Why am I so desperate for companionship?

This is a question I have been asking myself increasingly over the past few months.

I have always been very cognisant of the fact that as humans it is only natural to seek companionship and partner up. It is something that happens frequently.

There has been numerous scientific research and articles addressing the fact that as humans it is natural for us to seek out companions – be it for reproductive purpose or just the need for affection.

It is just what makes us human.

Seeing as I cannot use the reproduction argument in my case, it then leaves the need for affection option, which then forces me to ask, why am I so desperate for affection?

Is it because it is just “basic human needs” or does it come from the issue that I cannot handle being alone?

I would like to think that I have had enough time to discover if my constant desire for companionship is instead pointing to something deeper, and in all honesty, I cannot deny that it might.

A part of me wonders if it maybe has to do with my daddy issues – i.e. absent father who made me feel unappreciated and like a burden, which then lead to my Mom being forced to step in... Basically the same old sob story. But the thought is there - maybe my search for love from a partner is because I lacked the feeling of love from him.

This theory has also been used in the “are you gay because you lacked a strong male figure in your life” argument – which in my case is not true because my grandfather was there for me, and stepdad, and I was already sure the signs of my gayness were there by the time I was in Grade 3.

Funnily enough, on my birthday last year, some stranger actually sent me a message which I will post:

I was upset after reading this because, who gave this stranger the right to force their psychoanalysis on me especially when I didn’t ask for it. Like seriously? Thanks for the input in my life but no one asked you.

It did have me thinking - to which I realised that I am honestly past the point of seeking approval from someone in my life who was only there when his conscience reminded him of his other son.

(Listen, I have blame in that relationship too because I have brother who I have zero relationship with because of all of this, and that is an unfortunate consequence of our actions.)

So maybe that need for companionship comes from this, but there is an alternate theory that I feel is more appropriate.

Maybe I am just one of those people who are driven by their desire to make someone else happy?

Maybe it is not even about me exactly, but more about a desire to fulfill the needs of another person - treating them with compassion, kindness and love.

There is a vast difference between platonic love versus romantic love, and maybe I want to experience that with a person.

Or maybe it could be because I don’t want to wind up a miserable old man with no one to love him?

Or I am looking for a warm roll to stick my sausage in? (I doubt it is purely this reason).

But regardless, there are all things to think about.

Though, it should be said that I have only had two sexual partners over the span of four years which is equal to the amount of relationships I have had. Also, I am not seeking for love by bed hopping to someone else so there is no promiscuous behaviour happening.

[Not that promiscuity is related to this, some people just like having a lot of sex, and power to them for that. No judgement/slut or man-whore shaming here, just a stating that I don’t do the sleeping around because it is just not me.

Interesting enough, I find that I am getting criticised for not being able to sleep around. People have been telling me to ease up, and not be so intense. Sometimes all you want is just to screw someone for a night and that I should be into doing that; especially because as a gay man, I should be all about the excessive sex, BUT I am just not into that.]

I recently told someone that I would love a relationship but I am not going to force it.

As much as being alone and single is driving me crazy at the moment, it is still a remark that I believe to be true. I will not repeat the mistake of rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one because I am only shooting myself in the foot and sabotaging myself.

For now, I am just going to let my life figure itself out, because it is not like I have 500 things going on (sarcasm), so the chips will have to fall where they may.

 “Que Sera, Sera. Whatever will be, will be, the future of live is free, que sera sera”

Theo. Over and Out.

PS – This post doesn’t really contribute towards any great epiphany but I like reflecting on myself and my behaviours because if I cannot examine my own issues/faults/flaws/tendencies then how am I to grow? I won’t deny that it does leave me vulnerable and open to people who might exploit it, but I think I have enough self-preservation to know how to deal with those people.

PPS – I have come to learn a lot about rape culture and will concede that leaving my female friend to wait alone wasn’t the best idea, but I was younger then and didn’t have the insight I do now.

What to do when crushing on someone taken?

My friend and I had a great debate about this topic as we were watching an episode of a TV show. We got onto arguing, “What do you do when you have feelings for someone taken?”

We weren’t talking about being vindictive and going after someone already in a committed relationship with the sole intent of breaking them up because that is really disgusting behaviour. We were specifically referring to that situation where you find yourself unintentionally having feelings for someone, and now have to figure out what to do.

He argued that you should tell them:

“Because why not tell them? Why should you hide your feelings? Essentially, it’s still their choice what to do with the information. If you tell them you're into them, they still get to decide whether they want to stay with their partner or not. You're not forcing them to leave their partner for you; you're just providing them a choice. And if they love their partner, then their choice is simple. Isn't denying them the right to choose more selfish? Haven't you, by not telling them, made their decision for them? I think that's what's selfish.”

His point above is pretty self-explanatory but it all comes down to the fact that - you should give them the decision of what to do. If they are happy in their relationship, then they would be flattered by your feelings for them but politely reject you. You should be honest and not keep how you feel a secret; once you know how they feel and then you go from there.

I argued that it was selfish to tell someone as your main motive for telling them would be to make yourself feel better. You are putting another person in a precarious and awkward situation because you could not keep your feelings to yourself. This is someone who is already taken and is off the market, but you just had to tell them how you feel??? For what? Sure you didn’t intend on developing feelings for this person, but telling them accomplishes nothing.

I maintain that telling someone who is already taken about your feelings is not a good idea. It could also be seen as making a move on someone else’s relationship, and then when the significant other finds out, it will likely cause immense emotional harm.

Telling them only does more harm than good.

I decided to write about this because I felt it was a pertinent topic of discussion given that it is that time of year where people feel brave enough to confess their feelings and focus on all the Valentine’s Day stuff.

I posed this question to a few of my friends and these were some of their responses:

Lara: “It’s okay to tell someone who you have known for a long time. You shouldn’t do it if you barely know them, but if you’ve known someone for a really long time then you should tell them how you feel.”

Sam: “If you can see that they are happy together then don’t do it. You don’t want to be the reason their happiness is destroyed. You will feel terrible if you do.”

Alastair: “I say you should tell them if you know that the secret [of not telling them] will cause you both to have more problems than what the truth might bring.”

Chelsea: “Tell them if they’ve been in your life for a while and you know they will still respect you if you tell them. Don’t tell them if you can see they’re happy with their partner and the news will just destroy something really good that they have. It’s a difficult situation to be in though and you can’t avoid choosing between selflessness and selfishness but I would say that those are good guidelines for deciding what to do. Always assess the potential damage before you admit something like that.”

Something struck me about what Chelsea said because you are essentially trying to decide between being selfless and selfish. No one wants to come across as selfish, but you also want to be true to yourself. You should definitely assess the potential damage because it does not only impact you, but has a ripple effect.

Either way, it’s definitely a sticky situation where there is no right way to handle it. More a case of “to each their own” - you have to decide for yourself what to do.

For me, I’d zip my mouth, lock it tight, put a padlock on and throw away the key.

Theo. Over and Out.

The Vanishing Love

“Hi Joe,” James said to his partner over the phone, “I’m unfortunately running late, just leaving the office now.”

“Okay love,” Joe replied, “don’t take too long. We are having your mom over for dinner.”

“Will try my best,” James responded. “Bye, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Joe said ending the conversation.

Joe thought that he had ended another typical conversation with his partner over the phone, but what Joe had yet to discover was that nothing would be typical again.

James had gotten into a car crash on the way home and had to be rushed to the hospital. James’ mother, Mary, had already been at the couple’s home when they got the call about his accident. Joe and Mary had to rush to the hospital as quickly as they could, calling brothers, sisters, friends and parents along the way to let them know what had happened. Everyone was rushing to the hospital in hope that the news that awaited them was nothing horrific.

When Joe and Mary arrived at the hospital they had no idea where to go and were trying their best to remain calm- not letting their minds wander to negative thoughts. The twenty minutes it took for a doctor to find them in the waiting room, had felt like hours. James’ brother Edwin, along with Joe’s sister Ashley, their best friend Matthew and his wife Kimberly were all waiting alongside Joe and Mary when a doctor finally showed up to inform them that James had sustained a head injury. She said that they would be unable to know how extensive the damage was until he regained consciousness.

They eventually got the opportunity to see James and to their surprise they found him awake in the room. Dr Martin had been under the impression that James was unconscious when she informed them about his condition, so she was just as surprised to discover him awake.

She was ready to send them back to the waiting room, so that she could properly make her prognosis but James insisted for a few minutes with his friends and family. They reached a compromise and soon enough, she was ready to inform them about her prognosis.

“James had sustained a head injury and usually these cases have an unpleasant outcome but he was very fortunate. From what I have seen he remembers all the relevant things like who he is, where we are and who’s president. I just have to perform one last memory test then once that’s completed we’ll know where we stand.”

Dr Martin went around pointing to each person and asking James who they were and random additional information about them. It appeared that everything had turned out alright until she had asked James if he knew who the man next to his bed was.

“Do you know who he is?” Dr Martin asked indicating to Joe.

“He’s Joseph,” James replied. Joe couldn’t help but smile broadly at hearing his partner utter his full name since he’d always just called him Joe.

“We met 3 years ago,” James continued.

It was ultimately that sentence which caused everyone in the room to that notice something was off.

“James we’ve known each other for 6 years,” Joe corrected.

Dr Martin sensed that she had made a mistake by not asking James what year it was, and swiftly tried to rectify it immediately.

“James,” she started, “what year is it?”

“2012,” he said.

Joe’s heart broke instantly.

That was the year that everything had changed; James broke off his engagement with Monique, and came out of the closet and had their first kiss in June.

It was that very kiss that led to the start of their relationship.

“Where’s Monique?” he asked, looking around his bed, “I hope this doesn’t delay the wedding.”

As if every word was another nail in the coffin of their relationship, James continued speaking without an inkling that he was deeply hurting someone who loved him with their whole heart.

“But James honey,” his mother Mary started, “you’ve been with Joe for the past three years? Surely you must remember that?”

“What do mean been me and him?” James said.

“Together,” Edwin said, “you are the most in love couple I know. It gets annoying sometimes actually.”

“Stop talking shit, Joseph and I aren’t fucking faggots,” James laughed as everyone else winced at the slur. “It would be like saying Ed here was married. That’s never going to happen...”

“But I am married,” Edwin replied, showing him the wedding band around his hand.

All Joseph could do was stand and watch as the last three years of his relationship had vanished into thin air. The James he had fallen in love with had yet to materialise and making peace with that fact was especially hard for him considering the main reason for tonight’s dinner was so that he could propose. He had already asked Mary for her permission to marry her son and she had given it eagerly saying, “It was long overdue.”

She had been at their place to help him recreate their first date, but that was all pointless now.

“I’m going to get some air,” Joseph choked out, holding back the tears. “Give you all some time to yourself.”

Joseph felt like he could not breathe. The walls were closing in and it all was all overwhelming for him.

He never thought this would happen to him but now that it did, it changed his world. In the course of a day the life he envisioned, the love he had shared- all gone. He did not know what would happen but with all the thoughts banging around his head, he needed to get outside.

When Mary came to check on Joseph, she wasn’t surprised to see the young man leaning against the wall; the moon illuminating his tear soaked face as he clutched onto a small black box in his hands. Joseph never knew that such a small box could weigh so much.

He kept staring at the box; the love it was meant to represent now null and void.

He suddenly felt arms wrap around him, pulling him into a tight hug. He recognised who it was by the smell of her rose scented perfume. He couldn’t help but further break underneath her grasp, involuntarily releasing sobs of pain as he now had to put together a life without the man he loved. Joe loved James with every fibre of his being and James loved Joe just as equally too... or at least had loved him. Their relationship had its challenges but they always got past them. This time Joseph wasn’t so sure they would make it at all...