I had hoped to write this post sooner, but I have been
extremely busy with work.
The Grahamstown’s National Arts Festival rolled into the
Cape Times #ElectionsTrek and finally Elections itself. I have very actively
lately complaining about how tired I am.
I am actually hoping
to take off soon, but besides my
complaints, my recently work activities did make me realise how fortunate I am.
I had never been on an aeroplane before until I was selected
to go and cover the National Arts Festival in Grahamastown. The whole Arts Fest
experience was so amazing and eyes opening, to quote the slogan it was “11 Days
of Amazing”.
I won’t recap too much of what I did because I did write a
live blog for work which you can find here, but it was a truly wonderful,
sometimes stressful experience where I learned a little more about myself.
It was so great learning about a town that I had never been
to, and if you ever want to learn about a town in a short span of time, the
Arts Fest is it. You have shows across the town, and it forces you to be a
little adventurer.
What I loved most about the whole experience was that it
ignited this desire in me to travel more.
I’ve always had this desire to travel, but it did so in a
completely different way.
I had only been back in Cape Town for about a week before
going away another week-long work trip.
It was part of the Cape Times’ election
coverage where a reporter, a photographer and I travelled to a few of the
smaller towns within our province to find out how people felt about elections.
It was enlightening because you are driving to towns, which
people usually drive past.
We visited 5 towns in a week, and visiting these smaller
towns made me appreciate them. I will never shy away from just stopping into a
little town while on a road trip because you can never know what you might
learn.
The people I have met through my trips, the stories I’ve
heard and the experiences I had are all memories that I will never forget. All
of these things have given me a greater insight into the world around me.
A super awesome friend and I are actually tentatively making plans to go on a Euro-tour in about two years, and I cannot wait. Sure I would love to go overseas before then, but I am not above hard work to get myself there.
I will definitely encourage others to explore the area and
world around them because you never know what awaits, and for myself, it is
something I look forward to exploring further.
For the most part everything is fine, but
then I find myself in a depressive slump because I can’t even deal with it.
I came from a pretty religious background
and the indoctrination of “being gay will lead to hell” certainly pulled number
on me – not helped by the fact that it is still widely preached about.
I even had like a 4 week counselling stint
once upon a moon to help me with making the transition manageable and it helped
but...still the same ghost is keeping me awake.
The thing that also kills off more pieces of my soul
is that people would believe that I would “choose” to be gay.
Yes, I chose to be different because I was
so bored that I thought – “Mmm, let’s be gay”.
I chose to put myself in a position where
people bash on me for my “lifestyle”.
I chose to get that disappointing look from
my mother whenever she remembers that her son is gay.
I chose to make things very difficult for
myself because it was what I wanted.
Yes, I chose to feel like this.
-Sigh-
It’s this constant othering that you have
to put up with and even with the most liberal of people you can still feel at
odd. You become the “gay” person, and lose your individual identity.
When people are talking about romances, it
becomes this “thing” when in an ideal situation it wouldn’t be a thing. It’s
this constant source of distress at times because once people latch on it then
it in many ways can become their main identifier for you.
I often find myself in that “is there a
switch” or the “can I just give back the gay gene” state of mind because I am
just fed up with all the alienation that comes with it.
I even entertain the idea of dating a girl,
which wouldn’t be a bad idea, except for the fact that I would be in a
relationship with someone I don’t truly love and then also putting a lovely
woman into a loveless marriage – which would not be fair because everyone
deserves better than that.
I’ve heard the whole “it gets better”
speech and while I don’t always find myself believing it, I still preach it
because there are so many others who kill themselves just for being different.
So many great young and beautiful minds are lost because of something that cannot
be changed.
Others then have said, “you need to make
more gay friends” and while that may be true, I still feel like a odd man out
there because then it is my neurotic personality that puts me in contrast.
Things are never A + B = C.
It is rather a process of why does the “A”
feel like a “A”? How did the “A” get to the point where he it felt comfortable
with being “A” and who said you can add “B” to get “C”? And, what does
“C” mean?
Things that can seem simple to people, are
not so simple for others.
I don’t try to be difficult or feel the way
I do, it is just that I feel an overwhelming amount.
Maybe it is the: Growing up as a sensitive
kid + the wanting do my best + the single parent mom wanting to provide + daddy issues + the
angst that came with needing to be there when things fell apart + the gay thing
and all its drama = A functioning neurotic gay mess.
Being gay just happens to be the thing
exhausting me today.
Hopefully there will be a time in my life
when I won’t feel like it is but until that day I can just do the best that I
can and soldier on.
Theo. Over and Out.
PS: I feel like I need to honestly consider
therapy/counselling. I have been thinking about it over the past few months,
but it seems like it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.
Anyone who has seen my most recent posts on social media has been bound to pick up on the fact that I am currently feeling extra emotional.
I am just not in a happy space.
There is a number of contributing factors to this, some of which I don’t really feel like I fully understand. I feel like I am at the beginning of a quarter life crisis – which is actually a legitimate thing surprisingly.
Maybe 2016 is just meant to be a more emotionally challenging year for me? I don’t know if it is true, but it certainly feels that way to me.
The older I seem to get, the more I feel like issues that I thought I had dealt with over the years are rearing their heads causing more shit for myself. Like I had just put paint over the cracks and now they are reopening.
I have no energy to list them all here because I feel like I am a broken record playing the same old depressing sob song on repeat. Woe is me *violins playing in the background*.
Basically, I am just not feeling it.
I’ve recently found myself noticing the generic “How are you doing?” question that always starts every conversation. I, of course, answer with the “Good thanks and you?” without really meaning it because often, people don’t really care how you are and they are just being polite and additionally, it also moves the conversation along.
However, with people who I care enough about, I answer the question honestly, saying: “I don’t know”.
It catches people off guard; and while it could be construed as an attention seeking ploy, that doesn’t matter to me because I am being honest.
It is not that I am uncertain of how I am feeling, but rather I find myself uncertain of why I am feeling the way I do - trying to experience the happiness that I find in everyday life, while simultaneously, feeling a sadness weigh heavy on my heart. It is exhausting.
Further complicating things for myself is that I am a bad liar.
I can be a great liar when I put effort into in, and use my high school drama skills, but I do not have a heart to lie. I would rather avoid telling someone something than lying to them. My face is also pretty easy to read – the emotions are very easy to read on my face.
It takes so much effort for me to fake a “don’t worry, I am fine” and it is something that I have to do when at work. Going on a story or out of the office is a lot easier to “fake” it, because you have to be professional. You are doing a job and meeting people, focusing on them so it is easy to not think about what you are feeling.
However when you are in the office, it is a bit harder.
People will say “Don’t be miserable” and “Smile a little” which I totally understand because newsrooms can be a bit depressing. No one wants to be surrounded by miserable and grumpy people who make things difficult for other people.
I get it.
The issue for me however, is that people need to be a little more sensitive when just blurting out “Don’t be miserable” because someone might be going through something or is not at their best and by telling them to not be miserable, you are being insensitive and inconsiderate about what they are feeling.
Faking happiness can only work so long. It doesn’t always work.
There is a lot happening with me, and it sometimes I don’t always want to speak about it or tell people about it. Sometimes I just want to be and figure my shit out. I actually went for a random 30 minutes walk during my lunch hour recently and it was a walk that had no purpose but it helped me.
If you ask me how I am doing and I go - “I don’t know” - just know that I care enough about you to answer it honestly, but also don’t feel compelled to ask if you don’t want to know, or get upset by a vague non-answer.
I am just rolling with the punches.
Theo. Over and Out.
PS- Do note that if I do look like I do need a hug, I will never object or reject a hug. Hugging is awesome and has been proven to help people feel better. #TeamHugsForTheWin
I was so out of fumes that when I got invited to the Nicky Romero gig at Shimmy Beach on Saturday, I declined it, never mind that I also had plans to attend the Magents SA Menswear Week after party.
Again, crazy hey? How much fun would I have had just chilling, dancing and enjoying the cool exclusivity and access that my job affords me?
BUT, I was autopiloting because I hadn't been sleeping properly, I have been stressing about working on graphics for my work’s anti-racism campaign while still doing my usual day-to-day work routine, and covering SA Menswear Week .
Granted the last bit, I brought on myself because I wanted to do the show again this year and also as a gay man, I love staring and talking to hot guys.
He was in the local production of Rocky Horror. His name is Shaun Chad Smit.
SA Menswear Week was a fish-out-of-water experience for me the last time, the second time around, it was the same except that I felt more comfortable in my odd-man-out role which made me enjoy the experience all the more.
I went to university with the lovely gentleman. Find him: @Brat_M_
It was a lot of fun just experiencing everything that goes into a fashion week and the crazy outfits you see, the amazing designers you witness, and the models you fall in lust with.
My only regret from the experience was that I wasn’t brave enough to ask the number of the guy I was attracted to, regardless of whether he was team homo or not, asking him would have hurt no one...but I didn’t because well duh, he was a model and I’m a awkward, guy who gets shy and flustered.
It was a miracle in and of itself that I was able to get selfies with the hot boys.
My job is fun, I get to meet cool people and do cool things that I typically wouldn’t like interview Jean de Villiers and Nicky Romero, meet F.W de Klerk, the J&B Met and the colour run. It is all experiences that I am grateful for but sometimes it can be exhausting.
I think the most important thing I learned this week was to know my limit.
I am glad that while I got to have invites and experience all these things, I know when I have reached my limit and that is a big thing for me. I would like to think that I work hard, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, but I do try my best.
Knowing when I have reached my ceiling is important thing for me to realise because everything I work on at that point is just without love and I am just running on autopilot – there is no desire to do my best, only to get it done.
Don’ run on autopilot, it’s important to take care of yourself. I don’t always take care of myself, but I am learning. You only have one you, so try not ruining yourself.
Theo. Over and Out.
What I love about this picture was that I started pulling some crazy eyes, and he played along....
PS – To the super hot Eden Classens, you are so sweet and seem like a cool guy, I know you’re probably like super busy, dating other models, but if you ever want to go for coffee with a shy-ish awkward guy who will make you laugh (I at least have that going for me) and then hit me up.
It comes out of nowhere. That feeling...a concrete brick sinking into the pit of your stomach. It's covered with guilt, failure and disappointment. Usually it's the disappointment that stings the most.
I think that it is one of the most basic human feelings to want to be there for another person. Hoping to not let them down. It is something that I think everyone struggles with. No one wants to be a disappointment to the people closest to you. Feeling like a failure fucking sucks.
Unfortunately it is unavoidable. It happens to the best of us.
A topic that pertains to this though, that I wanted to tackle was: letting yourself down.
We have our moral codes and our ethics that we consciously (or subconsciously) live by. From a young age we were influenced from our parents, our surroundings and our experiences to form our own code of conduct and ethics.
The metaphorical lines in the sand we draw for ourselves; making vows and promises that we will never cross certain lines.
In an ideal world, we would never cross those lines, but the reality is that we do. Whenever we drop our standards or do something that compromises what we stand for - It is always a difficult pill to swallow.
We realise how full of imperfections we are, and how, as humans, we are influenced and affected by so much that happens around us.
I struggle with this.
Recently I had a moment where I felt like I was letting myself down. I realise in retrospect that it was over something small, but I honestly felt like I had disappointed myself. I strive to be a good person, and do the "right" thing but sometimes in doing so I set myself up for failure too.
There is no such thing as the "right" thing because what maybe right for you, could hurt someone else.
Everyone is hero in their own story, but yet, they maybe the villain in someone else's.
When something happens that I could have prevented, and it forces me to compromises my standards, naturally that makes me feel like shit.
Of course sometimes things are out of my control, which I cannot fix, but I can control how I react. In some ways, I let it get to me - which only does more harm than good, but the least I can do is dust myself off, and try my best to keep on going on.
A lesson to remember though is that you are not infallible. You are only human.
There are those instances too when we must violate our own promises and standard because life is never a matter of black and white, it is rather a series of experiences and interactions which makes us realise that sometimes we are living in the grey areas.
For example, you promised yourself that you would never cheat and that you hated everyone who cheated. Then out of nowhere came that instance where you found yourself in that situation; either because you got yourself there or because someone else lied to you and you suddenly found yourself in that predicament.
I have learned that while I do still think cheating is wrong, sometimes people screw up. It can be a one time thing, or it can be a issue that people have to work out within themselves but sometimes shit happens. Though, shit which gets caused by people themselves is an entirely other issue on it's own.
Also the instances of lying to those close to you because you know something - a truth that you have no right in revealing, that is going to come and hit them like wrecking ball, so all you can do is put on a brave face and prepare as you watch a unmovable wrecking ball about to damage them.
You feel like shit because there is nothing you can do, but you wait because you know that when that wrecking ball hits, you are going to need to be there for them.
No one wants to feel helpless, but sometimes things happen in such a way that you are struck helpless. Sometimes people need to help themselves because you can only do so much.
I was really interested in finding out what other people had to say on this matter, so I did.
"It feels like you've hit a new low," a colleague shared when asked how it feels when you let yourself down. One gentlemen, who overheard what I was writing about, gave some wisdom on the matter, "Chalk it up to experience. A learning curve - you can do better next time."
I was however, able to connect with this sentiment a female friend shared.
"It will be on my mind for weeks. I will think about the whole time, but then I will just end up disappointing myself... I will just have to deal with it and get over the initial pain afterwards."
Life forces you to adapt your standards and codes of conduct because life is life. You have to be malleable and adaptable because if you don't, then life will knock the shit out of you and beat you into submission.
BUT these are just moments that force us to realise that the line in the sand we drew for ourselves sometimes get washed away by the sea of life, we just have to be prepared to redraw them and repeatedly adjust.
Theo. Over and Out
PS- This blog post started out one way, and then it started taking a very different turn the more I started thinking about it. The reason for this was that I was all ready to say something and for it be a certain way, but the more I thought about it, and how life has affected me the more malleable I had to be.
It came down to a situation of idealism vs reality.
That aside, letting yourself down still sucks so try to be as true to you as you can be when you aren't stretching and adapting for life.
This is part of my update and retrospect series that I am
randomly starting because I have been so busy that it feels like I am losing
touch with my life and my emotions. This is more for my sanity than anything
else really. Also it is a way to keep the people updated about how I am without
giving them a generic answer. Often we all use copy and paste explanations
because we are too lazy to articulate how we really feel.
I thought that I would start off with the thing that has
affected me most, then I would get onto the rest. First up is this post, then
work and then friends and then music or something random. Whatever floats my
boat really. We shall see.
Break-up epiphanies
So because of my tendency to get all emotional
and attached, I fell for my ex-boyfriend very quickly. (Yes, we dated for a little over a month, sue me. Was I in love? No, but
I was on my way).
Recently however, I had an epiphany. My tendency to only
want to see the good in people, results in me often idealising them and missing
their flaws. The same thing happened with my relationship.
I have spoken about my ownership of fault in the relationship before but for a long time I felt like the break-up was
more my fault than his, which I realise now is not true. To claim more fault is
actually unfair to me.
The break-up was both our fault.
One of the flaws in our relationship, was that I wasn’t
given the time I needed to adjust to a vital fact about him. This vital fact
actually had a big impact on our relationship. I would be less vague and
disclose what this fact is, but it’s not for me to share. He wouldn’t have a
problem with it, but I feel like it is not my place.
That aside, this fact was an important factor in our
relationship and I was on a steep learning curve of how to deal with this. It
was unfair to me to not give me the right amount of time I needed to process.
I do realise that I should have taken the relationship
slower and been more patient with him, but that aside, I deserved to be given
some time to learn about this fact.
He pulled a douchebag move.
Now, I am not saying that he is a douchebag (even though I would
be expected to), but he pulled a douchebag move. There's a difference - everybody pulls a douchebag move.
That was not the only douchebag move he pulled.
He then felt the need
that in our break-up to say that I was emotionally manipulating him. This was
one of the things that hurt the absolute most because it was a major insult to
my character.
It was insulting because obviously he didn’t know me well
enough.
I have seen how emotional manipulations looks, asking
someone to not throw in the towel yet
was not it.
For him to think I was emotionally manipulating him, when in
actuality I was fighting for our relationship, was like he spat in my face. I
have too much on my plate and things happening in my life to waste time manipulating
people.
Another issue was that he really sucked at communication, and
he used the “I am a scientist” excuse. I get that he was genius science boffin
but that does not excuse him from being a human.
All I asked for was honesty about how he was feeling – even
if it was not something I wanted to hear, then I still wanted him to tell me.
But he didn’t...
Except when he was
breaking up with me – that was when I got quite a bit of honesty.
That aside, me calling him out on his douchebag moves does
not mean that he is one.
From his perspective, he was trying to deal.
Sure he could’ve handled the situation better, but he was
doing what he thought was best for him.
The factor in our relationship (that I mentioned above), was
something that he was dealing with daily, and I guess that he didn’t want to
feel like he was forcing me to deal with the issue. My problem was that I
wanted to be there to help, but apparently my help wasn’t good enough.
The more I wanted to help, the more he didn’t want my help.
Also, I am guessing that he had no clue how to deal with
someone who inherently is a more emotional person than him, and that scared
him. I assume he felt overwhelmed.
I can also understand
how from his perspective I could have been clingy...but if seeing someone every
two weeks is clingy, then damn.
I feel like in the
end, the only way he could get himself to break away was to hurt me enough so
that I would want to let him go. It worked.
Issues aside, I appreciate the relationship we had.
He was a good guy, flawed (like me and everyone else in this
world) but a good guy.
He was a lovely guy who made me laugh a lot. He has a deep
love for tea, enjoys staring at the moon sometimes during the day because it is
an awesome mindfuck. He has a great fondness for Harry Potter, loves sad poetry
and the Universe at large.
He even likes this adorable little Red Panda.
He was impressive below the belt too – not going to lie.
He made me smile
every day and he was considerate (even getting me my own tin of coffee when he
only drinks tea.)
Those are only a few of things that he did for me. He made
me very happy in the short time we were together and that is something I will
always remember and cherish.
He was lovely, and one day I hope that he makes someone
very happy. All I want is from him to be happy.
That is all I want for everyone in life actually.
I have said this before, and I will say this again. I would
sacrifice my happily-ever-after, if it meant that everyone else in the world
had no more problems forever.
Is that unrealistic? Yes. Would I bitch and moan? Sure.
Would it all be worth the sacrifice? Absolutely.
The world’s problems are greater than what I am, and if I
could fix it forever? How could I not?
My relationship with my ex-boyfriend taught me a lot. One of
the lessons was that I have to be mindful of the fact that when I like someone,
I like them and not what they represent.
I feel like this is a issue that many people face, not just
me but that sometimes we get caught up in what people represent and not focus
on who they are as people. Be sure that when you are in a relationship or are
starting something with someone, that you are doing it for them and not what
role that you want them to fill.
That is not right or fair to them.
As for the ex-boyfriend - am I over him? I don’t know.
I went to "our" restaurant this past week and I wasn’t sad
about being there, but I did hope that by some random serendipity that he would
walk in. Lame right?
But maybe that is another lesson that I will learn, I will
never really be over him but I just need to find a way to move on. Sometimes
not everything resolves itself nicely.
There was equal blame in the end of our relationship and I
made many mistakes too, but I am learning.
All I know is that my priority is taking each day as it
comes, and I am enjoying it. Sure work is kicking my ass but I don’t mind (too
much) because I have learned so much. I am exhausted and feel like I need to
take a week off (which I will be doing soonish) but it is really rewarding.
I think work reaffirmed to me that I’ve always been the
person who I thought I am. Sure I may not always know who that is, but for damn
sake, I am only 22...er... almost 23.
"I am what I am... a natural disaster." - Shark Attack by Grouplove.
I try my best to be good person, and try to make everyone’s
day a little better. Sometimes I get shy and get into my own bubble too much or
on the reverse side get too excitable but otherwise I am trying my best.
We are all trying our best with the lives we were given.
Sometimes we need to cut ourselves a little slack.
Theolin. Over and
Out.
PS - Devils Advocate: What if I am being the overly attached weirdo who can't let go because we only dated for over a month? No one wants to be that person. He has moved on as if nothing happened I think while I am...still trying. Maybe I am just overanalysing.
Recently I spent my time filming and recording interviews at SA Menswear Week, where there were hot models for days - that post is forthcoming btw.
It was pretty awesome being in that environment and getting to see what all goes into a fashion show.
However, I got to experience a role reversal when I finally got around to doing my own photo shoot with my awesome friend Chelsea Tobias.
I had been nagging for months to finally get my turn in front of the camera and after my nagging she let me get my way.
So without further ado:
Needless to say that I am of course really happy about how the pictures turned out.
She made me look like a bajillion times hotter than what I actually am so props to her for achieving the impossible.
Not to toot my own horn but I did feel very natural in front of the camera, and while I could claim that it’s just my natural quality.
I do think it’s because I have often had to be on the opposite side of the camera pleading with people to let me film them (for work purposes) and it can be really difficult when people are less than willing.
If someone is not comfortable in front of the camera, it is awfully easy to pick that up.
Nonetheless, it was tonnes of fun. Everyone should do a photo shoot at least once...
Theo. Over and Out.
Edit: Thank you to Chelsea Tobias for giving me permission to use her photos.
Also know that she is busy studying a commerce degree so she may not have the time but if you ever want her to shoot for you then just ask. I am sure she won’t mind...much.
I apologise for this post in advance because, to put it bluntly it’ll be some existential bullshit, but what does it mean to be human if we don’t have moments of existentialism and self-reflection on the odd occasion?
I would like to believe that I am a good person.
I try to be helpful and help make the world a less shitty place because life is shit enough and why in the hell do I need to add the misery of the world?
Whether I am a good person is whole other issue on its own.
I used to be somewhat regretful about being a goody-toe shoes in school and never really doing anything bad or truly rebellious in my life so far.
Sure I had a bit of fun, but the most adventurous thing I did in school was launch a broom across the room like a javelin twice in Grade 9, take a drag from someone’s cigarette and do some hubbly while I was Prefect at the occasional party.
I was the good, nice kid.
Now it’s all trivial really...
Otherwise that was it.
There was too much shit going on at home, school and emotionally for me to have a rebellious phase.
ALSO my mother put the fear of misbehaving in me.
I was so scared to do something wrong because my mother made it known that she would be there to make me regret messing up.
I had to get good grades, be polite, respect elders, be helpful, considerate and not cause unnecessary drama. I wouldn’t rock the boat or backchat because that was seen as being disrespectful and rude.
Whatever I was going through would always be insignificant compared to someone else who was going through a whole lot worse shit than I was.
I think it was that constant reminder that my shit was just an anthill compared to someone else’s mountain sized shit that made me try being selfless and less self-absorbed about my issues.
So I quickly tried my best to be a better human being.
My quest to be a better human shattered a bit with the gay thing because I had been raised to believe that it was wrong I would go to hell and etc.
I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with trying to be the whole I believed I was, with this new piece of the puzzle that everyone else said didn’t necessarily contribute towards making me a better person.
And the thing that no straight person can ever truly understand is that the gay thing really fucks you up. It might not fuck you up a lot but it does...
It affected emotionally and psychologically.
That along with the living a meaningful better life while facing socio-economic factors just did me a really solid. (Sarcasm)
I didn’t really get that it would affect me until later actually, on a subconscious level but all the external pressures, the” trying to do my best” pressures, and “trying to be a better human” pressures feels like it’s all led me to question things:
Is anything I am doing is actually something thatI want to do out of the kindness of my heart or something I do because I believe it’s what I have been taught is what I ought to do.
What brought this particular topic up is when someone I was developing feelings for mentioned how sweet of a person I was and that I was too sweet and etc...
It made me wonder if I was trying too hard to be this “sweet person” or if I was just pretending to be this sweet sincere person?
Lately I feel like I am fucking up and like I could be trying harder or doing more and like I am letting myself down by not trying to be a better person. Sure I am adding pressure to myself but I don’t know how not to...
A consequence of all of this is that I tend to be highly emotional, intimidated by authority (because I don’t want to do something wrong) and high strung. I bottle a lot up and when I manage to find a emotional release, I tend to channel a lot of my subsequent emotions into that one avenue.
I struggle to modulate and moderate...and it can be overwhelming.
There is this saying (that I think I’ve coined) and it goes – “We’re all doing the best with the life we are given.”
I would like to believe that I am doing my best...whether I am, I don’t know...can I be doing better...of course.
I have no clue if some of the stuff I do if out of desire or a compulsion to do the right thing (habit) but nonetheless, it is what it is...
March was all about new experiences because I started my
first ever job.
April has been pretty
much the same...
BUT April was more about feeling extremely out of my depth
and feeling more incompetent than anything really.
Part One: “Why am I so useless?”
After working extremely hard at the Jazz Festival, we pretty
much jumped into the new month by being assigned to spend two weeks in the
newsroom and work on our writing skills.
If there was ever a time to be thrown into the deep end it
was during this time.
With the Jazz fest I could at least take comfort in the fact
that there were other people equally feeling out of their depth and having no
clue what we were doing but we were all stuck in the same boat, doing the best
we could.
The newsroom was nothing like that because I was on my own.
If there is a ever a time to feel useless and like you’re
incompetent spend some time in a newsroom where you are a stranger at your desk
trying to make yourself useful while trying to not be in the way of experienced
reporters.
I was assigned to the newsroom of The Daily Voice when my Cape Mojo team started time in the
newspapers started.
The Daily Voice often gets given this label as not being a
hard hitting newspaper because they deal with stuff that comes across as silly
and deemed not newsworthy. I am aware the publication is labelled as a "tabloid" but that doesn't mean that there isn't anything of importance and value in the paper that the hard hitting newspapers do. The only difference is the angles taken in their stories.
The Daily Voice go out on stories that people
within the Cape Flats are interested in and also want to read about. If a newspaper is meant to connect with its target market
and inform them about what’s happening in their areas then The Daily Voice is
doing exactly what it should it.
It was recently revealed in AMPS figures (which is a big fancy group that does a survey on readership) that in the
second half of 2014, the Daily Voice readership grew from
468 000 daily readers to 516 000.
In climate where newspapers are battling against the internet, that is very impressive.
I can really say that I learned a lot about my time at the newspaper.
Newspapers don’t just appear every morning magically created
for your consumption, in fact journalists go out the day before either on
stories that they were assigned by their editor or, what is often the case,
they go out on stories they’ve been informed about from contacts and people who
shared the information with them.
They scout out information about their stories and then once
they think there is enough they go out in search of what the true story is,
from all the relevant sources.
A super funny reporter I sat opposite.
This can be quite a laborious process and sometimes things
don’t always go your way but you do the best you can.
Part Two: “What to do when opportunity
knocks?”
I had been shadowing the reporters for about a day when an
opportunity for me to write my first article came up.
It wasn’t that a story was assigned to me or anything, it
happened because I took a chance.
This is just my version of how I remembered it happening:
Journalist:
“I still have to file both these
stories when I get back to the office.”
Me:
(Nervously)
“Uhm...I can help...uhm... if you want. I’ll
write one and you can write another if you want?”
Photographer:
(Jokingly)
“Hey don’t come and try to steal
food from [journalist’s] mouth, freelancers don’t a set salary like you. They
get paid per article.”
Me:
“Oh sorry, of course I don’t mean
to do that –laughs awkwardly- I just
thought that I could help with the workload.”
Journalist:
“We can share the byline.”
Photographer:
“Can you? Do you still get your
normal rate?”
Journalist:
“I still get my normal rate
whenever I share a byline with [another journalist] so it’s fine. Which one do
you want to do?”
Me:
“I feel more confident doing the
first story the first one we went out on so I can do that?”
Journalist:
“That’s fine. You can do the
first then just send it to me when you’re done so I can have a look over it?”
Me:
“Thanks.”
And that was basically how it happened.
I took the chance of speaking up and saying,” I don’t mind
helping; I can do it” and that was how I landed my first byline.
As soon as we got back to the office I had to write my
article and while I had all my notes, I had no clue how I was going to do it.
Eventually I typed down what I had into a coherent sentence
which then into paragraphs and it led to a completed story.
Part Three: “Who does the editing?”
Once done, I emailed what I had to the journalist and sat
beside them as they make hectic revisions, learning about the newspaper’s style
in the process:
1.The fact that they prefer to have more quotes of
what the people actually said instead of you telling the reader what they said.
I quickly learned to write fast and take down what some said. I would come to use
my phone as a recorder because that just helps you so much to get down what
someone says verbatim.
2.Framing the story in a particular way, meaning
that instead of having one angle, you use another.
3.Getting a comment from the official
organisation/people to add in another side to the story.
4.Making sure you have the correct spelling of
things – Sidenote, this is vitally important you have to make sure you get
someone’s name and surname spelt exactly correct, make sure you get where they
are from and also their age.
5.A journalist’s note taking skills have is where
your credibility can live or die. If someone wants to sue you, you’re note
taking could be the very thing that saves you.
The edit the journalist did helped a lot, and while my
original story changed a lot to the one they sent to the editor my name still
remained in the byline because I had contributed to the story.
I thought that what I had ended up contributing was a waste but
the journalist thanked me because I helped save them a lot of time. So our
article was then emailed to the editor.
Interesting to note that the article that appeared in paper
had also undergone significant edits to it as well but there was also quite a
large chunk of what we did and in the end we received our shared byline.
One that would be my first.
Part Four: “When? Now??”
Sure some see a solo byline as their first, but I see the
shared one as my first because it taught me so much and helped me when I
finally wrote my first solo byline which funny enough came the following week.
I arrived early in the office because it was just something
I did. I could have arrived late because everyone only got into the office
between 09:20 and 11:00. I was in by 08:40 so I just read the papers and tried
be aware of what was happening.
One this particular morning, a photographer came in and he
was about 5 minutes in the office when
he came up to me and said.
Photographer:
“I heard Tony Yengeni was making
an appearance in the magistrate court today and no other journalist is in. I’m
not sure if it’s something the paper would be interested in but I say we take a
chance and go? If we wait too long then the story could be over already, it
could be over already, but at least let’s go see.”
Me:
“Uhm, okay.”
Now while that response seems calm, my mind was racing at a
mile a minute.
I had no clue what I was doing, no clue of what I was going
to do when I got at the court and no clue of how I would get the story but
adrenalin and nerves were rushing through my body so I just went along.
As we made our way to the magistrate court, the photographer
was giving me a crash course in court reporting:
1.Make sure you nod to the judge as you enter.
This is very important.
2.Sometimes things might be confusing if you’re
arriving late so don’t be scared to ask fellow journalists what is happening.
3.Put your phone off or keep it on silent because
you can be in deep shit if they catch you recording anything.
4.All the information is in the court, you just
need to know the correct places to go find it.
And he explained more stuff which I have forgotten because I
was like “oh my fuck, this is happening.”
So we get to the court and then he says well go for it.
I’m like “oh okay, shit.”
I then rush inside only to see “oh damn I had to hand in
everything” so I dash back drop my bag and only keep my wallet, phone, pen and
notebook on me as I have to dash to courtroom 16 –which we learned from another
journalist outside.
I got in and as the security guard is patting me down, and he
feels a tag (which I forgot to take off). I explain it’s my UCT tag and then he
starts a chat about the fact that I went to UCT. It was great but his timing
sucked.
I got inside and then I had to find my way.
I turned down a passage and then got the
vibe I was going the wrong way, I turned back and stopped at a security desk
asking which way I had to go to get to the Tony Yengeni court case. She
directed me down the alley, and as I enter I see a throng of people coming my
way surrounding someone.
I had no clue what Tony Yengeni looked like, well in my
subconscious I probably did but in my conscious mind I had no clue. I turned
back and followed the people because my gut was all go with them.
I exited the court with all the journalists and I was about
to follow the man who I thought to be Mr Yengeni but the reporters were by his
lawyer so I just stuck with them.
I knew there was no way I was going to catch all the
information as quickly so I immediately did the only thing I could think to do
and just pulled out my phone started recording everything.
The fact that I did that earned me my first solo byline.
The other reporters asked questions and I made sure to catch
everything while I was totally confused because they were using lawyer terminology
I just recorded everything.
The lawyer finished and I had no clue what his name was so I
asked one of the other reporters who told me his name and that was it.
In 10 minutes everything was done.
The photographer took his picture and so we just went back
to the office.
My editor hadn’t been in for two days and I now had a story
with which I had no clue what to do with. The editor of the paper was in and so
I summoned the courage to make myself known to him and tell him what I had.
He said okay and that I should write him a short piece on
it.
I then got down to listening to the recording transcribing
everything while opening a million tabs on Google Chrome so I could research
more about the story (something which would have helped had I had the time to
do it before hand but I didn’t).
After that I remembered, I had no clue what the editor meant
by “short piece” so after I asked him he said 200-220 words.
After that I got to it and finished my story within an hour
and 15 minutes making sure I had everything I needed. Understanding everything
that the lawyer spoke and getting input from another journalist to frame the
article in an interesting way.
That was it.
My story got filed and appeared in the paper.
All because I happened to be in the office early and was the
only one there that by pure coincidence I managed to land my first solo byline.
Part 5: “Where am I now?”
The rest of my time at the paper had my shadowing reporters
and even writing two other articles when the opportunities presented
themselves.
It was a great experience and taught me so much. I had made
a few mistakes and made sure to learn from them, but it was a experience that
forced me to go out of my comfort zone.
If there has been anything that this month has taught me
it’s that I have to embrace the awkward moments.
My job is filled with them- attending the funeral of someone
I never knew or met, asking strangers questions and for their names and ages,
getting into awkward places (like kneeling in front of people to hold a
microphone, and sometimes that people may be the Mayor of Cape Town) and many
other awkward instances that will continued to happen.
My only next thing to learn is to not give a shit about
them.
That doesn’t mean I won’t be respectful and treat some
situations carefully, but I just need to focus on doing my job.
I am only two months into being a journalist and it’s been
like climbing a Kilimanjaro without any preparation, but that aside, everything
I have been doing is preparing me to become better equip to be not just a
journalist but a good one too.
If I’m being honest, I feel like I could have done more
while I spent time at the news papers. As I look back at the time I’m still not
entirely sure how I could’ve done that, but I feel like I could have done more.
I also feel like I need to rediscover how to be curious.
I used to be a very curious kid and want to know what was
happening but I was raised that being nosy about other people’s business was
wrong. Now I feel like I have found the curious person again, he is still there
because I still feel glimpses of him peeking through whenever something
exciting happens.
I just need to allow him to come out more. (Yes, I’m
speaking about aspects of myself in third person, it happens)
As a journalist, a skill you need is to be able to ask the
right questions.
An important lesson I
learned at University and The Daily Voice is that you need to remember your
5W’s and H:
1.Why?
2.What?
3.Who?
4.When?
5.Where?
6.How?
These will do really help and they exist for a reason*.
Sometimes sticking to these will lead you to a story that could give you the
edge.
Part 6: How to Mojo...
After finishing my time at the papers, I rejoined the Mojo
(Mobile Journalism) group of the company and it was more difficult that it needed
to be.
I would pop in and check in on my fellow colleagues while we
spent time at the paper but someone our two weeks apart had left us feeling
disjointed.
Maybe it was the fact that we had just clicked with each
other when we had so many other people join us for jazz fest and we had to
learn how to work with strangers and not get so much time together with each
other; then we had two weeks apart which just left us to do our own thing but
either way, coming together again felt weird and we were out of sync with each
other.
A week has passed and I feel like we’re good again. We are
getting back to where we were with each other and getting familiar with one
another again but such is life, sometimes things can take a while.
A video I helped put together...
The fact that we were out of sync with each other made me
feel a bit weird and uncomfortable too but sometimes you just have to have a
word with yourself in the mirror and “pull yourself towards yourself”.
I am excited for what the next few months hold ahead for us.
If the past two months are indicative of anything it is that
expect the unexpected and that life will had you unexpected moments that lead
to wonderful experiences so don’t be scared to step out of your comfort zone
because that is really where the magic happens.
Now if only I could remember that...
Theo. Over and
Out.
*PS - The order is
wrong on that but on purpose because I wanted it to match the sections of the
blog post. (><)
Also in case you are
wondering since I removed the journalist’s name from the byline in the pic, I
am very grateful to the journalist because the person is really so so lovely,
but I removed it because of the story that I explained from my perspective.
