Temporary Model...

Recently I spent my time filming and recording interviews at SA Menswear Week, where there were hot models for days - that post is forthcoming btw.

It was pretty awesome being in that environment and getting to see what all goes into a fashion show.

However, I got to experience a role reversal when I finally got around to doing my own photo shoot with my awesome friend Chelsea Tobias.

I had been nagging for months to finally get my turn in front of the camera and after my nagging she let me get my way.

So without further ado:

Needless to say that I am of course really happy about how the pictures turned out.

She made me look like a bajillion times hotter than what I actually am so props to her for achieving the impossible.

Not to toot my own horn but I did feel very natural in front of the camera, and while I could claim that it’s just my natural quality.

I do think it’s because I have often had to be on the opposite side of the camera pleading with people to let me film them (for work purposes) and it can be really difficult when people are less than willing.

If someone is not comfortable in front of the camera, it is awfully easy to pick that up. 

Nonetheless, it was tonnes of fun. Everyone should do a photo shoot at least once...

Theo. Over and Out.

Edit: Thank you to Chelsea Tobias for giving me permission to use her photos.

If you want to find her stuff then here is the link: www.wanderlovestudio.weebly.com

Also know that she is busy studying a commerce degree so she may not have the time but if you ever want her to shoot for you then just ask. I am sure she won’t mind...much.

Am I really like this or just pretending?

I apologise for this post in advance because, to put it bluntly it’ll be some existential bullshit, but what does it mean to be human if we don’t have moments of existentialism and self-reflection on the odd occasion?

I would like to believe that I am a good person.

I try to be helpful and help make the world a less shitty place because life is shit enough and why in the hell do I need to add the misery of the world?

Whether I am a good person is whole other issue on its own.

I used to be somewhat regretful about being a goody-toe shoes in school and never really doing anything bad or truly rebellious in my life so far.

Sure I had a bit of fun, but the most adventurous thing I did in school was launch a broom across the room like a javelin twice in Grade 9, take a drag from someone’s cigarette and do some hubbly while I was Prefect at the occasional party.

I was the good, nice kid.

Now it’s all trivial really...

Otherwise that was it.

There was too much shit going on at home, school and emotionally for me to have a rebellious phase.

ALSO my mother put the fear of misbehaving in me.

I was so scared to do something wrong because my mother made it known that she would be there to make me regret messing up.

I had to get good grades, be polite, respect elders, be helpful, considerate and not cause unnecessary drama. I wouldn’t rock the boat or backchat because that was seen as being disrespectful and rude.

Whatever I was going through would always be insignificant compared to someone else who was going through a whole lot worse shit than I was.

I think it was that constant reminder that my shit was just an anthill compared to someone else’s mountain sized shit that made me try being selfless and less self-absorbed about my issues.

So I quickly tried my best to be a better human being.

My quest to be a better human shattered a bit with the gay thing because I had been raised to believe that it was wrong I would go to hell and etc.

I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with trying to be the whole I believed I was, with this new piece of the puzzle that everyone else said didn’t necessarily contribute towards making me a better person.

And the thing that no straight person can ever truly understand is that the gay thing really fucks you up. It might not fuck you up a lot but it does...

It affected emotionally and psychologically.

That along with the living a meaningful better life while facing socio-economic factors just did me a really solid. (Sarcasm)

I didn’t really get that it would affect me until later actually, on a subconscious level but all the external pressures, the” trying to do my best” pressures, and “trying to be a better human” pressures feels like it’s all led me to question things:

Is anything I am doing is actually something that I want to do out of the kindness of my heart or something I do because I believe it’s what I have been taught is what I ought to do.

What brought this particular topic up is when someone I was developing feelings for mentioned how sweet of a person I was and that I was too sweet and etc...

It made me wonder if I was trying too hard to be this “sweet person” or if I was just pretending to be this sweet sincere person?

Lately I feel like I am fucking up and like I could be trying harder or doing more and like I am letting myself down by not trying to be a better person.  Sure I am adding pressure to myself but I don’t know how not to...

A consequence of all of this is that I tend to be highly emotional, intimidated by authority (because I don’t want to do something wrong) and high strung. I bottle a lot up and when I manage to find a emotional release, I tend to channel a lot of my subsequent emotions into that one avenue.

I struggle to modulate and moderate...and it can be overwhelming.

There is this saying (that I think I’ve coined) and it goes – “We’re all doing the best with the life we are given.”

I would like to believe that I am doing my best...whether I am, I don’t know...can I be doing better...of course.

I have no clue if some of the stuff I do if out of desire or a compulsion to do the right thing (habit) but nonetheless, it is what it is...

Am I really like this or am I just pretending??

I’ll let you know when I find out.

March In Review: A Whole New World

I have always believed that you experience certain phases for a time and then you move on to the next big thing.

Life happens in such a way that you have primary school, then high school (if you don’t drop out) followed by university (if you can afford it) and finally you start working.

I have started the work phase of my life, and it’s been an interesting time for me.

Previously I’ve been asked if I ever miss school/varsity now that I’m working and honestly I don’t – but only because of being the type of person I am.

I make the best of my time in the certain phases of my life then when the time comes to move on, I do.

I was never saddened to matriculate because I did the numerous school plays, was a prefect and enjoyed all the high school moments (the highs and lows). With university, I was so happy when I graduated because it was a huge achievement for me.

I wouldn’t have mind doing Honours sure, but the finances weren’t there so I had to move on from UCT and if I’m being honest, I am glad that I did.

If you had asked me this in February then my answer would have been very different because unemployment fatigue was setting in, but now however, I love where I am at.

Where may that be you ask?

Being a responsible and working adult for the first time in my life.

In one of my previous posts – Being the Poor Friend – I explained why I had never had a job before. Now since I’ve had time to settle in at work and learn what being a working adult means, I realised that I am glad I never worked before because I wouldn’t have handled the responsibility well.

With everything happening in my life previously, I would’ve had a breakdown.

It took for me learn about myself and then endure the hardships of figuring out I’m not straight (with all of that baggage) for me to finally be where I am today.

I was a very gentle kid growing up who would cry for everything, so life needed to toughen me up. Sure I still have some way to go but I happy with my progress, I’m not as fragile as what I once was.

Anyway, back to the point of this – working.

Work is really hard guys, and sooo exhausting... but mostly it’s really rewarding.

When I got the news that I was accepted into the internship programme at Independent Media, my whole attitude towards it was that I want to learn as much as I can. If the 6 months of my internship comes and they happen to let me go, I know that I will have received everything out of the experience that I wanted.

I know this already because the first month of work has already taught me so much.

I won’t lie, I’m a little worried that things at work will go pear shaped but that is because I’m neurotic. Oddly enough it is not the big dramas that freak me out, rather the small little things that trip me up.

I feel like I’m not smart enough or hard working enough but I know that that is just my self-doubt talking.

I need to remind myself to stay calm and get out of my own way.

This past month has been filled with lots of laughs, getting to meet and interview new people and having some of the best experiences in my life so far:

-          Working on the 16^th Cape Town International Jazz Festival was amazing and getting to spend some time with kickass people.

-          The late nights where literally the only thing keeping you going was the energy of those around you.

-          Learning about the media industry and that there are long painstaking hours that go into producing a newspaper has been eye opening.

-          How to write articles, because they aren’t the same thing as essays.

-          Operating new equipment and what works best for different mediums.

-          The hot photographers that you see and on occasion want to do the dirty with. (That one blonde haired beauty from EWN though!!! I would marry him.)

-          The really cool people I get to work with in my team who are starting to feel like a second family.

Mojo so strong, you'll fall under our spell.

All of the above have been really invaluable experiences so far and I have loved it.

Sure there have been a few low points but that comes with everything in life – sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. You just have to keep rolling with the punches.

I have no clue where this journey I’m currently on will take me but I’m eager to find out.

Can I also just say that I’m damn proud of myself  of surviving through March because finances were tight and my phone was fucking out so I had no contact with my friends compared to what I usually do. I didn’t have them to keep me motivated all the time. I really really missed them, but I also know that I can count of myself too...

I made myself a list of goals in January that I needed to achieve before the end of this year and I will share them with you now (don’t judge):

1.       Employment

2.       Bank Account (one that lasted and that doesn’t get closed because of no money being put into it)

3.       Drivers Licence

4.       Passport

Those are 4 goals, two of which I have already crossed off.

They seem very silly to me now but when I wrote that at the start of this year, they meant something. The reason why there were only four was because I thought it would take me forever to cross off the first one.

I seriously doubted that I would achieve them.

The next thing on my list is my driver’s licence which I’m daunted by (read: shit scared and pissing my pants) but before the end of this year I will accomplish it.

2015 has surprised me in many ways, and I look forward to what else it has in store for me.

Who knows maybe I may finally get to say that I’ve finally been on an airplane before the end of it? Or even find myself a fiancée? 

Theo. Over and Out. 

PS – I’m half joking about the fiancée thing; I am very much want to be about letting love happen naturally (well as naturally as what my personality will allow). For now I am focusing on myself and work at the moment, but I can only keep the hopeless romantic in me within his cage for 80% of the time. 

The Complexity of Texting

So I have this unproven theory, amongst others, that the way you text is indicative of your personality. What I mean by that is that you can tell a lot about someone given the content of their texts. Texting is something we do on a day to day basis and it’s something we rarely think too deeply about, but there is more to it than what you might think.

I did an assignment about this in University and did very well – yes that was a shameless plug on how smart I am – but I wanted to do this in blog form because I still feel like it is still a relevant point. I could’ve posted the assignment here but it’s far too academic and dull so I’ll surmise the most badass points.

The assignment required me to look at the personal use of mobile media applications, and what that suggests about the role of cell phone messages in relation to youth culture communicate; which was a fancy way of saying “analyse your messages between your friends”. Basically I was given subheadings that I had to use as I was discussing this and because I had to hit a certain amount of words, my point became so dynamic (read: convoluted) in some sections that it even confused me – again, I’m really smart.

Since this is my blog and I get to type to my heart’s content, I get to present you with a highlights package:

Language and Discourse

• Basically the 12 years of high school English (and for some of us that still went onto university and majored in English) was all for nought because when it comes to texting you make up your own rules. We communicate in an idiosyncratic way - sure we all say the same things but text can be about as individualised as people’s speech patterns. Sometimes when someone sends a message and then you say “I heard that in your voice”, is basically how the language used in texting can be personalized. You’re pretty much extending the characteristics of your personality into your messaging habits.
• You can speak in another language, mix languages or create your own language. You can use punctuation or you can use none at all... Anything Goes. Sure sometimes you might want to text in a formal manner but it depends on who you’re speaking to but again, anything goes...
• The use of emoticons further establishes an individualistic way of texting. We all have emoticons that we like using, sometimes we overuse them or sometimes we don’t use emoticons at all. The emoticons you use are in some ways a reflection of who you are.
• Mobile messaging allows us to talk about multiple issues simultaneously or about one issue at a time. Basically three topics of conversation can be occurring at the same time when texting. This often occurs when you’re younger, or a wordy person like me, but sometimes you could be speaking about a party you attended, a funny story you heard and a movie you watched, all in one go. 

Practical/Social Arrangements

• Looking at my messages with my friends there are instances where parts of our conversations appear fragmented and random, but in actuality they are continuing a chat we started in person. Speaking of an event you’re all going to or reflecting on something that happened when you were together. These social interactions all continue from face-to-face to text or vice-versa.

 Media- (Entertainment Media consumption vs. News Media Consumption)

• Media sharing has become such a prominent feature when texting people. A large majority of my conversations deal with entertainment media in some shape of form - music, pictures, TV shows, movies or even fictional couples and actors.
• Entertainment news culture still continues to flouring in an economy where News media is on the decline. South Africa is interesting in noticing how tabloid newspapers are still going strong while the readership for broadsheet newspapers are in decline. In the case of the Cape Argus, the newspaper ended up adopting a tabloid look while still delivering its broadsheet style news.
• In other parts of the world entertainment media is still managing to keep viewers engaged.  Especially among the youth there is a greater knowledge about the latest phone, game, movie or book that has recently been released and less about the state of our current affairs. If you had to ask a teenager or a young student to name 2 cabinet ministers, majority of them would not be able to name two. There is a greater interest in entertainment media as opposed to that of current affairs news.
• Sure all of this comes down to your personal taste but when texting there is a greater (and easier) preference for Entertainment Media than Current Affairs.

Friendship Maintenance

• Texting, it could be argued, may be one of the factors, in aiding the continuation of friendships. Distance or conflicting schedules sometimes prevent us from seeing our friends and texting can help maintain those friendships. Sometimes it can even be the start of friendships. Other people who I don’t see often, I get to interact with via mobile messaging, and it’s because of texting that I get to stay in touch with them.

Privacy

• People expect that the chat you have with them would not be displayed for other people to see.  Due to this belief, people are more willing to reveal certain parts of themselves, and speak about topics that for some may be seen as being too racy or taboo. Jokes made in private chats may be offensive to some people if they were exposed beyond the parameters of that private chats. Sometimes people still feel the need to explicitly ask the other person to not reveal something being discussed. If you do share something from a personal chat with someone, there is an understanding that it is nothing harmful or too personal that will be reveal; if it is, then asking the person’s permission is the appropriate way before revealing something from your personal chats.

Basically when it comes to texting, just do you. Most of these points are very basic (I’m not reinventing the wheel here) but we sometimes take for granted how nuanced and layered the simple act of texting someone is. I just wanted to show that sometimes simple things are more intricate than what we think they are....

Let me know your thoughts in the If you have any thoughts you want to share then do so in the comments section below.

Theo :) 

Don’t let your neurotic tendencies stop you...

I wring my hands thinking, “Should I? What if I make a mistake? It might end well but I’m not sure? Why do I keep doing this to myself?” and every other thought I overanalyse whenever something significant happens or there is a decision looms over my head.

Such are the perks of having neurotic tendencies.

Having a certain level of contemplation and being occasionally neurotic is a totally acceptable part of being human, but often the problem arises once that level of contemplation or neuroticism becomes excessive and even affects our daily lives.

Once I had a conversation with my friend about is the fact that we’re both over-thinkers:

Her: “Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you were never at war with your mind? I think about it all the time... How I'd be such a different person if I wasn't so involved in my own mind."

Me: “All the time! I think life would be so much more engaging and effortless without the emotionally taxing baggage that comes with battling with my own mind! Like decisions would never be analysed to the nth degree.”

Her: “Right? I get so resentful sometimes because some people have it so easy... And we didn't ask to have overactive brains, they just happened. I wonder how neurotic people get into normal relationships with normal people. It seems sort of impossible. It’s like an evolutionary block put in place to help lower the amount of humans in the world.”

It can be the most frustrating thing to want to do something, but then thinking about it to such a degree that you ended up doing nothing or doing something about it too late.

Having neurotic tendencies often leads to so much time being wasted when thinking about a situation instead of actually making a decision about it; this becomes problematic especially if you allow opportunities to pass you by because you were thinking about the ramifications too much.

We’ve all been there in that situation- either romantic, academic or professional – where we’ve been presented with a opportunity that could have such a vast impact on our lives but instead of making a decision about the opportunity, we choose to obsess over it and think about in every single way through different perspectives for so long that by the time we reach a conclusion, the opportunity is gone.

When you realise that you have feelings for your friend but you spend so much time thinking about how they would react that you may miss your chance to say something allowing them to date someone else, or you are contemplating making a professional change to something you love but scared of the repercussions it might have so you do nothing.

I recently graduated and this fact has been looming largely over me because all I’m thinking about is “I need to get a job” or “what if I get nothing and become a bum, I’d be such a failure” or “Why is everyone else succeeding and I’m wasting my life”; these are just an example of the daily thoughts I experience.

I had to tell myself to stop and that it’s okay to take a moment to reflect on the situation. I told myself that as long as I keep putting in the hard work then everything will work out the way it is supposed to. It’s okay to go through the occasional dry patch.

Don’t let being neurotic stop you from living your life. Try to be present in the moment and take a risk on something that might or might not work out, instead of not doing anything at all. Sometimes making an impromptu decision you haven’t overanalysed could lead to unexpected and great things. 

Online versus Offline

Online platforms like Facebook, Twitter and numerous other online communities have allowed us to communicate with other users in such a way that we have been able to develop a rapport with total strangers. It has afforded us the opportunity of expanding our social circles and establishing new friendships in the process.

Once we have gained enough understanding of a person’s online personality, we are able to engage with them about shared interests or even differences that we are interested in learning more about. We comment, instant message or favourite their posts because we’ve taken an interest in what they are doing and want to get to know them better.

While everything might be going great in the confines of the online world, it is extremely difficult to gauge whether these online interactions are truly worth moving offline until we decide take the chance, which does come with danger of putting those online friendships in jeopardy.

Twitter, Facebook and Instagram for example have become known for bringing strangers together online; it only takes a quick Google search to find numerous articles documenting how relationships which started online as friendships, have flourished once these people took the chance to meet in real life.

Guaranteed that everyone reading this knows or has heard of people who met online and after taking a chance, they have ended up being one of the most in love couples you know.

Unfortunately not everyone can have such successful stories, sometimes online friendships meaning nothing more than just strangers being nice. There are also numerous instances of catfishing taking place because the internet has allowed us anonymity to do such things where you can create your own identity. 

When it comes to the internet there is an inherent difference between our offline and online lives. Depending on which online platform you favourite, there can certainly be total separation between our online and offline lives.

With platforms, especially twitter and Instagram you may only know the person online and this does not require you to engage with them in day-to-day activity. You may have certain aspects of your personality that are more exaggerated online in comparison to how you are in your day-to-day social interactions.

Someone who may be outspoken online could be demure and introverted in their day-to-day lives because of how the internet gives us exposure to their views and thoughts without them feeling the need to keep to themselves.

There is a juxtaposition of identity that is created.

Even if you are not an introvert, there is still a difference between your online personality and that in your daily life. You interact with such a wide variety of people that sometimes it can often lead to unexpected friendships or connection with people who you may never have gotten to know and people you may have never expected to interact with.

The internet is wild and mysterious place.

Sometimes online friends are nothing more than friendly strangers, while other times they could in fact go onto become a good friend or, in some cases, your spouse. Think about that the next time you click your mouse.