Killing who you used to be...

It is often that moment when you realise that the person you are becoming is different from who you used to be, and not in way that leaves you fulfilled.

It's a heartbreaking realisation but it is the price of admission you pay for adulthood.

For the price of adulthood I've had to repeatedly sacrifice the sweetness I once had because people take advantage.

For the price of adulthood I've had to restrict that level of enthusiasm I use to have because everyone made me feel like that was out of place for someone like me.

For the price of adulthood I've had to sacrifice the gentle manner I used to have because it is not appropriate for a man.

For the price of adulthood I've gained a large dose of cynicism because people deceive and lie so regularly that you will pay dearly for  accepting something at face value.

For the price of adulthood I've had to learn to protect my heart to the hatefulness of other. To shield myself from those who seek to do me harm for no good logical reason.

For the price of adulthood I've had to watch people hurt each other and all I could do was watch, because sometimes the ways they hurt each other are intangible.

For the price of adulthood, you learn about the grey:
- where black and white blur
- where good and bad aren't defined
- where right and wrong both harm and hurt.

The price of adulthood is costly, but it's a price you have to pay.

It sucks to look at the person you were and the personality traits you love in yourself that no longer have a place in your life, all for the price of adulthood.

I've been watching myself kill off the parts of me that can't exist all for the price of adulthood.

I miss the me I used to be.

Fuck adulthood.



PS - Hope you enjoyed the cool video, I thought it was a great representation of my feelings in this post


Theo. Over and Out.

Some days I want to resign from being gay

I struggle with the gay thing.

For the most part everything is fine, but then I find myself in a depressive slump because I can’t even deal with it.

I came from a pretty religious background and the indoctrination of “being gay will lead to hell” certainly pulled number on me – not helped by the fact that it is still widely preached about.

I even had like a 4 week counselling stint once upon a moon to help me with making the transition manageable and it helped but...still the same ghost is keeping me awake.

The thing that also kills off more pieces of my soul is that people would believe that I would “choose” to be gay.

Yes, I chose to be different because I was so bored that I thought – “Mmm, let’s be gay”.

I chose to put myself in a position where people bash on me for my “lifestyle”.

I chose to get that disappointing look from my mother whenever she remembers that her son is gay.

I chose to make things very difficult for myself because it was what I wanted.

Yes, I chose to feel like this.

-Sigh-  

It’s this constant othering that you have to put up with and even with the most liberal of people you can still feel at odd. You become the “gay” person, and lose your individual identity.

When people are talking about romances, it becomes this “thing” when in an ideal situation it wouldn’t be a thing. It’s this constant source of distress at times because once people latch on it then it in many ways can become their main identifier for you.

I often find myself in that “is there a switch” or the “can I just give back the gay gene” state of mind because I am just fed up with all the alienation that comes with it.

I even entertain the idea of dating a girl, which wouldn’t be a bad idea, except for the fact that I would be in a relationship with someone I don’t truly love and then also putting a lovely woman into a loveless marriage – which would not be fair because everyone deserves better than that.

I’ve heard the whole “it gets better” speech and while I don’t always find myself believing it, I still preach it because there are so many others who kill themselves just for being different. So many great young and beautiful minds are lost because of something that cannot be changed.

Others then have said, “you need to make more gay friends” and while that may be true, I still feel like a odd man out there because then it is my neurotic personality that puts me in contrast.

Things are never A + B = C.

It is rather a process of why does the “A” feel like a “A”? How did the “A” get to the point where he it felt comfortable with being “A” and who said you can add “B” to get “C”? And, what does “C” mean?

Things that can seem simple to people, are not so simple for others.

I don’t try to be difficult or feel the way I do, it is just that I feel an overwhelming amount.

Maybe it is the: Growing up as a sensitive kid + the wanting do my best + the single parent mom wanting to provide + daddy issues + the angst that came with needing to be there when things fell apart + the gay thing and all its drama = A functioning neurotic gay mess.

Being gay just happens to be the thing exhausting me today.

Hopefully there will be a time in my life when I won’t feel like it is but until that day I can just do the best that I can and soldier on.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS: I feel like I need to honestly consider therapy/counselling. I have been thinking about it over the past few months, but it seems like it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.