Letting Yourself Down

It comes out of nowhere. That feeling...a concrete brick sinking into the pit of your stomach. It's covered with guilt, failure and disappointment. Usually it's the disappointment that stings the most.

I think that it is one of the most basic human feelings to want to be there for another person. Hoping to not let them down. It is something that I think everyone struggles with. No one wants to be a disappointment to the people closest to you. Feeling like a failure fucking sucks.

Unfortunately it is unavoidable. It happens to the best of us.

A topic that pertains to this though, that I wanted to tackle was: letting yourself down.

We have our moral codes and our ethics that we consciously (or subconsciously) live by. From a young age we were influenced from our parents, our surroundings and our experiences to form our own code of conduct and ethics.

The metaphorical lines in the sand we draw for ourselves; making vows and promises that we will never cross certain lines.

In an ideal world, we would never cross those lines, but the reality is that we do. Whenever we drop our standards or do something that compromises what we stand for - It is always a difficult pill to swallow.

We realise how full of imperfections we are, and how, as humans, we are influenced and affected by so much that happens around us.

I struggle with this.

Recently I had a moment where I felt like I was letting myself down. I realise in retrospect that it was over something small, but I honestly felt like I had disappointed myself. I strive to be a good person, and do the "right" thing but sometimes in doing so I set myself up for failure too.

There is no such thing as the "right" thing because what maybe right for you, could hurt someone else.

Everyone is hero in their own story, but yet, they maybe the villain in someone else's.

When something happens that I could have prevented, and it forces me to compromises my standards, naturally that makes me feel like shit.

Of course sometimes things are out of my control, which I cannot fix, but I can control how I react. In some ways, I let it get to me - which only does more harm than good, but the least I can do is dust myself off, and try my best to keep on going on.

A lesson to remember though is that you are not infallible. You are only human.

There are those instances too when we must violate our own promises and standard because life is never a matter of black and white, it is rather a series of experiences and interactions which makes us realise that sometimes we are living in the grey areas.

For example, you promised yourself that you would never cheat and that you hated everyone who cheated. Then out of nowhere came that instance where you found yourself in that situation; either because you got yourself there or because someone else lied to you and you suddenly found yourself in that predicament.

I have learned that while I do still think cheating is wrong, sometimes people screw up. It can be a one time thing, or it can be a issue that people have to work out within themselves but sometimes shit happens. Though, shit which gets caused by people themselves is an entirely other issue on it's own.

Also the instances of lying to those close to you because you know something - a truth that you have no right in revealing, that is going to come and hit them like wrecking ball, so all you can do is put on a brave face and prepare as you watch a unmovable wrecking ball about to damage them.

You feel like shit because there is nothing you can do, but you wait because you know that when that wrecking ball hits, you are going to need to be there for them.

No one wants to feel helpless, but sometimes things happen in such a way that you are struck helpless. Sometimes people need to help themselves because you can only do so much.

I was really interested in finding out what other people had to say on this matter, so I did.

"It feels like you've hit a new low," a colleague shared when asked how it feels when you let yourself down. One gentlemen, who overheard what I was writing about, gave some wisdom on the matter, "Chalk it up to experience. A learning curve - you can do better next time."



I was however, able to connect with this sentiment a female friend shared.

"It will be on my mind for weeks. I will think about the whole time, but then I will just end up disappointing myself... I will just have to deal with it and get over the initial pain afterwards."

Life forces you to adapt your standards and codes of conduct because life is life. You have to be malleable and adaptable because if you don't, then life will knock the shit out of you and beat you into submission.

BUT these are just moments that force us to realise that the line in the sand we drew for ourselves sometimes get washed away by the sea of life, we just have to be prepared to redraw them and repeatedly adjust.

Theo. Over and Out


PS- This blog post started out one way, and then it started taking a very different turn the more I started thinking about it. The reason for this was that I was all ready to say something and for it be a certain way, but the more I thought about it, and how life has affected me the more malleable I had to be.

It came down to a situation of idealism vs reality.

That aside, letting yourself down still sucks so try to be as true to you as you can be when you aren't stretching and adapting for life.

Update and Retrospect: The Douchebag Ex?

This is part of my update and retrospect series that I am randomly starting because I have been so busy that it feels like I am losing touch with my life and my emotions. This is more for my sanity than anything else really. Also it is a way to keep the people updated about how I am without giving them a generic answer. Often we all use copy and paste explanations because we are too lazy to articulate how we really feel.

I thought that I would start off with the thing that has affected me most, then I would get onto the rest. First up is this post, then work and then friends and then music or something random. Whatever floats my boat really. We shall see.

Break-up epiphanies

So because of my tendency to get all emotional and attached, I fell for my ex-boyfriend very quickly. (Yes, we dated for a little over a month, sue me. Was I in love? No, but I was on my way).

Recently however, I had an epiphany. My tendency to only want to see the good in people, results in me often idealising them and missing their flaws. The same thing happened with my relationship.

I have spoken about my ownership of fault in the relationship before but for a long time I felt like the break-up was more my fault than his, which I realise now is not true. To claim more fault is actually unfair to me.

The break-up was both our fault.

One of the flaws in our relationship, was that I wasn’t given the time I needed to adjust to a vital fact about him. This vital fact actually had a big impact on our relationship. I would be less vague and disclose what this fact is, but it’s not for me to share. He wouldn’t have a problem with it, but I feel like it is not my place.

That aside, this fact was an important factor in our relationship and I was on a steep learning curve of how to deal with this. It was unfair to me to not give me the right amount of time I needed to process.

I do realise that I should have taken the relationship slower and been more patient with him, but that aside, I deserved to be given some time to learn about this fact.

He pulled a douchebag move.

Now, I am not saying that he is a douchebag (even though I would be expected to), but he pulled a douchebag move. There's a difference - everybody pulls a douchebag move.

That was not the only douchebag move he pulled.

He then felt the need that in our break-up to say that I was emotionally manipulating him. This was one of the things that hurt the absolute most because it was a major insult to my character.

It was insulting because obviously he didn’t know me well enough.

I have seen how emotional manipulations looks, asking someone to not throw in the towel yet was not it.

For him to think I was emotionally manipulating him, when in actuality I was fighting for our relationship, was like he spat in my face. I have too much on my plate and things happening in my life to waste time manipulating people.

Another issue was that he really sucked at communication, and he used the “I am a scientist” excuse. I get that he was genius science boffin but that does not excuse him from being a human.

All I asked for was honesty about how he was feeling – even if it was not something I wanted to hear, then I still wanted him to tell me.

But he didn’t...

Except when he was breaking up with me – that was when I got quite a bit of honesty.

That aside, me calling him out on his douchebag moves does not mean that he is one.

From his perspective, he was trying to deal.

Sure he could’ve handled the situation better, but he was doing what he thought was best for him.

The factor in our relationship (that I mentioned above), was something that he was dealing with daily, and I guess that he didn’t want to feel like he was forcing me to deal with the issue. My problem was that I wanted to be there to help, but apparently my help wasn’t good enough.

The more I wanted to help, the more he didn’t want my help.

Also, I am guessing that he had no clue how to deal with someone who inherently is a more emotional person than him, and that scared him. I assume he felt overwhelmed.

I can also understand how from his perspective I could have been clingy...but if seeing someone every two weeks is clingy, then damn.

I feel like in the end, the only way he could get himself to break away was to hurt me enough so that I would want to let him go. It worked.

Issues aside, I appreciate the relationship we had.

He was a good guy, flawed (like me and everyone else in this world) but a good guy.

He was a lovely guy who made me laugh a lot. He has a deep love for tea, enjoys staring at the moon sometimes during the day because it is an awesome mindfuck. He has a great fondness for Harry Potter, loves sad poetry and the Universe at large.

He even likes this adorable little Red Panda. 

He was impressive below the belt too – not going to lie.

He made me smile every day and he was considerate (even getting me my own tin of coffee when he only drinks tea.)

Those are only a few of things that he did for me. He made me very happy in the short time we were together and that is something I will always remember and cherish.

He was lovely, and one day I hope that he makes someone very happy. All I want is from him to be happy.

That is all I want for everyone in life actually.

I have said this before, and I will say this again. I would sacrifice my happily-ever-after, if it meant that everyone else in the world had no more problems forever.

Is that unrealistic? Yes. Would I bitch and moan? Sure. Would it all be worth the sacrifice? Absolutely.

The world’s problems are greater than what I am, and if I could fix it forever? How could I not?

 

My relationship with my ex-boyfriend taught me a lot. One of the lessons was that I have to be mindful of the fact that when I like someone, I like them and not what they represent.

I feel like this is a issue that many people face, not just me but that sometimes we get caught up in what people represent and not focus on who they are as people. Be sure that when you are in a relationship or are starting something with someone, that you are doing it for them and not what role that you want them to fill.

That is not right or fair to them.

As for the ex-boyfriend - am I over him? I don’t know.

I went to "our" restaurant this past week and I wasn’t sad about being there, but I did hope that by some random serendipity that he would walk in. Lame right?

But maybe that is another lesson that I will learn, I will never really be over him but I just need to find a way to move on. Sometimes not everything resolves itself nicely.

There was equal blame in the end of our relationship and I made many mistakes too, but I am learning.

All I know is that my priority is taking each day as it comes, and I am enjoying it. Sure work is kicking my ass but I don’t mind (too much) because I have learned so much. I am exhausted and feel like I need to take a week off (which I will be doing soonish) but it is really rewarding.

I think work reaffirmed to me that I’ve always been the person who I thought I am. Sure I may not always know who that is, but for damn sake, I am only 22...er... almost 23.

"I am what I am... a natural disaster." - Shark Attack by Grouplove.

I try my best to be good person, and try to make everyone’s day a little better. Sometimes I get shy and get into my own bubble too much or on the reverse side get too excitable but otherwise I am trying my best.

We are all trying our best with the lives we were given.

Sometimes we need to cut ourselves a little slack.

Theolin. Over and Out.

PS - Devils Advocate: What if I am being the overly attached weirdo who can't let go because we only dated for over a month? No one wants to be that person. He has moved on as if nothing happened I think while I am...still trying. Maybe I am just overanalysing.

The Crying Game.

By now everyone knows that me and Bearded Lumberjack have made like a banana and split.

The first few days were rough but thankfully I have had work to distract me.

I am slowly moving on (and all that cliché break-up stuff) which is good for me but there is one thing that has me tripping balls.

I have not cried.

The reason why this is odd for me is because I tend to be a crier... a silent soundless crier... but a crier nonetheless.

Also, I think I cried more when we were together because of how emotionally invested I was:

1.       In one instance I cried because I was heart sore about something.

2.       In two other instances I cried when we were having a bonding moment.

---- I am an emotional guy okay. I think my emotional nature was why I managed to help out with an autism study actually so it’s not a bad thing I would like to think, but wearing my heart on my sleeve does come with many issues ----

This year –in fact, the last four months actually– has been one major learning experience after the other. They say you never really know yourself until you are faced with challenges and I have been learning a lot about myself, both good and bad.

Previously I wrote a whole blog post moping about not being able to fall for someone and all that angst related stuff that I said was not angst.

Well fast-forward to now and I’ve been through a relationship which only lasted a month.

Actually the one before this lasted two months – though I did see both of them about a handful of times, so clearly I am simultaneously getting better and worse at this relationship thing.

At the rate that I am going, my next relationship will last two weeks and I will have seen the person a handful of times too before we break-up.  I will laugh if that happens actually...not really, but somewhat.

ANYWAY, my weird humour and short-lived dating life aside, I must say that I have learned a lot from both relationships.

As much as it would be expected of me to bitch about the bearded lumberjack ex, this blog post isn’t about that because I am not that type of person. Bad mouthing the ex seems like a waste of energy to me especially when there is equal fault.

Basically, this post is specifically related to how difficult dating can be:

Honesty when Communicating

Honesty is important, like your relationship can sink or swim depending on this.

You need to be honest about how you are feeling but you also need to be sensitive about how you tell someone something. This is the dangerous dance that not everyone manages to get right.

Sure, being honest is hard, but lying helps no one. Added with that is the difficulty of trying to be honest while not hurting the feelings of the person you are dating.

It is so easy for things to be misconstrued so there needs to be a certain amount of tact when telling someone something.

Often times some people will tell you about the issues they are having with the relationship when it’s too late and then there is nothing you can do which will help or fix the situation.

Commitment

You have to be willing to stick it out and can’t be bailing after every fight or moment of anxiety about the relationship. Sure sometimes relationship do come to end but I make sure that I don’t regret not having done everything I could to prevent the relationship ending.

If I know that I have done that then I don’t feel too bad about the ways things turn out.

Life happens and sometimes something ends because there is something else further along the path where you need to be.

Timing:

Never start relationships weeks before they are about to write exams...

That is asking for trouble and it will only cause issues.

Also don’t rush it...I got too eager and invested too quickly and that in turn put pressure on both of us.

I made both of these mistakes and it ended poorly.

Letting it go

When all you want to do is hold them as close as possible, it is then that sometimes you just have to let them go.

Some people want to run away from happiness and commitment for various reasons, there is nothing you can do sometimes except just letting them be.

As long as you know that you tried your best to fight for the relationship, and you have no regrets about how things turned out, then all you have left to do is pull an Elsa and “Let it go”.

It’s never easy but there is nothing you can do about it.

I at least made an effort and the lumberjack just wasn’t interested and felt like I was being manipulative about wanting to get back together.

I was insulted by that sentiment because it made it seem like all I was concerned was about my feelings and what I wanted, but I had to learn to let it go.

We were both left hurt and frustrated but getting uptight now helps no one- we just have to deal.

We are all doing the best with the life we were given...sometimes you hold on for dear life, other times you need to let go.

That is just how the cookie crumbles.

Homosexuality:

This is not exactly something that can be avoided in my case but a consequence of coming out late is that while your heterosexual friends get to play the field and learn about stuff, you only get to start playing catch up and learning the rules.

Basically what this means is that I have only recently been learning the in and outs of dating...and boy is it hard.

It is not easy... it’s a steep learning curve that nothing can prepare you for.

Conclusion:

Obviously given my poor track record, I think that it is a given that I am going to be single for a while. I don’t have the emotional energy (nor am I ready) to start something new. I need to focus on me and make me a better person.

Maybe I am just a date one person a year kinda guy? Who knows? But clearly if we are going according to that statistic, then my quota has been filled for now and I will just wait until 2016 or beyond.

Title: The name of this blog post was titled “The Dating Game” but I changed it to “The Crying Game” because of a song that a friend from school (Rachel) suggested I listen to.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS - I also feel that my creative writing will be all the better for it too. I don’t write fiction as much as what I would like, but when I do, it makes me happy.

April in Review: “Trying to be a Journalist”

March was all about new experiences because I started my first ever job.

April has been pretty much the same...

BUT April was more about feeling extremely out of my depth and feeling more incompetent than anything really.

Part One: “Why am I so useless?”

After working extremely hard at the Jazz Festival, we pretty much jumped into the new month by being assigned to spend two weeks in the newsroom and work on our writing skills.

If there was ever a time to be thrown into the deep end it was during this time.

With the Jazz fest I could at least take comfort in the fact that there were other people equally feeling out of their depth and having no clue what we were doing but we were all stuck in the same boat, doing the best we could.

The newsroom was nothing like that because I was on my own.

If there is a ever a time to feel useless and like you’re incompetent spend some time in a newsroom where you are a stranger at your desk trying to make yourself useful while trying to not be in the way of experienced reporters.

I was assigned to the newsroom of The Daily Voice when my Cape Mojo team started time in the newspapers started.

The Daily Voice often gets given this label as not being a hard hitting newspaper because they deal with stuff that comes across as silly and deemed not newsworthy. I am aware the publication is labelled as a "tabloid" but that doesn't mean that there isn't anything of importance and value in the paper that the hard hitting newspapers do. The only difference is the angles taken in their stories.

The Daily Voice go out on stories that people within the Cape Flats are interested in and also want to read about. If a newspaper is meant to connect with its target market and inform them about what’s happening in their areas then The Daily Voice is doing exactly what it should it.

It  was recently revealed in AMPS figures (which is a big fancy group that does a survey on readership) that in the second half of 2014, the Daily Voice readership grew from 468 000 daily readers to 516 000.

In climate where newspapers are battling against the internet, that is very impressive.

I can really say that I learned a lot about my time at the newspaper.

Newspapers don’t just appear every morning magically created for your consumption, in fact journalists go out the day before either on stories that they were assigned by their editor or, what is often the case, they go out on stories they’ve been informed about from contacts and people who shared the information with them.

They scout out information about their stories and then once they think there is enough they go out in search of what the true story is, from all the relevant sources.

A super funny reporter I sat opposite.

This can be quite a laborious process and sometimes things don’t always go your way but you do the best you can.

Part Two: “What to do when opportunity knocks?”

I had been shadowing the reporters for about a day when an opportunity for me to write my first article came up.

It wasn’t that a story was assigned to me or anything, it happened because I took a chance.

This is just my version of how I remembered it happening:

Journalist: 

“I still have to file both these stories when I get back to the office.”

Me:                       

(Nervously)

 “Uhm...I can help...uhm... if you want. I’ll write one and you can write another if you want?”

Photographer:

(Jokingly)

“Hey don’t come and try to steal food from [journalist’s] mouth, freelancers don’t a set salary like you. They get paid per article.”

Me:

“Oh sorry, of course I don’t mean to do that –laughs awkwardly- I just thought that I could help with the workload.”

Journalist: 

“We can share the byline.”

Photographer:

“Can you? Do you still get your normal rate?”

Journalist:

“I still get my normal rate whenever I share a byline with [another journalist] so it’s fine. Which one do you want to do?”

Me:

“I feel more confident doing the first story the first one we went out on so I can do that?”

Journalist:

“That’s fine. You can do the first then just send it to me when you’re done so I can have a look over it?”

Me:

“Thanks.”

And that was basically how it happened.

I took the chance of speaking up and saying,” I don’t mind helping; I can do it” and that was how I landed my first byline.

As soon as we got back to the office I had to write my article and while I had all my notes, I had no clue how I was going to do it.

Eventually I typed down what I had into a coherent sentence which then into paragraphs and it led to a completed story.

Part Three: “Who does the editing?”

Once done, I emailed what I had to the journalist and sat beside them as they make hectic revisions, learning about the newspaper’s style in the process:

1.       The fact that they prefer to have more quotes of what the people actually said instead of you telling the reader what they said. I quickly learned to write fast and take down what some said. I would come to use my phone as a recorder because that just helps you so much to get down what someone says verbatim.

2.       Framing the story in a particular way, meaning that instead of having one angle, you use another.

3.       Getting a comment from the official organisation/people to add in another side to the story.

4.       Making sure you have the correct spelling of things – Sidenote, this is vitally important you have to make sure you get someone’s name and surname spelt exactly correct, make sure you get where they are from and also their age.

5.       A journalist’s note taking skills have is where your credibility can live or die. If someone wants to sue you, you’re note taking could be the very thing that saves you.

The edit the journalist did helped a lot, and while my original story changed a lot to the one they sent to the editor my name still remained in the byline because I had contributed to the story.

I thought that what I had ended up contributing was a waste but the journalist thanked me because I helped save them a lot of time. So our article was then emailed to the editor.

Interesting to note that the article that appeared in paper had also undergone significant edits to it as well but there was also quite a large chunk of what we did and in the end we received our shared byline.

One that would be my first.

Part Four: “When? Now??”

Sure some see a solo byline as their first, but I see the shared one as my first because it taught me so much and helped me when I finally wrote my first solo byline which funny enough came the following week.

I arrived early in the office because it was just something I did. I could have arrived late because everyone only got into the office between 09:20 and 11:00. I was in by 08:40 so I just read the papers and tried be aware of what was happening.

One this particular morning, a photographer came in and he was about 5 minutes in the office when 

he came up to me and said.

Photographer:

“I heard Tony Yengeni was making an appearance in the magistrate court today and no other journalist is in. I’m not sure if it’s something the paper would be interested in but I say we take a chance and go? If we wait too long then the story could be over already, it could be over already, but at least let’s go see.”

Me:

“Uhm, okay.”

Now while that response seems calm, my mind was racing at a mile a minute.

I had no clue what I was doing, no clue of what I was going to do when I got at the court and no clue of how I would get the story but adrenalin and nerves were rushing through my body so I just went along.

As we made our way to the magistrate court, the photographer was giving me a crash course in court reporting:

1.       Make sure you nod to the judge as you enter. This is very important.

2.       Sometimes things might be confusing if you’re arriving late so don’t be scared to ask fellow journalists what is happening.

3.       Put your phone off or keep it on silent because you can be in deep shit if they catch you recording anything.

4.       All the information is in the court, you just need to know the correct places to go find it.

And he explained more stuff which I have forgotten because I was like “oh my fuck, this is happening.”

So we get to the court and then he says well go for it.

I’m like “oh okay, shit.”

I then rush inside only to see “oh damn I had to hand in everything” so I dash back drop my bag and only keep my wallet, phone, pen and notebook on me as I have to dash to courtroom 16 –which we learned from another journalist outside.

I got in and as the security guard is patting me down, and he feels a tag (which I forgot to take off). I explain it’s my UCT tag and then he starts a chat about the fact that I went to UCT. It was great but his timing sucked.

I got inside and then I had to find my way.

I turned down a passage and then got the vibe I was going the wrong way, I turned back and stopped at a security desk asking which way I had to go to get to the Tony Yengeni court case. She directed me down the alley, and as I enter I see a throng of people coming my way surrounding someone.

I had no clue what Tony Yengeni looked like, well in my subconscious I probably did but in my conscious mind I had no clue. I turned back and followed the people because my gut was all go with them.

I exited the court with all the journalists and I was about to follow the man who I thought to be Mr Yengeni but the reporters were by his lawyer so I just stuck with them.

I knew there was no way I was going to catch all the information as quickly so I immediately did the only thing I could think to do and just pulled out my phone started recording everything.

The fact that I did that earned me my first solo byline.

The other reporters asked questions and I made sure to catch everything while I was totally confused because they were using lawyer terminology I just recorded everything.

The lawyer finished and I had no clue what his name was so I asked one of the other reporters who told me his name and that was it.

In 10 minutes everything was done.

The photographer took his picture and so we just went back to the office.

My editor hadn’t been in for two days and I now had a story with which I had no clue what to do with. The editor of the paper was in and so I summoned the courage to make myself known to him and tell him what I had.

He said okay and that I should write him a short piece on it.

I then got down to listening to the recording transcribing everything while opening a million tabs on Google Chrome so I could research more about the story (something which would have helped had I had the time to do it before hand but I didn’t).

After that I remembered, I had no clue what the editor meant by “short piece” so after I asked him he said 200-220 words.

After that I got to it and finished my story within an hour and 15 minutes making sure I had everything I needed. Understanding everything that the lawyer spoke and getting input from another journalist to frame the article in an interesting way.

That was it.

My story got filed and appeared in the paper.

All because I happened to be in the office early and was the only one there that by pure coincidence I managed to land my first solo byline.

Part 5: “Where am I now?”

The rest of my time at the paper had my shadowing reporters and even writing two other articles when the opportunities presented themselves.

It was a great experience and taught me so much. I had made a few mistakes and made sure to learn from them, but it was a experience that forced me to go out of my comfort zone.

If there has been anything that this month has taught me it’s that I have to embrace the awkward moments.

My job is filled with them- attending the funeral of someone I never knew or met, asking strangers questions and for their names and ages, getting into awkward places (like kneeling in front of people to hold a microphone, and sometimes that people may be the Mayor of Cape Town) and many other awkward instances that will continued to happen.

My only next thing to learn is to not give a shit about them.

That doesn’t mean I won’t be respectful and treat some situations carefully, but I just need to focus on doing my job.

I am only two months into being a journalist and it’s been like climbing a Kilimanjaro without any preparation, but that aside, everything I have been doing is preparing me to become better equip to be not just a journalist but a good one too.

If I’m being honest, I feel like I could have done more while I spent time at the news papers. As I look back at the time I’m still not entirely sure how I could’ve done that, but I feel like I could have done more.

I also feel like I need to rediscover how to be curious.

I used to be a very curious kid and want to know what was happening but I was raised that being nosy about other people’s business was wrong. Now I feel like I have found the curious person again, he is still there because I still feel glimpses of him peeking through whenever something exciting happens.

I just need to allow him to come out more. (Yes, I’m speaking about aspects of myself in third person, it happens)

As a journalist, a skill you need is to be able to ask the right questions.

An important lesson I learned at University and The Daily Voice is that you need to remember your 5W’s and H:

1.       Why?

2.       What?

3.       Who?

4.       When?

5.       Where?

6.       How?

These will do really help and they exist for a reason*. Sometimes sticking to these will lead you to a story that could give you the edge.

Part 6:  How to Mojo...

After finishing my time at the papers, I rejoined the Mojo (Mobile Journalism) group of the company and it was more difficult that it needed to be.

I would pop in and check in on my fellow colleagues while we spent time at the paper but someone our two weeks apart had left us feeling disjointed.

Maybe it was the fact that we had just clicked with each other when we had so many other people join us for jazz fest and we had to learn how to work with strangers and not get so much time together with each other; then we had two weeks apart which just left us to do our own thing but either way, coming together again felt weird and we were out of sync with each other.

A week has passed and I feel like we’re good again. We are getting back to where we were with each other and getting familiar with one another again but such is life, sometimes things can take a while.

A video I helped put together...

The fact that we were out of sync with each other made me feel a bit weird and uncomfortable too but sometimes you just have to have a word with yourself in the mirror and “pull yourself towards yourself”.

I am excited for what the next few months hold ahead for us.

If the past two months are indicative of anything it is that expect the unexpected and that life will had you unexpected moments that lead to wonderful experiences so don’t be scared to step out of your comfort zone because that is really where the magic happens.

Now if only I could remember that...

Theo. Over and Out.

*PS  - The order is wrong on that but on purpose because I wanted it to match the sections of the blog post. (><)

Also in case you are wondering since I removed the journalist’s name from the byline in the pic, I am very grateful to the journalist because the person is really so so lovely, but I removed it because of the story that I explained from my perspective. 

Being the poor friend...

So I’ve wanted to write this post for quite some time but was very apprehensive because discussing personal finances is a very sensitive issue. Sure, it is something that we deal with every day but it’s just not something we really discuss...

I was having a Whatsapp conversation with a new friend of mine, and it was because of that chat that I finally found a way to write about this topic (thanks DDR, super amped you’re getting married by the way).

The financial gap between all of the various social classes continues to be quite large, and growing, but unfortunately that is something not only happening in South Africa; it is something that is happening all over the world.

We live in an age where the rich people are getting richer, the poor people are getting poorer and the middle class people continue to struggle in their attempt to make ends meet.

I wanted to speak about this in a way that hits a little closer to home for me though – being the poor friend in your group of friends.

Sometimes life happens. Circumstances that are out of your control result in you being the least financially stable friend.  Your friends don’t intend to make you self-aware of the fact that you are the poor friend but it’s just something you pick up on.

Being the poor friend is extremely shit...and I know this because I am THAT friend.

Before I really get into this, let me just say that none of my friends are wealthy.  Some are better off than others, but we are all suffering under the high price of living.

I have been very fortunate to have friends in my life who are accommodating and understanding of the fact that I oftentimes don’t have the money to go out as often as I, or they, would like.

I owe them a great deal and shall one day make it up to them - buying my best friend a house (if I’m making millions and it doesn’t bankrupt me), chocolates and treating the others for meals when I’m finally earning a steady income; but until that glorious day arrives, my poor friend status is still in check.

So the most obvious question is that since I’m the poor friend, why haven’t I done something about it?

Well mainly because I was studying (doing a triple major actually) and I was already struggling to find a balance with my studies. I almost bombed out in second year of varsity because I felt so overwhelmed. I could’ve have got a job in the holidays but I was required to fill the role of babysitter looking after my youngest brother whenever it was needed. 

When you come from a single parent household who has to provide for three kids on one salary and still pay for university fees (I was on financial aid but that only covered a portion of it) it often became very exhausting and overwhelming for my mother. Money was tight, and so to save on paying for crèche fees, I chipped in to look after my brothers whenever I could.

In some ways, I think, it was why I have been late to reach certain landmarks – not having my driver’s licence for example, because it was R200 that had to be paid to take the damn test; never mind the driving lessons fee. All I kept thinking was “that’s X number of breads, X many litres of milk, X days of bus fair and X amount of electricity units”.

Being neurotic has made overtly aware of being the poor friend, and because of this, there have been times when I was invited out with my friends and I would lie about my availability.

An excuse such as “I’m not feeling well” or creating some illness to avoid going out with them was something I would often do... I sometimes still do that, but more because I hate the fact that my friends have to cover my part of the bill sometimes. If I have money then I’ll gladly pay my part of the bill or chip in with tip or pay the car park fee but those days come around about as often as a blue moon.

You try your best to make it all the parties/birthdays/dinners that they invite you to, because these are people who you’d give a kidney for; but still there are times you have no money so you do the only thing you can - decline their company.

When declining their company often enough, you feel bad about it; but there is nothing you can do except settle in and watch TV series in your pyjamas.

I know that I’m not the only one to have experienced being the poor friend, which is why I felt so strongly about writing this. I just want to specify that being the poor friend doesn’t mean you are the bum of the group. The bum of the group is usually the person who can afford to pay for stuff but is just too cheapskate to add their part.

No one likes that friend.

I am very grateful for the fact that my friends have been so patient and understanding. I have on many occasions had heart-to-heart conversations about this issue with them and they just make me want to cry because they’re like “it’s cool”, “we understand” and “stop stressing so much”.

They don’t make a thing about it, and that fact just causes a lump in my throat.

I’m very lucky to have people in my life who love me as much as they do because it can only be an act of true love to put up with me – and not just the parts of me they like.

One day when I find myself in a steady job, earning a lot of money (shh let me believe this fantasy), I look forward to being able to make it up to all my really awesome true friends for all the stuff they’ve put up with.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS – To all my friends who have stuck with me during the hard times and been there for me, I love you lots like jelly tots. 

What to do when crushing on someone taken?

My friend and I had a great debate about this topic as we were watching an episode of a TV show. We got onto arguing, “What do you do when you have feelings for someone taken?”

We weren’t talking about being vindictive and going after someone already in a committed relationship with the sole intent of breaking them up because that is really disgusting behaviour. We were specifically referring to that situation where you find yourself unintentionally having feelings for someone, and now have to figure out what to do.

He argued that you should tell them:

“Because why not tell them? Why should you hide your feelings? Essentially, it’s still their choice what to do with the information. If you tell them you're into them, they still get to decide whether they want to stay with their partner or not. You're not forcing them to leave their partner for you; you're just providing them a choice. And if they love their partner, then their choice is simple. Isn't denying them the right to choose more selfish? Haven't you, by not telling them, made their decision for them? I think that's what's selfish.”

His point above is pretty self-explanatory but it all comes down to the fact that - you should give them the decision of what to do. If they are happy in their relationship, then they would be flattered by your feelings for them but politely reject you. You should be honest and not keep how you feel a secret; once you know how they feel and then you go from there.

I argued that it was selfish to tell someone as your main motive for telling them would be to make yourself feel better. You are putting another person in a precarious and awkward situation because you could not keep your feelings to yourself. This is someone who is already taken and is off the market, but you just had to tell them how you feel??? For what? Sure you didn’t intend on developing feelings for this person, but telling them accomplishes nothing.

I maintain that telling someone who is already taken about your feelings is not a good idea. It could also be seen as making a move on someone else’s relationship, and then when the significant other finds out, it will likely cause immense emotional harm.

Telling them only does more harm than good.

I decided to write about this because I felt it was a pertinent topic of discussion given that it is that time of year where people feel brave enough to confess their feelings and focus on all the Valentine’s Day stuff.

I posed this question to a few of my friends and these were some of their responses:

Lara: “It’s okay to tell someone who you have known for a long time. You shouldn’t do it if you barely know them, but if you’ve known someone for a really long time then you should tell them how you feel.”

Sam: “If you can see that they are happy together then don’t do it. You don’t want to be the reason their happiness is destroyed. You will feel terrible if you do.”

Alastair: “I say you should tell them if you know that the secret [of not telling them] will cause you both to have more problems than what the truth might bring.”

Chelsea: “Tell them if they’ve been in your life for a while and you know they will still respect you if you tell them. Don’t tell them if you can see they’re happy with their partner and the news will just destroy something really good that they have. It’s a difficult situation to be in though and you can’t avoid choosing between selflessness and selfishness but I would say that those are good guidelines for deciding what to do. Always assess the potential damage before you admit something like that.”

Something struck me about what Chelsea said because you are essentially trying to decide between being selfless and selfish. No one wants to come across as selfish, but you also want to be true to yourself. You should definitely assess the potential damage because it does not only impact you, but has a ripple effect.

Either way, it’s definitely a sticky situation where there is no right way to handle it. More a case of “to each their own” - you have to decide for yourself what to do.

For me, I’d zip my mouth, lock it tight, put a padlock on and throw away the key.

Theo. Over and Out.

Don’t let your neurotic tendencies stop you...

I wring my hands thinking, “Should I? What if I make a mistake? It might end well but I’m not sure? Why do I keep doing this to myself?” and every other thought I overanalyse whenever something significant happens or there is a decision looms over my head.

Such are the perks of having neurotic tendencies.

Having a certain level of contemplation and being occasionally neurotic is a totally acceptable part of being human, but often the problem arises once that level of contemplation or neuroticism becomes excessive and even affects our daily lives.

Once I had a conversation with my friend about is the fact that we’re both over-thinkers:

Her: “Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you were never at war with your mind? I think about it all the time... How I'd be such a different person if I wasn't so involved in my own mind."

Me: “All the time! I think life would be so much more engaging and effortless without the emotionally taxing baggage that comes with battling with my own mind! Like decisions would never be analysed to the nth degree.”

Her: “Right? I get so resentful sometimes because some people have it so easy... And we didn't ask to have overactive brains, they just happened. I wonder how neurotic people get into normal relationships with normal people. It seems sort of impossible. It’s like an evolutionary block put in place to help lower the amount of humans in the world.”

It can be the most frustrating thing to want to do something, but then thinking about it to such a degree that you ended up doing nothing or doing something about it too late.

Having neurotic tendencies often leads to so much time being wasted when thinking about a situation instead of actually making a decision about it; this becomes problematic especially if you allow opportunities to pass you by because you were thinking about the ramifications too much.

We’ve all been there in that situation- either romantic, academic or professional – where we’ve been presented with a opportunity that could have such a vast impact on our lives but instead of making a decision about the opportunity, we choose to obsess over it and think about in every single way through different perspectives for so long that by the time we reach a conclusion, the opportunity is gone.

When you realise that you have feelings for your friend but you spend so much time thinking about how they would react that you may miss your chance to say something allowing them to date someone else, or you are contemplating making a professional change to something you love but scared of the repercussions it might have so you do nothing.

I recently graduated and this fact has been looming largely over me because all I’m thinking about is “I need to get a job” or “what if I get nothing and become a bum, I’d be such a failure” or “Why is everyone else succeeding and I’m wasting my life”; these are just an example of the daily thoughts I experience.

I had to tell myself to stop and that it’s okay to take a moment to reflect on the situation. I told myself that as long as I keep putting in the hard work then everything will work out the way it is supposed to. It’s okay to go through the occasional dry patch.

Don’t let being neurotic stop you from living your life. Try to be present in the moment and take a risk on something that might or might not work out, instead of not doing anything at all. Sometimes making an impromptu decision you haven’t overanalysed could lead to unexpected and great things.