Why am I so desperate for companionship?

This is a question I have been asking myself increasingly over the past few months.

I have always been very cognisant of the fact that as humans it is only natural to seek companionship and partner up. It is something that happens frequently.

There has been numerous scientific research and articles addressing the fact that as humans it is natural for us to seek out companions – be it for reproductive purpose or just the need for affection.

It is just what makes us human.

Seeing as I cannot use the reproduction argument in my case, it then leaves the need for affection option, which then forces me to ask, why am I so desperate for affection?

Is it because it is just “basic human needs” or does it come from the issue that I cannot handle being alone?

I would like to think that I have had enough time to discover if my constant desire for companionship is instead pointing to something deeper, and in all honesty, I cannot deny that it might.

A part of me wonders if it maybe has to do with my daddy issues – i.e. absent father who made me feel unappreciated and like a burden, which then lead to my Mom being forced to step in... Basically the same old sob story. But the thought is there - maybe my search for love from a partner is because I lacked the feeling of love from him.

This theory has also been used in the “are you gay because you lacked a strong male figure in your life” argument – which in my case is not true because my grandfather was there for me, and stepdad, and I was already sure the signs of my gayness were there by the time I was in Grade 3.

Funnily enough, on my birthday last year, some stranger actually sent me a message which I will post:

I was upset after reading this because, who gave this stranger the right to force their psychoanalysis on me especially when I didn’t ask for it. Like seriously? Thanks for the input in my life but no one asked you.

It did have me thinking - to which I realised that I am honestly past the point of seeking approval from someone in my life who was only there when his conscience reminded him of his other son.

(Listen, I have blame in that relationship too because I have brother who I have zero relationship with because of all of this, and that is an unfortunate consequence of our actions.)

So maybe that need for companionship comes from this, but there is an alternate theory that I feel is more appropriate.

Maybe I am just one of those people who are driven by their desire to make someone else happy?

Maybe it is not even about me exactly, but more about a desire to fulfill the needs of another person - treating them with compassion, kindness and love.

There is a vast difference between platonic love versus romantic love, and maybe I want to experience that with a person.

Or maybe it could be because I don’t want to wind up a miserable old man with no one to love him?

Or I am looking for a warm roll to stick my sausage in? (I doubt it is purely this reason).

But regardless, there are all things to think about.

Though, it should be said that I have only had two sexual partners over the span of four years which is equal to the amount of relationships I have had. Also, I am not seeking for love by bed hopping to someone else so there is no promiscuous behaviour happening.

[Not that promiscuity is related to this, some people just like having a lot of sex, and power to them for that. No judgement/slut or man-whore shaming here, just a stating that I don’t do the sleeping around because it is just not me.

Interesting enough, I find that I am getting criticised for not being able to sleep around. People have been telling me to ease up, and not be so intense. Sometimes all you want is just to screw someone for a night and that I should be into doing that; especially because as a gay man, I should be all about the excessive sex, BUT I am just not into that.]

I recently told someone that I would love a relationship but I am not going to force it.

As much as being alone and single is driving me crazy at the moment, it is still a remark that I believe to be true. I will not repeat the mistake of rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one because I am only shooting myself in the foot and sabotaging myself.

For now, I am just going to let my life figure itself out, because it is not like I have 500 things going on (sarcasm), so the chips will have to fall where they may.

 “Que Sera, Sera. Whatever will be, will be, the future of live is free, que sera sera”

Theo. Over and Out.

PS – This post doesn’t really contribute towards any great epiphany but I like reflecting on myself and my behaviours because if I cannot examine my own issues/faults/flaws/tendencies then how am I to grow? I won’t deny that it does leave me vulnerable and open to people who might exploit it, but I think I have enough self-preservation to know how to deal with those people.

PPS – I have come to learn a lot about rape culture and will concede that leaving my female friend to wait alone wasn’t the best idea, but I was younger then and didn’t have the insight I do now.

Some days I want to resign from being gay

I struggle with the gay thing.

For the most part everything is fine, but then I find myself in a depressive slump because I can’t even deal with it.

I came from a pretty religious background and the indoctrination of “being gay will lead to hell” certainly pulled number on me – not helped by the fact that it is still widely preached about.

I even had like a 4 week counselling stint once upon a moon to help me with making the transition manageable and it helped but...still the same ghost is keeping me awake.

The thing that also kills off more pieces of my soul is that people would believe that I would “choose” to be gay.

Yes, I chose to be different because I was so bored that I thought – “Mmm, let’s be gay”.

I chose to put myself in a position where people bash on me for my “lifestyle”.

I chose to get that disappointing look from my mother whenever she remembers that her son is gay.

I chose to make things very difficult for myself because it was what I wanted.

Yes, I chose to feel like this.

-Sigh-  

It’s this constant othering that you have to put up with and even with the most liberal of people you can still feel at odd. You become the “gay” person, and lose your individual identity.

When people are talking about romances, it becomes this “thing” when in an ideal situation it wouldn’t be a thing. It’s this constant source of distress at times because once people latch on it then it in many ways can become their main identifier for you.

I often find myself in that “is there a switch” or the “can I just give back the gay gene” state of mind because I am just fed up with all the alienation that comes with it.

I even entertain the idea of dating a girl, which wouldn’t be a bad idea, except for the fact that I would be in a relationship with someone I don’t truly love and then also putting a lovely woman into a loveless marriage – which would not be fair because everyone deserves better than that.

I’ve heard the whole “it gets better” speech and while I don’t always find myself believing it, I still preach it because there are so many others who kill themselves just for being different. So many great young and beautiful minds are lost because of something that cannot be changed.

Others then have said, “you need to make more gay friends” and while that may be true, I still feel like a odd man out there because then it is my neurotic personality that puts me in contrast.

Things are never A + B = C.

It is rather a process of why does the “A” feel like a “A”? How did the “A” get to the point where he it felt comfortable with being “A” and who said you can add “B” to get “C”? And, what does “C” mean?

Things that can seem simple to people, are not so simple for others.

I don’t try to be difficult or feel the way I do, it is just that I feel an overwhelming amount.

Maybe it is the: Growing up as a sensitive kid + the wanting do my best + the single parent mom wanting to provide + daddy issues + the angst that came with needing to be there when things fell apart + the gay thing and all its drama = A functioning neurotic gay mess.

Being gay just happens to be the thing exhausting me today.

Hopefully there will be a time in my life when I won’t feel like it is but until that day I can just do the best that I can and soldier on.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS: I feel like I need to honestly consider therapy/counselling. I have been thinking about it over the past few months, but it seems like it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.