue what we were doing but we were all stuck in the same boat, doing the best we could.

The newsroom was nothing like that because I was on my own.

If there is a ever a time to feel useless and like you’re incompetent spend some time in a newsroom where you are a stranger at your desk trying to make yourself useful while trying to not be in the way of experienced reporters.

I was assigned to the newsroom of The Daily Voice when my Cape Mojo team started time in the newspapers started.

The Daily Voice often gets given this label as not being a hard hitting newspaper because they deal with stuff that comes across as silly and deemed not newsworthy. I am aware the publication is labelled as a "tabloid" but that doesn't mean that there isn't anything of importance and value in the paper that the hard hitting newspapers do. The only difference is the angles taken in their stories.

The Daily Voice go out on stories that people within the Cape Flats are interested in and also want to read about. If a newspaper is meant to connect with its target market and inform them about what’s happening in their areas then The Daily Voice is doing exactly what it should it.

It  was recently revealed in AMPS figures (which is a big fancy group that does a survey on readership) that in the second half of 2014, the Daily Voice readership grew from 468 000 daily readers to 516 000.

In climate where newspapers are battling against the internet, that is very impressive.

I can really say that I learned a lot about my time at the newspaper.

Newspapers don’t just appear every morning magically created for your consumption, in fact journalists go out the day before either on stories that they were assigned by their editor or, what is often the case, they go out on stories they’ve been informed about from contacts and people who shared the information with them.

They scout out information about their stories and then once they think there is enough they go out in search of what the true story is, from all the relevant sources.

A super funny reporter I sat opposite.

This can be quite a laborious process and sometimes things don’t always go your way but you do the best you can.

Part Two: “What to do when opportunity knocks?”

I had been shadowing the reporters for about a day when an opportunity for me to write my first article came up.

It wasn’t that a story was assigned to me or anything, it happened because I took a chance.

This is just my version of how I remembered it happening:

Journalist: 

“I still have to file both these stories when I get back to the office.”

Me:                       

(Nervously)

 “Uhm...I can help...uhm... if you want. I’ll write one and you can write another if you want?”

Photographer:

(Jokingly)

“Hey don’t come and try to steal food from [journalist’s] mouth, freelancers don’t a set salary like you. They get paid per article.”

Me:

“Oh sorry, of course I don’t mean to do that –laughs awkwardly- I just thought that I could help with the workload.”

Journalist: 

“We can share the byline.”

Photographer:

“Can you? Do you still get your normal rate?”

Journalist:

“I still get my normal rate whenever I share a byline with [another journalist] so it’s fine. Which one do you want to do?”

Me:

“I feel more confident doing the first story the first one we went out on so I can do that?”

Journalist:

“That’s fine. You can do the first then just send it to me when you’re done so I can have a look over it?”

Me:

“Thanks.”

And that was basically how it happened.

I took the chance of speaking up and saying,” I don’t mind helping; I can do it” and that was how I landed my first byline.

As soon as we got back to the office I had to write my article and while I had all my notes, I had no clue how I was going to do it.

Eventually I typed down what I had into a coherent sentence which then into paragraphs and it led to a completed story.

Part Three: “Who does the editing?”

Once done, I emailed what I had to the journalist and sat beside them as they make hectic revisions, learning about the newspaper’s style in the process:

1.       The fact that they prefer to have more quotes of what the people actually said instead of you telling the reader what they said. I quickly learned to write fast and take down what some said. I would come to use my phone as a recorder because that just helps you so much to get down what someone says verbatim.

2.       Framing the story in a particular way, meaning that instead of having one angle, you use another.

3.       Getting a comment from the official organisation/people to add in another side to the story.

4.       Making sure you have the correct spelling of things – Sidenote, this is vitally important you have to make sure you get someone’s name and surname spelt exactly correct, make sure you get where they are from and also their age.

5.       A journalist’s note taking skills have is where your credibility can live or die. If someone wants to sue you, you’re note taking could be the very thing that saves you.

The edit the journalist did helped a lot, and while my original story changed a lot to the one they sent to the editor my name still remained in the byline because I had contributed to the story.

I thought that what I had ended up contributing was a waste but the journalist thanked me because I helped save them a lot of time. So our article was then emailed to the editor.

Interesting to note that the article that appeared in paper had also undergone significant edits to it as well but there was also quite a large chunk of what we did and in the end we received our shared byline.

One that would be my first.

Part Four: “When? Now??”

Sure some see a solo byline as their first, but I see the shared one as my first because it taught me so much and helped me when I finally wrote my first solo byline which funny enough came the following week.

I arrived early in the office because it was just something I did. I could have arrived late because everyone only got into the office between 09:20 and 11:00. I was in by 08:40 so I just read the papers and tried be aware of what was happening.

One this particular morning, a photographer came in and he was about 5 minutes in the office when 

he came up to me and said.

Photographer:

“I heard Tony Yengeni was making an appearance in the magistrate court today and no other journalist is in. I’m not sure if it’s something the paper would be interested in but I say we take a chance and go? If we wait too long then the story could be over already, it could be over already, but at least let’s go see.”

Me:

“Uhm, okay.”

Now while that response seems calm, my mind was racing at a mile a minute.

I had no clue what I was doing, no clue of what I was going to do when I got at the court and no clue of how I would get the story but adrenalin and nerves were rushing through my body so I just went along.

As we made our way to the magistrate court, the photographer was giving me a crash course in court reporting:

1.       Make sure you nod to the judge as you enter. This is very important.

2.       Sometimes things might be confusing if you’re arriving late so don’t be scared to ask fellow journalists what is happening.

3.       Put your phone off or keep it on silent because you can be in deep shit if they catch you recording anything.

4.       All the information is in the court, you just need to know the correct places to go find it.

And he explained more stuff which I have forgotten because I was like “oh my fuck, this is happening.”

So we get to the court and then he says well go for it.

I’m like “oh okay, shit.”

I then rush inside only to see “oh damn I had to hand in everything” so I dash back drop my bag and only keep my wallet, phone, pen and notebook on me as I have to dash to courtroom 16 –which we learned from another journalist outside.

I got in and as the security guard is patting me down, and he feels a tag (which I forgot to take off). I explain it’s my UCT tag and then he starts a chat about the fact that I went to UCT. It was great but his timing sucked.

I got inside and then I had to find my way.

I turned down a passage and then got the vibe I was going the wrong way, I turned back and stopped at a security desk asking which way I had to go to get to the Tony Yengeni court case. She directed me down the alley, and as I enter I see a throng of people coming my way surrounding someone.

I had no clue what Tony Yengeni looked like, well in my subconscious I probably did but in my conscious mind I had no clue. I turned back and followed the people because my gut was all go with them.

I exited the court with all the journalists and I was about to follow the man who I thought to be Mr Yengeni but the reporters were by his lawyer so I just stuck with them.

I knew there was no way I was going to catch all the information as quickly so I immediately did the only thing I could think to do and just pulled out my phone started recording everything.

The fact that I did that earned me my first solo byline.

The other reporters asked questions and I made sure to catch everything while I was totally confused because they were using lawyer terminology I just recorded everything.

The lawyer finished and I had no clue what his name was so I asked one of the other reporters who told me his name and that was it.

In 10 minutes everything was done.

The photographer took his picture and so we just went back to the office.

My editor hadn’t been in for two days and I now had a story with which I had no clue what to do with. The editor of the paper was in and so I summoned the courage to make myself known to him and tell him what I had.

He said okay and that I should write him a short piece on it.

I then got down to listening to the recording transcribing everything while opening a million tabs on Google Chrome so I could research more about the story (something which would have helped had I had the time to do it before hand but I didn’t).

After that I remembered, I had no clue what the editor meant by “short piece” so after I asked him he said 200-220 words.

After that I got to it and finished my story within an hour and 15 minutes making sure I had everything I needed. Understanding everything that the lawyer spoke and getting input from another journalist to frame the article in an interesting way.

That was it.

My story got filed and appeared in the paper.

All because I happened to be in the office early and was the only one there that by pure coincidence I managed to land my first solo byline.

Part 5: “Where am I now?”

The rest of my time at the paper had my shadowing reporters and even writing two other articles when the opportunities presented themselves.

It was a great experience and taught me so much. I had made a few mistakes and made sure to learn from them, but it was a experience that forced me to go out of my comfort zone.

If there has been anything that this month has taught me it’s that I have to embrace the awkward moments.

My job is filled with them- attending the funeral of someone I never knew or met, asking strangers questions and for their names and ages, getting into awkward places (like kneeling in front of people to hold a microphone, and sometimes that people may be the Mayor of Cape Town) and many other awkward instances that will continued to happen.

My only next thing to learn is to not give a shit about them.

That doesn’t mean I won’t be respectful and treat some situations carefully, but I just need to focus on doing my job.

I am only two months into being a journalist and it’s been like climbing a Kilimanjaro without any preparation, but that aside, everything I have been doing is preparing me to become better equip to be not just a journalist but a good one too.

If I’m being honest, I feel like I could have done more while I spent time at the news papers. As I look back at the time I’m still not entirely sure how I could’ve done that, but I feel like I could have done more.

I also feel like I need to rediscover how to be curious.

I used to be a very curious kid and want to know what was happening but I was raised that being nosy about other people’s business was wrong. Now I feel like I have found the curious person again, he is still there because I still feel glimpses of him peeking through whenever something exciting happens.

I just need to allow him to come out more. (Yes, I’m speaking about aspects of myself in third person, it happens)

As a journalist, a skill you need is to be able to ask the right questions.

An important lesson I learned at University and The Daily Voice is that you need to remember your 5W’s and H:

1.       Why?

2.       What?

3.       Who?

4.       When?

5.       Where?

6.       How?

These will do really help and they exist for a reason*. Sometimes sticking to these will lead you to a story that could give you the edge.

Part 6:  How to Mojo...

After finishing my time at the papers, I rejoined the Mojo (Mobile Journalism) group of the company and it was more difficult that it needed to be.

I would pop in and check in on my fellow colleagues while we spent time at the paper but someone our two weeks apart had left us feeling disjointed.

Maybe it was the fact that we had just clicked with each other when we had so many other people join us for jazz fest and we had to learn how to work with strangers and not get so much time together with each other; then we had two weeks apart which just left us to do our own thing but either way, coming together again felt weird and we were out of sync with each other.

A week has passed and I feel like we’re good again. We are getting back to where we were with each other and getting familiar with one another again but such is life, sometimes things can take a while.

A video I helped put together...

The fact that we were out of sync with each other made me feel a bit weird and uncomfortable too but sometimes you just have to have a word with yourself in the mirror and “pull yourself towards yourself”.

I am excited for what the next few months hold ahead for us.

If the past two months are indicative of anything it is that expect the unexpected and that life will had you unexpected moments that lead to wonderful experiences so don’t be scared to step out of your comfort zone because that is really where the magic happens.

Now if only I could remember that...

Theo. Over and Out.

*PS  - The order is wrong on that but on purpose because I wanted it to match the sections of the blog post. (><)

Also in case you are wondering since I removed the journalist’s name from the byline in the pic, I am very grateful to the journalist because the person is really so so lovely, but I removed it because of the story that I explained from my perspective. 

March In Review: A Whole New World

I have always believed that you experience certain phases for a time and then you move on to the next big thing.

Life happens in such a way that you have primary school, then high school (if you don’t drop out) followed by university (if you can afford it) and finally you start working.

I have started the work phase of my life, and it’s been an interesting time for me.

Previously I’ve been asked if I ever miss school/varsity now that I’m working and honestly I don’t – but only because of being the type of person I am.

I make the best of my time in the certain phases of my life then when the time comes to move on, I do.

I was never saddened to matriculate because I did the numerous school plays, was a prefect and enjoyed all the high school moments (the highs and lows). With university, I was so happy when I graduated because it was a huge achievement for me.

I wouldn’t have mind doing Honours sure, but the finances weren’t there so I had to move on from UCT and if I’m being honest, I am glad that I did.

If you had asked me this in February then my answer would have been very different because unemployment fatigue was setting in, but now however, I love where I am at.

Where may that be you ask?

Being a responsible and working adult for the first time in my life.

In one of my previous posts – Being the Poor Friend – I explained why I had never had a job before. Now since I’ve had time to settle in at work and learn what being a working adult means, I realised that I am glad I never worked before because I wouldn’t have handled the responsibility well.

With everything happening in my life previously, I would’ve had a breakdown.

It took for me learn about myself and then endure the hardships of figuring out I’m not straight (with all of that baggage) for me to finally be where I am today.

I was a very gentle kid growing up who would cry for everything, so life needed to toughen me up. Sure I still have some way to go but I happy with my progress, I’m not as fragile as what I once was.

Anyway, back to the point of this – working.

Work is really hard guys, and sooo exhausting... but mostly it’s really rewarding.

When I got the news that I was accepted into the internship programme at Independent Media, my whole attitude towards it was that I want to learn as much as I can. If the 6 months of my internship comes and they happen to let me go, I know that I will have received everything out of the experience that I wanted.

I know this already because the first month of work has already taught me so much.

I won’t lie, I’m a little worried that things at work will go pear shaped but that is because I’m neurotic. Oddly enough it is not the big dramas that freak me out, rather the small little things that trip me up.

I feel like I’m not smart enough or hard working enough but I know that that is just my self-doubt talking.

I need to remind myself to stay calm and get out of my own way.

This past month has been filled with lots of laughs, getting to meet and interview new people and having some of the best experiences in my life so far:

-          Working on the 16^th Cape Town International Jazz Festival was amazing and getting to spend some time with kickass people.

-          The late nights where literally the only thing keeping you going was the energy of those around you.

-          Learning about the media industry and that there are long painstaking hours that go into producing a newspaper has been eye opening.

-          How to write articles, because they aren’t the same thing as essays.

-          Operating new equipment and what works best for different mediums.

-          The hot photographers that you see and on occasion want to do the dirty with. (That one blonde haired beauty from EWN though!!! I would marry him.)

-          The really cool people I get to work with in my team who are starting to feel like a second family.

Mojo so strong, you'll fall under our spell.

All of the above have been really invaluable experiences so far and I have loved it.

Sure there have been a few low points but that comes with everything in life – sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. You just have to keep rolling with the punches.

I have no clue where this journey I’m currently on will take me but I’m eager to find out.

Can I also just say that I’m damn proud of myself  of surviving through March because finances were tight and my phone was fucking out so I had no contact with my friends compared to what I usually do. I didn’t have them to keep me motivated all the time. I really really missed them, but I also know that I can count of myself too...

I made myself a list of goals in January that I needed to achieve before the end of this year and I will share them with you now (don’t judge):

1.       Employment

2.       Bank Account (one that lasted and that doesn’t get closed because of no money being put into it)

3.       Drivers Licence

4.       Passport

Those are 4 goals, two of which I have already crossed off.

They seem very silly to me now but when I wrote that at the start of this year, they meant something. The reason why there were only four was because I thought it would take me forever to cross off the first one.

I seriously doubted that I would achieve them.

The next thing on my list is my driver’s licence which I’m daunted by (read: shit scared and pissing my pants) but before the end of this year I will accomplish it.

2015 has surprised me in many ways, and I look forward to what else it has in store for me.

Who knows maybe I may finally get to say that I’ve finally been on an airplane before the end of it? Or even find myself a fiancée? 

Theo. Over and Out. 

PS – I’m half joking about the fiancée thing; I am very much want to be about letting love happen naturally (well as naturally as what my personality will allow). For now I am focusing on myself and work at the moment, but I can only keep the hopeless romantic in me within his cage for 80% of the time. 

Don’t let your neurotic tendencies stop you...

I wring my hands thinking, “Should I? What if I make a mistake? It might end well but I’m not sure? Why do I keep doing this to myself?” and every other thought I overanalyse whenever something significant happens or there is a decision looms over my head.

Such are the perks of having neurotic tendencies.

Having a certain level of contemplation and being occasionally neurotic is a totally acceptable part of being human, but often the problem arises once that level of contemplation or neuroticism becomes excessive and even affects our daily lives.

Once I had a conversation with my friend about is the fact that we’re both over-thinkers:

Her: “Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you were never at war with your mind? I think about it all the time... How I'd be such a different person if I wasn't so involved in my own mind."

Me: “All the time! I think life would be so much more engaging and effortless without the emotionally taxing baggage that comes with battling with my own mind! Like decisions would never be analysed to the nth degree.”

Her: “Right? I get so resentful sometimes because some people have it so easy... And we didn't ask to have overactive brains, they just happened. I wonder how neurotic people get into normal relationships with normal people. It seems sort of impossible. It’s like an evolutionary block put in place to help lower the amount of humans in the world.”

It can be the most frustrating thing to want to do something, but then thinking about it to such a degree that you ended up doing nothing or doing something about it too late.

Having neurotic tendencies often leads to so much time being wasted when thinking about a situation instead of actually making a decision about it; this becomes problematic especially if you allow opportunities to pass you by because you were thinking about the ramifications too much.

We’ve all been there in that situation- either romantic, academic or professional – where we’ve been presented with a opportunity that could have such a vast impact on our lives but instead of making a decision about the opportunity, we choose to obsess over it and think about in every single way through different perspectives for so long that by the time we reach a conclusion, the opportunity is gone.

When you realise that you have feelings for your friend but you spend so much time thinking about how they would react that you may miss your chance to say something allowing them to date someone else, or you are contemplating making a professional change to something you love but scared of the repercussions it might have so you do nothing.

I recently graduated and this fact has been looming largely over me because all I’m thinking about is “I need to get a job” or “what if I get nothing and become a bum, I’d be such a failure” or “Why is everyone else succeeding and I’m wasting my life”; these are just an example of the daily thoughts I experience.

I had to tell myself to stop and that it’s okay to take a moment to reflect on the situation. I told myself that as long as I keep putting in the hard work then everything will work out the way it is supposed to. It’s okay to go through the occasional dry patch.

Don’t let being neurotic stop you from living your life. Try to be present in the moment and take a risk on something that might or might not work out, instead of not doing anything at all. Sometimes making an impromptu decision you haven’t overanalysed could lead to unexpected and great things.