Thursday, 18 June 2015

Am I really like this or just pretending?

I apologise for this post in advance because, to put it bluntly it’ll be some existential bullshit, but what does it mean to be human if we don’t have moments of existentialism and self-reflection on the odd occasion?
I would like to believe that I am a good person.
I try to be helpful and help make the world a less shitty place because life is shit enough and why in the hell do I need to add the misery of the world?
Whether I am a good person is whole other issue on its own.
I used to be somewhat regretful about being a goody-toe shoes in school and never really doing anything bad or truly rebellious in my life so far.
Sure I had a bit of fun, but the most adventurous thing I did in school was launch a broom across the room like a javelin twice in Grade 9, take a drag from someone’s cigarette and do some hubbly while I was Prefect at the occasional party.
I was the good, nice kid.
Now it’s all trivial really...
Otherwise that was it.
There was too much shit going on at home, school and emotionally for me to have a rebellious phase.
ALSO my mother put the fear of misbehaving in me.
I was so scared to do something wrong because my mother made it known that she would be there to make me regret messing up.
I had to get good grades, be polite, respect elders, be helpful, considerate and not cause unnecessary drama. I wouldn’t rock the boat or backchat because that was seen as being disrespectful and rude.
Whatever I was going through would always be insignificant compared to someone else who was going through a whole lot worse shit than I was.
I think it was that constant reminder that my shit was just an anthill compared to someone else’s mountain sized shit that made me try being selfless and less self-absorbed about my issues.
So I quickly tried my best to be a better human being.
My quest to be a better human shattered a bit with the gay thing because I had been raised to believe that it was wrong I would go to hell and etc.
I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with trying to be the whole I believed I was, with this new piece of the puzzle that everyone else said didn’t necessarily contribute towards making me a better person.
And the thing that no straight person can ever truly understand is that the gay thing really fucks you up. It might not fuck you up a lot but it does...
It affected emotionally and psychologically.
That along with the living a meaningful better life while facing socio-economic factors just did me a really solid. (Sarcasm)
I didn’t really get that it would affect me until later actually, on a subconscious level but all the external pressures, the” trying to do my best” pressures, and “trying to be a better human” pressures feels like it’s all led me to question things:
Is anything I am doing is actually something that I want to do out of the kindness of my heart or something I do because I believe it’s what I have been taught is what I ought to do.
What brought this particular topic up is when someone I was developing feelings for mentioned how sweet of a person I was and that I was too sweet and etc...
It made me wonder if I was trying too hard to be this “sweet person” or if I was just pretending to be this sweet sincere person?
Lately I feel like I am fucking up and like I could be trying harder or doing more and like I am letting myself down by not trying to be a better person.  Sure I am adding pressure to myself but I don’t know how not to...
A consequence of all of this is that I tend to be highly emotional, intimidated by authority (because I don’t want to do something wrong) and high strung. I bottle a lot up and when I manage to find a emotional release, I tend to channel a lot of my subsequent emotions into that one avenue.
I struggle to modulate and moderate...and it can be overwhelming.
There is this saying (that I think I’ve coined) and it goes – “We’re all doing the best with the life we are given.”
I would like to believe that I am doing my best...whether I am, I don’t know...can I be doing better...of course.
I have no clue if some of the stuff I do if out of desire or a compulsion to do the right thing (habit) but nonetheless, it is what it is...
Am I really like this or am I just pretending??
I’ll let you know when I find out.

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