Why am I so desperate for companionship?

This is a question I have been asking myself increasingly over the past few months.

I have always been very cognisant of the fact that as humans it is only natural to seek companionship and partner up. It is something that happens frequently.

There has been numerous scientific research and articles addressing the fact that as humans it is natural for us to seek out companions – be it for reproductive purpose or just the need for affection.

It is just what makes us human.

Seeing as I cannot use the reproduction argument in my case, it then leaves the need for affection option, which then forces me to ask, why am I so desperate for affection?

Is it because it is just “basic human needs” or does it come from the issue that I cannot handle being alone?

I would like to think that I have had enough time to discover if my constant desire for companionship is instead pointing to something deeper, and in all honesty, I cannot deny that it might.

A part of me wonders if it maybe has to do with my daddy issues – i.e. absent father who made me feel unappreciated and like a burden, which then lead to my Mom being forced to step in... Basically the same old sob story. But the thought is there - maybe my search for love from a partner is because I lacked the feeling of love from him.

This theory has also been used in the “are you gay because you lacked a strong male figure in your life” argument – which in my case is not true because my grandfather was there for me, and stepdad, and I was already sure the signs of my gayness were there by the time I was in Grade 3.

Funnily enough, on my birthday last year, some stranger actually sent me a message which I will post:

I was upset after reading this because, who gave this stranger the right to force their psychoanalysis on me especially when I didn’t ask for it. Like seriously? Thanks for the input in my life but no one asked you.

It did have me thinking - to which I realised that I am honestly past the point of seeking approval from someone in my life who was only there when his conscience reminded him of his other son.

(Listen, I have blame in that relationship too because I have brother who I have zero relationship with because of all of this, and that is an unfortunate consequence of our actions.)

So maybe that need for companionship comes from this, but there is an alternate theory that I feel is more appropriate.

Maybe I am just one of those people who are driven by their desire to make someone else happy?

Maybe it is not even about me exactly, but more about a desire to fulfill the needs of another person - treating them with compassion, kindness and love.

There is a vast difference between platonic love versus romantic love, and maybe I want to experience that with a person.

Or maybe it could be because I don’t want to wind up a miserable old man with no one to love him?

Or I am looking for a warm roll to stick my sausage in? (I doubt it is purely this reason).

But regardless, there are all things to think about.

Though, it should be said that I have only had two sexual partners over the span of four years which is equal to the amount of relationships I have had. Also, I am not seeking for love by bed hopping to someone else so there is no promiscuous behaviour happening.

[Not that promiscuity is related to this, some people just like having a lot of sex, and power to them for that. No judgement/slut or man-whore shaming here, just a stating that I don’t do the sleeping around because it is just not me.

Interesting enough, I find that I am getting criticised for not being able to sleep around. People have been telling me to ease up, and not be so intense. Sometimes all you want is just to screw someone for a night and that I should be into doing that; especially because as a gay man, I should be all about the excessive sex, BUT I am just not into that.]

I recently told someone that I would love a relationship but I am not going to force it.

As much as being alone and single is driving me crazy at the moment, it is still a remark that I believe to be true. I will not repeat the mistake of rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one because I am only shooting myself in the foot and sabotaging myself.

For now, I am just going to let my life figure itself out, because it is not like I have 500 things going on (sarcasm), so the chips will have to fall where they may.

 “Que Sera, Sera. Whatever will be, will be, the future of live is free, que sera sera”

Theo. Over and Out.

PS – This post doesn’t really contribute towards any great epiphany but I like reflecting on myself and my behaviours because if I cannot examine my own issues/faults/flaws/tendencies then how am I to grow? I won’t deny that it does leave me vulnerable and open to people who might exploit it, but I think I have enough self-preservation to know how to deal with those people.

PPS – I have come to learn a lot about rape culture and will concede that leaving my female friend to wait alone wasn’t the best idea, but I was younger then and didn’t have the insight I do now.

Some days I want to resign from being gay

I struggle with the gay thing.

For the most part everything is fine, but then I find myself in a depressive slump because I can’t even deal with it.

I came from a pretty religious background and the indoctrination of “being gay will lead to hell” certainly pulled number on me – not helped by the fact that it is still widely preached about.

I even had like a 4 week counselling stint once upon a moon to help me with making the transition manageable and it helped but...still the same ghost is keeping me awake.

The thing that also kills off more pieces of my soul is that people would believe that I would “choose” to be gay.

Yes, I chose to be different because I was so bored that I thought – “Mmm, let’s be gay”.

I chose to put myself in a position where people bash on me for my “lifestyle”.

I chose to get that disappointing look from my mother whenever she remembers that her son is gay.

I chose to make things very difficult for myself because it was what I wanted.

Yes, I chose to feel like this.

-Sigh-  

It’s this constant othering that you have to put up with and even with the most liberal of people you can still feel at odd. You become the “gay” person, and lose your individual identity.

When people are talking about romances, it becomes this “thing” when in an ideal situation it wouldn’t be a thing. It’s this constant source of distress at times because once people latch on it then it in many ways can become their main identifier for you.

I often find myself in that “is there a switch” or the “can I just give back the gay gene” state of mind because I am just fed up with all the alienation that comes with it.

I even entertain the idea of dating a girl, which wouldn’t be a bad idea, except for the fact that I would be in a relationship with someone I don’t truly love and then also putting a lovely woman into a loveless marriage – which would not be fair because everyone deserves better than that.

I’ve heard the whole “it gets better” speech and while I don’t always find myself believing it, I still preach it because there are so many others who kill themselves just for being different. So many great young and beautiful minds are lost because of something that cannot be changed.

Others then have said, “you need to make more gay friends” and while that may be true, I still feel like a odd man out there because then it is my neurotic personality that puts me in contrast.

Things are never A + B = C.

It is rather a process of why does the “A” feel like a “A”? How did the “A” get to the point where he it felt comfortable with being “A” and who said you can add “B” to get “C”? And, what does “C” mean?

Things that can seem simple to people, are not so simple for others.

I don’t try to be difficult or feel the way I do, it is just that I feel an overwhelming amount.

Maybe it is the: Growing up as a sensitive kid + the wanting do my best + the single parent mom wanting to provide + daddy issues + the angst that came with needing to be there when things fell apart + the gay thing and all its drama = A functioning neurotic gay mess.

Being gay just happens to be the thing exhausting me today.

Hopefully there will be a time in my life when I won’t feel like it is but until that day I can just do the best that I can and soldier on.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS: I feel like I need to honestly consider therapy/counselling. I have been thinking about it over the past few months, but it seems like it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.

Reaching The Ceiling

I’ve had a very busy week/end...

It was exciting and fun but exhausting.

I was so out of fumes that when I got invited to the Nicky Romero gig at Shimmy Beach on Saturday, I declined it, never mind that I also had plans to attend the Magents SA Menswear Week after party.

Again, crazy hey? How much fun would I have had just chilling, dancing and enjoying the cool exclusivity and access that my job affords me?

BUT, I was autopiloting because I hadn't been sleeping properly, I have been stressing about working on graphics for my work’s anti-racism campaign while still doing my usual day-to-day work routine, and covering SA Menswear Week
.

Granted the last bit, I brought on myself because I wanted to do the show again this year and also as a gay man, I love staring and talking to hot guys.

He was in the local production of Rocky Horror. His name is Shaun Chad Smit.

SA Menswear Week was a fish-out-of-water experience for me the last time, the second time around, it was the same except that I felt more comfortable in my odd-man-out role which made me enjoy the experience all the more.

I went to university with the lovely gentleman. Find him: @Brat_M_

It was a lot of fun just experiencing everything that goes into a fashion week and the crazy outfits you see, the amazing designers you witness, and the models you fall in lust with. 

Boy did I fall in lust. Haha.

Eden Classens

My only regret from the experience was that I wasn’t brave enough to ask the number of the guy I was attracted to, regardless of whether he was team homo or not, asking him would have hurt no one...but I didn’t because well duh, he was a model and I’m a awkward, guy who gets shy and flustered.

It was a miracle in and of itself that I was able to get selfies with the hot boys.

My job is fun, I get to meet cool people and do cool things that I typically wouldn’t like interview Jean de Villiers and Nicky Romero, meet F.W de Klerk, the J&B Met and the colour run. It is all experiences that I am grateful for but sometimes it can be exhausting.

I think the most important thing I learned this week was to know my limit.

I am glad that while I got to have invites and experience all these things, I know when I have reached my limit and that is a big thing for me. I would like to think that I work hard, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, but I do try my best. 

Knowing when I have reached my ceiling is important thing for me to realise because everything I work on at that point is just without love and I am just running on autopilot – there is no desire to do my best, only to get it done.

Don’ run on autopilot, it’s important to take care of yourself. I don’t always take care of myself, but I am learning. 

You only have one you, so try not ruining yourself.

Theo. Over and Out.

What I love about this picture was that I started pulling some crazy eyes, and he played along....

PS – To the super hot Eden Classens, you are so sweet and seem like a cool guy, I know you’re probably like super busy, dating other models, but if you ever want to go for coffee  with a shy-ish awkward guy who will make you laugh (I at least have that going for me) and then hit me up.

Book Review: I'll Give You The Sun

I’ll Give You The Sun

By Jandy Nelson

So when I was out my friend, initially wanted to get myself the new Adam Lambert album and because the music store didn’t have the album in stock, I decided I would go get a book instead.

I had planned to get the Robbie Rogers autobiography but I decided that I needed something light because it had been a while since I actually bought a hard copy novel and read it. Also I am a Young Adult person, which at age 22/23 I am not ashamed to admit. 

I feel like I will move on to “adult” books when the time is right but for now I am content reading Young Adult fiction.

Anyhow, getting back to the novel that I want to speak about:

It was really a delightful read.

I had planned to take my time with this book but then I got sucked into it and within three days of starting it, I finished it. 

Here is the plot description:

“Jude and her twin Noah are close until a tragedy drives them apart. 

Now they are barely speaking – and both falling for boys they can’t have. 

Love’s complicated.” 

The novel tells the story of Jude and Noah in a split narrative.

Noah’s part of the story is told between the ages of 13-14, while Jude’s is told at age 16.

Noah and Jude are fraternal twins, who are inseparable but over the course of the novel they let jealousy and their own emotional difficulties push them further and further apart from each other.

One of the reasons I enjoyed this book so much was because it manages to make both Jude and Noah’s perspectives of the story interesting.

Personally, I am always concerned about when authors tell the same story from a different character because it can be very boring to the reader, but Jude’s was interesting and I became invested in her story.

Another thing in terms of structure that I really enjoyed was that the novels follows the three act structure building towards a climax  but the time/age gap between their two perspectives is what made it so interesting.

There were so issues with the book that others online readers pointed out:

1. Oscar being this young adult bad boy trope who then manages to get “saved/fixed of his emotional issues” because of his love for one of the characters.
2. Zephur who gets reduced to being thrown into this bad guy role and made to be viewed negatively when there wasn’t enough evidence to make it believable why he would be relegated to that role.
3. The unnecessary delay of resolution because it adds to the drama and tension. As a writer, I understand why writers have their characters avoid certain discussions because it adds tension to the story, but we live in an age where readers are getting tired of this device and see it as lazy writing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               - I think that while a certain amount of tension can be necessary, if your characters are not having a discussion (which they need to have with each other) only because you don’t want them to, then you have a problem and need to find another narratively logical justification for characters not speaking to each other.
4. The twin’s father subplot being erratically dealt with. This is something that I felt was an issue because this subplot was dealt with okay but could have been handled better to have the ultimate resolution feel that much more earned.
5. Noah’s narrative was made to feel a little immature. I understand that there had to be a separation and distinct difference in his characterisation at different ages, but he came off feeling a little too petty at times. 

Outside of this, I really enjoyed the deconstruction of the kids’ mother because so often we idealise out parents and in this novel, Jandy Nelson manages to deconstruct the twins’ parents (more their mother) in a very interesting way.

Every person has that moment when your parent is no longer this perfect person that you idolise but rather someone who you love, that also has their flaws and makes their own mistakes.

I loved that after the resolution of the climax the novel didn’t just end, it gave you time to process that we were reaching an ending. So often I find myself frustrated with how many novels don’t succinctly enough resolve the novel. You reach the end feeling like you had to jump over a ditch instead of the ditch being filled.

I thoroughly enjoyed the novel. I know that eventually I will be reading the book again because of how everything managed to tie together.

I think part of my enjoyment came from the fact that I imagined these characters being slightly older than they are, which in some way may be a issue because it speaks to how Young Adult books a written where these young kids feel wise beyond their years, and can be unbelievable for some.

I enjoyed that they felt older than what their characters were. I only realised this after finishing the novel that when I kept imaging Noah as 16 when was 13, and then when Jude is telling her side of their narrative at age 16, I pictured them as 18 if that makes sense.

In summation though, you should make up your own mind about this lovely story.

I will give this an 8/10 because I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I do tend to skew my opinions of things in a more optimistic way because I enjoy something for what it is rather than actively find fault. 

I really hope that you at least take the time to give this book a try. If you don’t like it then at least you tried, if you do then welcome to the club.

Theo over and Out.

PS - Here is my favourite extract from the book: 

“Love does as it undoes. It goes after with equal tenacity: joy and heartbreak.”

- (I’ll Give You The Sun, pg 412)

I really loved the use of metaphor in the book, it did colour in the world more and just felt natural instead of planted in and shoved in for the sake of it.

Author : Jandy Nelson

The Crying Game.

By now everyone knows that me and Bearded Lumberjack have made like a banana and split.

The first few days were rough but thankfully I have had work to distract me.

I am slowly moving on (and all that cliché break-up stuff) which is good for me but there is one thing that has me tripping balls.

I have not cried.

The reason why this is odd for me is because I tend to be a crier... a silent soundless crier... but a crier nonetheless.

Also, I think I cried more when we were together because of how emotionally invested I was:

1.       In one instance I cried because I was heart sore about something.

2.       In two other instances I cried when we were having a bonding moment.

---- I am an emotional guy okay. I think my emotional nature was why I managed to help out with an autism study actually so it’s not a bad thing I would like to think, but wearing my heart on my sleeve does come with many issues ----

This year –in fact, the last four months actually– has been one major learning experience after the other. They say you never really know yourself until you are faced with challenges and I have been learning a lot about myself, both good and bad.

Previously I wrote a whole blog post moping about not being able to fall for someone and all that angst related stuff that I said was not angst.

Well fast-forward to now and I’ve been through a relationship which only lasted a month.

Actually the one before this lasted two months – though I did see both of them about a handful of times, so clearly I am simultaneously getting better and worse at this relationship thing.

At the rate that I am going, my next relationship will last two weeks and I will have seen the person a handful of times too before we break-up.  I will laugh if that happens actually...not really, but somewhat.

ANYWAY, my weird humour and short-lived dating life aside, I must say that I have learned a lot from both relationships.

As much as it would be expected of me to bitch about the bearded lumberjack ex, this blog post isn’t about that because I am not that type of person. Bad mouthing the ex seems like a waste of energy to me especially when there is equal fault.

Basically, this post is specifically related to how difficult dating can be:

Honesty when Communicating

Honesty is important, like your relationship can sink or swim depending on this.

You need to be honest about how you are feeling but you also need to be sensitive about how you tell someone something. This is the dangerous dance that not everyone manages to get right.

Sure, being honest is hard, but lying helps no one. Added with that is the difficulty of trying to be honest while not hurting the feelings of the person you are dating.

It is so easy for things to be misconstrued so there needs to be a certain amount of tact when telling someone something.

Often times some people will tell you about the issues they are having with the relationship when it’s too late and then there is nothing you can do which will help or fix the situation.

Commitment

You have to be willing to stick it out and can’t be bailing after every fight or moment of anxiety about the relationship. Sure sometimes relationship do come to end but I make sure that I don’t regret not having done everything I could to prevent the relationship ending.

If I know that I have done that then I don’t feel too bad about the ways things turn out.

Life happens and sometimes something ends because there is something else further along the path where you need to be.

Timing:

Never start relationships weeks before they are about to write exams...

That is asking for trouble and it will only cause issues.

Also don’t rush it...I got too eager and invested too quickly and that in turn put pressure on both of us.

I made both of these mistakes and it ended poorly.

Letting it go

When all you want to do is hold them as close as possible, it is then that sometimes you just have to let them go.

Some people want to run away from happiness and commitment for various reasons, there is nothing you can do sometimes except just letting them be.

As long as you know that you tried your best to fight for the relationship, and you have no regrets about how things turned out, then all you have left to do is pull an Elsa and “Let it go”.

It’s never easy but there is nothing you can do about it.

I at least made an effort and the lumberjack just wasn’t interested and felt like I was being manipulative about wanting to get back together.

I was insulted by that sentiment because it made it seem like all I was concerned was about my feelings and what I wanted, but I had to learn to let it go.

We were both left hurt and frustrated but getting uptight now helps no one- we just have to deal.

We are all doing the best with the life we were given...sometimes you hold on for dear life, other times you need to let go.

That is just how the cookie crumbles.

Homosexuality:

This is not exactly something that can be avoided in my case but a consequence of coming out late is that while your heterosexual friends get to play the field and learn about stuff, you only get to start playing catch up and learning the rules.

Basically what this means is that I have only recently been learning the in and outs of dating...and boy is it hard.

It is not easy... it’s a steep learning curve that nothing can prepare you for.

Conclusion:

Obviously given my poor track record, I think that it is a given that I am going to be single for a while. I don’t have the emotional energy (nor am I ready) to start something new. I need to focus on me and make me a better person.

Maybe I am just a date one person a year kinda guy? Who knows? But clearly if we are going according to that statistic, then my quota has been filled for now and I will just wait until 2016 or beyond.

Title: The name of this blog post was titled “The Dating Game” but I changed it to “The Crying Game” because of a song that a friend from school (Rachel) suggested I listen to.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS - I also feel that my creative writing will be all the better for it too. I don’t write fiction as much as what I would like, but when I do, it makes me happy.

The Vanishing Love

“Hi Joe,” James said to his partner over the phone, “I’m unfortunately running late, just leaving the office now.”

“Okay love,” Joe replied, “don’t take too long. We are having your mom over for dinner.”

“Will try my best,” James responded. “Bye, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Joe said ending the conversation.

Joe thought that he had ended another typical conversation with his partner over the phone, but what Joe had yet to discover was that nothing would be typical again.

James had gotten into a car crash on the way home and had to be rushed to the hospital. James’ mother, Mary, had already been at the couple’s home when they got the call about his accident. Joe and Mary had to rush to the hospital as quickly as they could, calling brothers, sisters, friends and parents along the way to let them know what had happened. Everyone was rushing to the hospital in hope that the news that awaited them was nothing horrific.

When Joe and Mary arrived at the hospital they had no idea where to go and were trying their best to remain calm- not letting their minds wander to negative thoughts. The twenty minutes it took for a doctor to find them in the waiting room, had felt like hours. James’ brother Edwin, along with Joe’s sister Ashley, their best friend Matthew and his wife Kimberly were all waiting alongside Joe and Mary when a doctor finally showed up to inform them that James had sustained a head injury. She said that they would be unable to know how extensive the damage was until he regained consciousness.

They eventually got the opportunity to see James and to their surprise they found him awake in the room. Dr Martin had been under the impression that James was unconscious when she informed them about his condition, so she was just as surprised to discover him awake.

She was ready to send them back to the waiting room, so that she could properly make her prognosis but James insisted for a few minutes with his friends and family. They reached a compromise and soon enough, she was ready to inform them about her prognosis.

“James had sustained a head injury and usually these cases have an unpleasant outcome but he was very fortunate. From what I have seen he remembers all the relevant things like who he is, where we are and who’s president. I just have to perform one last memory test then once that’s completed we’ll know where we stand.”

Dr Martin went around pointing to each person and asking James who they were and random additional information about them. It appeared that everything had turned out alright until she had asked James if he knew who the man next to his bed was.

“Do you know who he is?” Dr Martin asked indicating to Joe.

“He’s Joseph,” James replied. Joe couldn’t help but smile broadly at hearing his partner utter his full name since he’d always just called him Joe.

“We met 3 years ago,” James continued.

It was ultimately that sentence which caused everyone in the room to that notice something was off.

“James we’ve known each other for 6 years,” Joe corrected.

Dr Martin sensed that she had made a mistake by not asking James what year it was, and swiftly tried to rectify it immediately.

“James,” she started, “what year is it?”

“2012,” he said.

Joe’s heart broke instantly.

That was the year that everything had changed; James broke off his engagement with Monique, and came out of the closet and had their first kiss in June.

It was that very kiss that led to the start of their relationship.

“Where’s Monique?” he asked, looking around his bed, “I hope this doesn’t delay the wedding.”

As if every word was another nail in the coffin of their relationship, James continued speaking without an inkling that he was deeply hurting someone who loved him with their whole heart.

“But James honey,” his mother Mary started, “you’ve been with Joe for the past three years? Surely you must remember that?”

“What do mean been me and him?” James said.

“Together,” Edwin said, “you are the most in love couple I know. It gets annoying sometimes actually.”

“Stop talking shit, Joseph and I aren’t fucking faggots,” James laughed as everyone else winced at the slur. “It would be like saying Ed here was married. That’s never going to happen...”

“But I am married,” Edwin replied, showing him the wedding band around his hand.

All Joseph could do was stand and watch as the last three years of his relationship had vanished into thin air. The James he had fallen in love with had yet to materialise and making peace with that fact was especially hard for him considering the main reason for tonight’s dinner was so that he could propose. He had already asked Mary for her permission to marry her son and she had given it eagerly saying, “It was long overdue.”

She had been at their place to help him recreate their first date, but that was all pointless now.

“I’m going to get some air,” Joseph choked out, holding back the tears. “Give you all some time to yourself.”

Joseph felt like he could not breathe. The walls were closing in and it all was all overwhelming for him.

He never thought this would happen to him but now that it did, it changed his world. In the course of a day the life he envisioned, the love he had shared- all gone. He did not know what would happen but with all the thoughts banging around his head, he needed to get outside.

When Mary came to check on Joseph, she wasn’t surprised to see the young man leaning against the wall; the moon illuminating his tear soaked face as he clutched onto a small black box in his hands. Joseph never knew that such a small box could weigh so much.

He kept staring at the box; the love it was meant to represent now null and void.

He suddenly felt arms wrap around him, pulling him into a tight hug. He recognised who it was by the smell of her rose scented perfume. He couldn’t help but further break underneath her grasp, involuntarily releasing sobs of pain as he now had to put together a life without the man he loved. Joe loved James with every fibre of his being and James loved Joe just as equally too... or at least had loved him. Their relationship had its challenges but they always got past them. This time Joseph wasn’t so sure they would make it at all...