Discovering my wanderlust...

In the main center in Grahamstown.

I had hoped to write this post sooner, but I have been extremely busy with work.

The Grahamstown’s National Arts Festival rolled into the Cape Times #ElectionsTrek and finally Elections itself. I have very actively lately complaining about how tired I am.

I am actually hoping to take off soon, but besides my complaints, my recently work activities did make me realise how fortunate I am.

I had never been on an aeroplane before until I was selected to go and cover the National Arts Festival in Grahamastown. The whole Arts Fest experience was so amazing and eyes opening, to quote the slogan it was “11 Days of Amazing”.

I won’t recap too much of what I did because I did write a live blog for work which you can find here, but it was a truly wonderful, sometimes stressful experience where I learned a little more about myself.

#Selfie I took this morning at the monument with the lovely #Grahamstown in the background #NAF16 pic.twitter.com/u8WHevGkkp

— The Lion (@thelionmutters) July 1, 2016

It was so great learning about a town that I had never been to, and if you ever want to learn about a town in a short span of time, the Arts Fest is it. You have shows across the town, and it forces you to be a little adventurer.

What I loved most about the whole experience was that it ignited this desire in me to travel more.

I’ve always had this desire to travel, but it did so in a completely different way.

I had only been back in Cape Town for about a week before going away another week-long work trip.

 It was part of the Cape Times’ election coverage where a reporter, a photographer and I travelled to a few of the smaller towns within our province to find out how people felt about elections.

It was enlightening because you are driving to towns, which people usually drive past.

We visited 5 towns in a week, and visiting these smaller towns made me appreciate them. I will never shy away from just stopping into a little town while on a road trip because you can never know what you might learn.

The people I have met through my trips, the stories I’ve heard and the experiences I had are all memories that I will never forget. All of these things have given me a greater insight into the world around me.

A super awesome friend and I are actually tentatively making plans to go on a Euro-tour in about two years, and I cannot wait. Sure I would love to go overseas before then, but I am not above hard work to get myself there.

I will definitely encourage others to explore the area and world around them because you never know what awaits, and for myself, it is something I look forward to exploring further.

Theo. Over and Out

Learning about Whiteness and Colourism

Something interesting I have learned in the past year are the subjects of whiteness and colourism; specifically how these words have helped me expand my vocabulary and articulate my feelings around race.

The subject that has captured my mind the most has been whiteness, because it is the ways in which people of colour (like myself) have been told how some of the things white people do, then becomes the standard of greatness.

Like how I made sure I spoke English in this overly enunciated manner so that when white/coloured people regularly told me, "You speak so well", I felt so proud; even when I was saying nothing of importance. This is interesting because no one usually says that of white people.

Like how I ended up wanting to go to one high school because it was seen as the classier school where the white kids went, instead of a closer school that most of the coloured and black kids went.

Like how I would expect my parents (then eventually a single parent mother) to provide me with the things that some of my white friends had, when what I had was already the luxury that they could provide.

Like how growing up on Ricoffy, turned out to be fake coffee because my lower middle class family could never afford filter coffee, and only in high school did I learn that there was this thing called filter coffee.

Like how the media kept pushing this notion of “white beauty” on me to such a degree that it has subconsciously shaped my first instinctive preferences in guys, and beyond that they way my imagination often visualises fictitious characters.

I would stop reading a book when it repeatedly pointed out how “half-Asian” or “dark skinned” a character was, as those character traits would disrupt this image of a white character in my head.

I have had to become aware of all these things and in some cases needed to unlearn these habits, while in other cases I’ve needed to make peace with how I was socialized throughout life.

Racebent Hermione Granger

Colourism is another part of this, as it is something which relates to racism and classism on those within your own racial class. An example being the snide/derogatory comments made about people from a poorer social group when you have exactly the same skin tone.

The only interaction with this I had was when I would judge people of colour for how they would speak English; never mind the fact that English would be their second or third language. As if their manner of speaking English would be a judgement on their intellect.

I haven’t dealt with colourism as much, but learning about this issue, and becoming aware of whiteness (specifically mine) has been a very enlightening part of this year.

The process of learning about these things have been extremely difficult and uncomfortable for myself but by learning more about this, I had found that it has made me more open to learning about the people around me instead of judging them first.

I know that I am still learning, but I am proud of myself for what I have become aware of thus far.

How you doing? I don't know.

Anyone who has seen my most recent posts on social media has been bound to pick up on the fact that I am currently feeling extra emotional.

I am just not in a happy space.

There is a number of contributing factors to this, some of which I don’t really feel like I fully understand. I feel like I am at the beginning of a quarter life crisis – which is actually a legitimate thing surprisingly.

Maybe 2016 is just meant to be a more emotionally challenging year for me? I don’t know if it is true, but it certainly feels that way to me.

The older I seem to get, the more I feel like issues that I thought I had dealt with over the years are rearing their heads causing more shit for myself. Like I had just put paint over the cracks and now they are reopening.

I have no energy to list them all here because I feel like I am a broken record playing the same old depressing sob song on repeat. Woe is me *violins playing in the background*.

Basically, I am just not feeling it.

I’ve recently found myself noticing the generic “How are you doing?” question that always starts every conversation. I, of course, answer with the “Good thanks and you?” without really meaning it because often, people don’t really care how you are and they are just being polite and additionally, it also moves the conversation along.

However, with people who I care enough about, I answer the question honestly, saying: “I don’t know”.

It catches people off guard; and while it could be construed as an attention seeking ploy, that doesn’t matter to me because I am being honest.

It is not that I am uncertain of how I am feeling, but rather I find myself uncertain of why I am feeling the way I do - trying to experience the happiness that I find in everyday life, while simultaneously, feeling a sadness weigh heavy on my heart. It is exhausting. 

Further complicating things for myself is that I am a bad liar.

I can be a great liar when I put effort into in, and use my high school drama skills, but I do not have a heart to lie. I would rather avoid telling someone something than lying to them. My face is also pretty easy to read – the emotions are very easy to read on my face.

It takes so much effort for me to fake a “don’t worry, I am fine” and it is something that I have to do when at work. Going on a story or out of the office is a lot easier to “fake” it, because you have to be professional. You are doing a job and meeting people, focusing on them so it is easy to not think about what you are feeling. 

However when you are in the office, it is a bit harder.

People will say “Don’t be miserable” and “Smile a little” which I totally understand because newsrooms can be a bit depressing. No one wants to be surrounded by miserable and grumpy people who make things difficult for other people.

I get it.

The issue for me however, is that people need to be a little more sensitive when just blurting out “Don’t be miserable” because someone might be going through something or is not at their best and by telling them to not be miserable, you are being insensitive and inconsiderate about what they are feeling.

Faking happiness can only work so long. It doesn’t always work.

There is a lot happening with me, and it sometimes I don’t always want to speak about it or tell people about it. Sometimes I just want to be and figure my shit out. I actually went for a random 30 minutes walk during my lunch hour recently and it was a walk that had no purpose but it helped me.

If you ask me how I am doing and I go - “I don’t know” - just know that I care enough about you to answer it honestly, but also don’t feel compelled to ask if you don’t want to know, or get upset by a vague non-answer.

I am just rolling with the punches.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS- Do note that if I do look like I do need a hug, I will never object or reject a hug. Hugging is awesome and has been proven to help people feel better. #TeamHugsForTheWin

My "Open Wound"

Picture: David Ritchie

I have repeatedly heard that tattoo means “open wound” in Samoan.

I am not sure if that is true or not, because I haven’t found a source reliable enough for me to trust it, but I would love to think it is true.

Regardless, there is still something very poetic and appropriate about it for me.

I had always wanted to get a tattoo, but the whole permanent aspect was a major speed bump that put me somewhat off it.

As I got older, I figured things out and learned more about myself. Over time I changed, as we all do.

Coming out was a pretty big deal for me, it permanently changed my relationship with my mother and my family. It changed how my friends saw me. It changed how I saw myself. How could it not?

That sweet wallflower, that gentle-hearted, ever-the-do-gooder boy I was died that day, and it wasn’t something I realised until writing this.

Coming out broke that boy.

To realise that the fact that I was gay (which was the one thing I was told never to be my entire life) broke the image I had of myself. I loved being the sweet and good boy, the one who made my mother proud and my family proud.

In some ways I still am that boy but it is not the same.

Seeing my mother's look of disgust, hearing her bang her head against her cupboard door, and hearing her wail “Why me?” as if I had just punished her in the worse way imaginable, had forever changed me.

A piece of me died that day, but in return I gained a stronger piece of me.

The piece of me who can stand up for himself when he wants to, a piece of me who does his own thing regardless of what others want, and who is still a kind person (or tries to be).

I gained a piece of me who recognises that I can’t be anything else but myself, even though it can be alienating. I am idiosyncratically me, and I am a better human being for it.

A year or so after coming out, I started falling in love with having a way to commemorate the day that I came out. I had forgotten the specific date that I had come out on, because there were more important things that had happened that day than for me to remember the date.

Anyway, thanks to a Facebook post, I found the date and the fateful post that came the day after I had done the bravest thing of my life.

Some time had pass and in the back of my mind, it was impossible for me to escape the idea of celebrating this act of bravery. To me, it was the scariest and bravest thing that I had ever done in my life, and I felt that I wanted to cherish that.

Fast forwarding a bit, a few ideas would pop up and then pass, and a new one would come along and then go but they all had my coming out involved in some shape or form.

I finally settled on an idea which excited me: why don’t I record myself saying the date I came out and then use the sound waves of that recording as a tattoo?

I thought about this idea actively for over a year and it was the one that stuck. Also it was the one that felt the most “me”.

The idea of a standard (though little generic) LGBT tattoo was cool but it felt too broad, especially for a community that I don’t entirely feel settled into. The sound waves idea appealed to me because of my love for music.

I don’t know where music became so vital to me, but it did.

When I was in primary school and part of the xylophone group performing at school events, when I did choir for a bit, when my mother and stepdad were arguing I would be in my room listening to music, when I was feeling sad, music would be there - when I was becoming depressed because the stress of keeping the gay secret had started killing out every drop of happiness – music was there.

It is why I run my music blog posts because a life without music is not a life at all, it is just an existence.

So...I had settled on it. I had figured out what I wanted and that was most of the war won.

Everyone knows how neurotic I can be and overanalyse everything, so for me to permanently mark my body in such a way, I had to get to a point where getting the tattoo felt so natural. I kept visualising what it would look like on my arm and the more I did that, the more I settled into the idea of getting one.

Picture: David Ritchie

Why the right arm? No reason other than the fact that it needed to be somewhere I could see it. 

Whenever I feel like shit or like I am not strong enough, the tattoo while be that reminded that I did the thing that scared me most. I did one of the bravest things I have ever done, and if I could do so, then I can certainly handle anything else that comes my way?

The only thing left to do was execute it.

Last week was a bit mad because I hadn’t thought out the details of getting a tattoo. I hadn’t even scouted out tattoo parlours and taken my time to settle on one. It was all fast-paced.

In all honesty, it needed to be. I would have procrastinated and maybe not gone through with it if it had been all delayed.

Wednesday - I made sure to record myself saying the date and then get that into a program which created the sound wave.

Thursday – I was off and also found out that I can’t just walk in and do a tattoo on the same day, so I would need to book an appointment. I had already been planning to see them the day before, but this only confirmed it.

Friday – I went into the place only with my design, and the rent money I usually pay my mother, and went to speak to the people at Metal Machine.

(Side-bar: I had initially planned to go to Wildfire but my friend suggested that I try Metal Machine because Wildfire is overpriced. Honestly, I did not put enough effort into finding a bargain because all that mattered to me was the tattoo.)

The very friendly tattoo covered lady at the parlour took my design, went up to one of the tattoo artists and asked him about it.

After some back and forth, he said that he can do it but the design needed to be 25% bigger.

So they made it bigger (who doesn’t like bigger? :P ) and then asked me if It was alright.

It was.

I then committed to it:

Female Trainee Tattoo Artist : “When would you like to make the appointment?”

Me: “Tomorrow if possible.”

Her: “I don’t think that will be possible as Andro has another client.”

Receptionist: “Patrick actually changed his appointment to Monday, so Andro is free tomorrow.”

Lady: “Then you can do tomorrow. We do require a 50% deposit though...”

Me: “Cool...Uhm, Can I swipe?”

Lady: “We only accept cash.”

Me: “Okay then –uses money from the rent money I pay-“

Lady: “Well then, we will see you tomorrow. –hands me a card with appointment details-”

Me: “Okay, cool.”

Picture: David Ritchie

I pretty much then freaked out that I was actually committing to getting a tattoo for the rest of the day.

Saturday- I was nervous, excited and scared, but I knew that it was something I wanted.

I had to do a few errands before, but soon enough 12 o'clock came and along with David Ritchie, a work colleague who came for moral support. I was at the tattoo parlour ready to get my tattoo on.

Filled in the indemnity form thing and then once that was all sorted, I met my tattoo artist.

He seemed super intimidating at first, but that was only because he was questioning me about the tattoo, and also he had a serious demeanour about it.

After sorting out the finer details about the tattoo, we were ready to roll.

He had talked me through everything before, seeing as it was my first time (pun unintended) but he calmed me and just was a really cool guy about it.

Picture: David Ritchie

So they took the design, made a sticker thing out of it and then used that to put on my skin...which is what they do because then they trace the tattoo on your skin and still have another reference to look at the same time.

I officially have a whole new respect for tattoo artists because they make you feel at ease, explain everything and still try to be friendly and sociable even though they have a job to do. Maybe I was very lucky that I got Andro, but he was a legend.

The whole experience was perfect, it hurt but was perfect.

Picture: David Ritchie

For me my tattoo is an open wound for me.

It is a physical representation of an internalised scar that will forever be with me.

Sometimes we forget that we can leave scars on each of mentally, emotionally and psychologically. My tattoo is a scar that I want to wear on me because it is a battle scar. A battle scar I want everyone to see because I am not ashamed of what it means.

It is my symbol of bravery and strength from a battle that I made it out of.

I survived, especially in a world where many LGBT kids kill themselves because they don’t have anything to fight for. If things hadn’t turned out the way it hard, I might not be here today.

*shudder*

It is a sobering thought, isn’t it?

Theo. Over and Out.

Pictures: David Ritchie

PS: The thing that I find really funny was how in all of this, I overlooked the part that someone was going to be puncturing my skin repeatedly with a needle. It hurts people. Getting a tattoo hurts, it did hurt less than I thought it would but it hurts. Those first few manoeuvres were painful but you adjust and try not to focus on it, which is why Andro was so legend.

PPS: Also me and my mom are on good terms now. She doesn't accept the fact that I am gay but she still loves me and respects me which is really all I can ask from her.

Letting Yourself Down

It comes out of nowhere. That feeling...a concrete brick sinking into the pit of your stomach. It's covered with guilt, failure and disappointment. Usually it's the disappointment that stings the most.

I think that it is one of the most basic human feelings to want to be there for another person. Hoping to not let them down. It is something that I think everyone struggles with. No one wants to be a disappointment to the people closest to you. Feeling like a failure fucking sucks.

Unfortunately it is unavoidable. It happens to the best of us.

A topic that pertains to this though, that I wanted to tackle was: letting yourself down.

We have our moral codes and our ethics that we consciously (or subconsciously) live by. From a young age we were influenced from our parents, our surroundings and our experiences to form our own code of conduct and ethics.

The metaphorical lines in the sand we draw for ourselves; making vows and promises that we will never cross certain lines.

In an ideal world, we would never cross those lines, but the reality is that we do. Whenever we drop our standards or do something that compromises what we stand for - It is always a difficult pill to swallow.

We realise how full of imperfections we are, and how, as humans, we are influenced and affected by so much that happens around us.

I struggle with this.

Recently I had a moment where I felt like I was letting myself down. I realise in retrospect that it was over something small, but I honestly felt like I had disappointed myself. I strive to be a good person, and do the "right" thing but sometimes in doing so I set myself up for failure too.

There is no such thing as the "right" thing because what maybe right for you, could hurt someone else.

Everyone is hero in their own story, but yet, they maybe the villain in someone else's.

When something happens that I could have prevented, and it forces me to compromises my standards, naturally that makes me feel like shit.

Of course sometimes things are out of my control, which I cannot fix, but I can control how I react. In some ways, I let it get to me - which only does more harm than good, but the least I can do is dust myself off, and try my best to keep on going on.

A lesson to remember though is that you are not infallible. You are only human.

There are those instances too when we must violate our own promises and standard because life is never a matter of black and white, it is rather a series of experiences and interactions which makes us realise that sometimes we are living in the grey areas.

For example, you promised yourself that you would never cheat and that you hated everyone who cheated. Then out of nowhere came that instance where you found yourself in that situation; either because you got yourself there or because someone else lied to you and you suddenly found yourself in that predicament.

I have learned that while I do still think cheating is wrong, sometimes people screw up. It can be a one time thing, or it can be a issue that people have to work out within themselves but sometimes shit happens. Though, shit which gets caused by people themselves is an entirely other issue on it's own.

Also the instances of lying to those close to you because you know something - a truth that you have no right in revealing, that is going to come and hit them like wrecking ball, so all you can do is put on a brave face and prepare as you watch a unmovable wrecking ball about to damage them.

You feel like shit because there is nothing you can do, but you wait because you know that when that wrecking ball hits, you are going to need to be there for them.

No one wants to feel helpless, but sometimes things happen in such a way that you are struck helpless. Sometimes people need to help themselves because you can only do so much.

I was really interested in finding out what other people had to say on this matter, so I did.

"It feels like you've hit a new low," a colleague shared when asked how it feels when you let yourself down. One gentlemen, who overheard what I was writing about, gave some wisdom on the matter, "Chalk it up to experience. A learning curve - you can do better next time."



I was however, able to connect with this sentiment a female friend shared.

"It will be on my mind for weeks. I will think about the whole time, but then I will just end up disappointing myself... I will just have to deal with it and get over the initial pain afterwards."

Life forces you to adapt your standards and codes of conduct because life is life. You have to be malleable and adaptable because if you don't, then life will knock the shit out of you and beat you into submission.

BUT these are just moments that force us to realise that the line in the sand we drew for ourselves sometimes get washed away by the sea of life, we just have to be prepared to redraw them and repeatedly adjust.

Theo. Over and Out


PS- This blog post started out one way, and then it started taking a very different turn the more I started thinking about it. The reason for this was that I was all ready to say something and for it be a certain way, but the more I thought about it, and how life has affected me the more malleable I had to be.

It came down to a situation of idealism vs reality.

That aside, letting yourself down still sucks so try to be as true to you as you can be when you aren't stretching and adapting for life.

The Lion’s Tunes #7

Welcome to another edition of The Lion’s Tunes.

At the suggestion of a close friend, I decided to put my love of music to good use.

She pointed out to me that since I love music and listen to so much of it, I should share what songs I’m currently jamming to at the moment.

If you follow me on twitter then you’d know I usually tweet about what music has got me all caught up and catching feelings.

I’m by no means a music expert and I won’t pretend to be. Most of what will be written here is information I’ve learned on the net and just my personal opinions on the songs. So have at it...

·         Song: Didn’t Know You

Artist: Karmin

I love how just by browsing Youtube was I able to come across this song. Karmin is most well for their song Acapella and the viral video where the female lead singer manages to Rap Bust Rhymes' verse on "Look at me now". I really love this song, it's moody and poppy but there is nothing annoyingly bubblegum about it. It is just a song that makes you want to be in showdown like the video showcases...

·         Song: Nothing but Trouble

Artist: Lil Wayne and Charlie Puth

I must start off by saying that I didn't like Charlie Puth and I was having a hard time getting into his vibe.
I am not 100% sold on the guy, (maybe because I want to fuck him but I can't have him so that makes me dislike him??? IDK), but dude is talented. You can't hate on someone who is talented because my issues with him aside, he does have one helluva amazing voice. He really has power behind that voice, and also when it comes to getting working with other artists, he really makes a excellent addition to any song.

·         Omen

Artist: Disclosure ft Sam Smith

Album: Caracel

I loved their first collaboration together, Latch, because it was just so damn cool. The Disclosure brothers had teased the release of a new single that they did with Smith all over Instagram, and so by the time that the single came, I was more than ready to let it wash over me. I was really excited about it because while it was recorded a while back, it was the first single that Smith has out following his vocal surgery.

·         Song: Say Love

Artist: JoJo

As part of her comeback, JoJo has released a Tringle, which is a fancy way of say thing that she simultaneously released three songs as her first release for her comeback. She has been out of the music game for quite some time following her legal battle with record label.

I am obsessed with her song Say Love because when you sit and listen to her vocal, you can hear how truly amazing she is. I immediately took to Youtubing live performances and it is as captivating live as what the studio version is.

Additional Mention:

Save My Soul:



When Love Hurts:

·         Song: The Hills

Artist: The Weekend

I wish I had words, but I dont. Chills down my spine for days!

·         Song: Holding On

Artist: Tourist ft Josef Salvat, Nina

There is something hypnotic about this song. Not just the music video (because when you watch it, you will know what I mean) but the song is just so good. I stumbled across this song as what happens when you go into a Youtube rabbit hole. The vocals on the song are just goosebumps inducing and the production is superb as the beat just makes me want to move along.

·         Song: Caviar Dreams

Artist:  PHFat ft Al Bairre

Album: 5fm Mashlab

This song is a 5FM Mashlab, and it is just one superb song. I can't get enough of it. I have nothing else to say. I love how it took Al Bairre's sound and added with Phfat they came together to create this lovely piece of music that more people need to hear.

·         Song: Black Mambo

Artist: Glass Animals

Psychedelic pop is the only thing that comes to my mind when I think of as a way to describe the sound of this group. I love how weird their lyrics and their sound is but there is something about them that is just undeniably awesome. Admittedly their sound is not for everyone but that aside, the song comes from a group that I am just so love in. They are just so cool.

·         Song: Wild

Artist: Troye Sivan

EP: WILD

The South African born-Australian artist released his follow up EP WILD to his first musical effort TRXYE, and WILD is exactly how everyone reacted to the music. No one can deny that the Spud star is quite the talent, and it works in his favour that he is releasing music that is not trying to be something that it isn't. With Troye Sivan's music, it is what it is...and to me it is great. I love the vibe of it, and while I was initially thrown by the song WILD, it is a very good follow-up and I am excited to see where he goes next.

·         Song: Can't Sleep Love

Artist: Pentatonix

I first came to know about Pentatonix, the acapella group, after them winning the Grammy for Best Arrangement, Instrumental Or A Cappella earlier this year. The group then popped up again in Pitch Perfect 2 and it was really after that when I then went on a journey of their stuff. They also made the internet take note following their A Capella Michael Jackson medly (which I will share below). If you are not paying attention to PXT, then you better start because they are on the up and up.




Additional Mention: Michael Jackson Medley

·         Song: Let It All Go

Artist: Birdy + Rhodes

I came across this on my Facebook. I loved the music video, and just how saturated and lush colourful tones that they used. The song itself is pretty emotive and lovely to put on if you are feeling a bit emotional. I must admit this resonated with me quite a bit as it touched of some of my feelings about my break-up with the ex, and that is why I love it because it just speaks to the point of where you have to let it go.

Songs on the radio that I’m currently obsessed with –

1.      Major Lazer ft Ellie Goulding & Tarris Riley - Powerful

2.      Carly Rae Jepsen - Run Away With Me

3.      Demi Lovato - Cool for the Summer

4.      Taylor Swift - Wildest Dreams

5.      Hailee Steinfeild - I Love Me

- Yes, Hailee is the girl you saw in Pitch Perfect 2. I was surprised myself by her solo effort but damn. I love it. Also you can't really go wrong when singing a song about masturbation...especially one so catchy.

All tracks should be available on iTunes.

If you have any suggestions don’t be scared to let me know in the comments below.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS- “The right song will find you at the right time”