Why am I not enough?

Staring into your eyes,
your sideways glance gives away everything.
Your silence speaks.

I see you retreating,

nonchalant, complacent, unaffected.

How dare you disturb our universe?

Between two extremes;
Leaves just pain, heartache, 

tears.

I want to be mad
and I can not.

We had planted seeds in our garden of love. 

Now I have only me,
and a thought that plagues me:
Why couldn’t I be enough?

Why couldn’t my love
be enough?

Why am I not enough?

Update and Retrospect: The Douchebag Ex?

This is part of my update and retrospect series that I am randomly starting because I have been so busy that it feels like I am losing touch with my life and my emotions. This is more for my sanity than anything else really. Also it is a way to keep the people updated about how I am without giving them a generic answer. Often we all use copy and paste explanations because we are too lazy to articulate how we really feel.

I thought that I would start off with the thing that has affected me most, then I would get onto the rest. First up is this post, then work and then friends and then music or something random. Whatever floats my boat really. We shall see.

Break-up epiphanies

So because of my tendency to get all emotional and attached, I fell for my ex-boyfriend very quickly. (Yes, we dated for a little over a month, sue me. Was I in love? No, but I was on my way).

Recently however, I had an epiphany. My tendency to only want to see the good in people, results in me often idealising them and missing their flaws. The same thing happened with my relationship.

I have spoken about my ownership of fault in the relationship before but for a long time I felt like the break-up was more my fault than his, which I realise now is not true. To claim more fault is actually unfair to me.

The break-up was both our fault.

One of the flaws in our relationship, was that I wasn’t given the time I needed to adjust to a vital fact about him. This vital fact actually had a big impact on our relationship. I would be less vague and disclose what this fact is, but it’s not for me to share. He wouldn’t have a problem with it, but I feel like it is not my place.

That aside, this fact was an important factor in our relationship and I was on a steep learning curve of how to deal with this. It was unfair to me to not give me the right amount of time I needed to process.

I do realise that I should have taken the relationship slower and been more patient with him, but that aside, I deserved to be given some time to learn about this fact.

He pulled a douchebag move.

Now, I am not saying that he is a douchebag (even though I would be expected to), but he pulled a douchebag move. There's a difference - everybody pulls a douchebag move.

That was not the only douchebag move he pulled.

He then felt the need that in our break-up to say that I was emotionally manipulating him. This was one of the things that hurt the absolute most because it was a major insult to my character.

It was insulting because obviously he didn’t know me well enough.

I have seen how emotional manipulations looks, asking someone to not throw in the towel yet was not it.

For him to think I was emotionally manipulating him, when in actuality I was fighting for our relationship, was like he spat in my face. I have too much on my plate and things happening in my life to waste time manipulating people.

Another issue was that he really sucked at communication, and he used the “I am a scientist” excuse. I get that he was genius science boffin but that does not excuse him from being a human.

All I asked for was honesty about how he was feeling – even if it was not something I wanted to hear, then I still wanted him to tell me.

But he didn’t...

Except when he was breaking up with me – that was when I got quite a bit of honesty.

That aside, me calling him out on his douchebag moves does not mean that he is one.

From his perspective, he was trying to deal.

Sure he could’ve handled the situation better, but he was doing what he thought was best for him.

The factor in our relationship (that I mentioned above), was something that he was dealing with daily, and I guess that he didn’t want to feel like he was forcing me to deal with the issue. My problem was that I wanted to be there to help, but apparently my help wasn’t good enough.

The more I wanted to help, the more he didn’t want my help.

Also, I am guessing that he had no clue how to deal with someone who inherently is a more emotional person than him, and that scared him. I assume he felt overwhelmed.

I can also understand how from his perspective I could have been clingy...but if seeing someone every two weeks is clingy, then damn.

I feel like in the end, the only way he could get himself to break away was to hurt me enough so that I would want to let him go. It worked.

Issues aside, I appreciate the relationship we had.

He was a good guy, flawed (like me and everyone else in this world) but a good guy.

He was a lovely guy who made me laugh a lot. He has a deep love for tea, enjoys staring at the moon sometimes during the day because it is an awesome mindfuck. He has a great fondness for Harry Potter, loves sad poetry and the Universe at large.

He even likes this adorable little Red Panda. 

He was impressive below the belt too – not going to lie.

He made me smile every day and he was considerate (even getting me my own tin of coffee when he only drinks tea.)

Those are only a few of things that he did for me. He made me very happy in the short time we were together and that is something I will always remember and cherish.

He was lovely, and one day I hope that he makes someone very happy. All I want is from him to be happy.

That is all I want for everyone in life actually.

I have said this before, and I will say this again. I would sacrifice my happily-ever-after, if it meant that everyone else in the world had no more problems forever.

Is that unrealistic? Yes. Would I bitch and moan? Sure. Would it all be worth the sacrifice? Absolutely.

The world’s problems are greater than what I am, and if I could fix it forever? How could I not?

 

My relationship with my ex-boyfriend taught me a lot. One of the lessons was that I have to be mindful of the fact that when I like someone, I like them and not what they represent.

I feel like this is a issue that many people face, not just me but that sometimes we get caught up in what people represent and not focus on who they are as people. Be sure that when you are in a relationship or are starting something with someone, that you are doing it for them and not what role that you want them to fill.

That is not right or fair to them.

As for the ex-boyfriend - am I over him? I don’t know.

I went to "our" restaurant this past week and I wasn’t sad about being there, but I did hope that by some random serendipity that he would walk in. Lame right?

But maybe that is another lesson that I will learn, I will never really be over him but I just need to find a way to move on. Sometimes not everything resolves itself nicely.

There was equal blame in the end of our relationship and I made many mistakes too, but I am learning.

All I know is that my priority is taking each day as it comes, and I am enjoying it. Sure work is kicking my ass but I don’t mind (too much) because I have learned so much. I am exhausted and feel like I need to take a week off (which I will be doing soonish) but it is really rewarding.

I think work reaffirmed to me that I’ve always been the person who I thought I am. Sure I may not always know who that is, but for damn sake, I am only 22...er... almost 23.

"I am what I am... a natural disaster." - Shark Attack by Grouplove.

I try my best to be good person, and try to make everyone’s day a little better. Sometimes I get shy and get into my own bubble too much or on the reverse side get too excitable but otherwise I am trying my best.

We are all trying our best with the lives we were given.

Sometimes we need to cut ourselves a little slack.

Theolin. Over and Out.

PS - Devils Advocate: What if I am being the overly attached weirdo who can't let go because we only dated for over a month? No one wants to be that person. He has moved on as if nothing happened I think while I am...still trying. Maybe I am just overanalysing.

What to do when crushing on someone taken?

My friend and I had a great debate about this topic as we were watching an episode of a TV show. We got onto arguing, “What do you do when you have feelings for someone taken?”

We weren’t talking about being vindictive and going after someone already in a committed relationship with the sole intent of breaking them up because that is really disgusting behaviour. We were specifically referring to that situation where you find yourself unintentionally having feelings for someone, and now have to figure out what to do.

He argued that you should tell them:

“Because why not tell them? Why should you hide your feelings? Essentially, it’s still their choice what to do with the information. If you tell them you're into them, they still get to decide whether they want to stay with their partner or not. You're not forcing them to leave their partner for you; you're just providing them a choice. And if they love their partner, then their choice is simple. Isn't denying them the right to choose more selfish? Haven't you, by not telling them, made their decision for them? I think that's what's selfish.”

His point above is pretty self-explanatory but it all comes down to the fact that - you should give them the decision of what to do. If they are happy in their relationship, then they would be flattered by your feelings for them but politely reject you. You should be honest and not keep how you feel a secret; once you know how they feel and then you go from there.

I argued that it was selfish to tell someone as your main motive for telling them would be to make yourself feel better. You are putting another person in a precarious and awkward situation because you could not keep your feelings to yourself. This is someone who is already taken and is off the market, but you just had to tell them how you feel??? For what? Sure you didn’t intend on developing feelings for this person, but telling them accomplishes nothing.

I maintain that telling someone who is already taken about your feelings is not a good idea. It could also be seen as making a move on someone else’s relationship, and then when the significant other finds out, it will likely cause immense emotional harm.

Telling them only does more harm than good.

I decided to write about this because I felt it was a pertinent topic of discussion given that it is that time of year where people feel brave enough to confess their feelings and focus on all the Valentine’s Day stuff.

I posed this question to a few of my friends and these were some of their responses:

Lara: “It’s okay to tell someone who you have known for a long time. You shouldn’t do it if you barely know them, but if you’ve known someone for a really long time then you should tell them how you feel.”

Sam: “If you can see that they are happy together then don’t do it. You don’t want to be the reason their happiness is destroyed. You will feel terrible if you do.”

Alastair: “I say you should tell them if you know that the secret [of not telling them] will cause you both to have more problems than what the truth might bring.”

Chelsea: “Tell them if they’ve been in your life for a while and you know they will still respect you if you tell them. Don’t tell them if you can see they’re happy with their partner and the news will just destroy something really good that they have. It’s a difficult situation to be in though and you can’t avoid choosing between selflessness and selfishness but I would say that those are good guidelines for deciding what to do. Always assess the potential damage before you admit something like that.”

Something struck me about what Chelsea said because you are essentially trying to decide between being selfless and selfish. No one wants to come across as selfish, but you also want to be true to yourself. You should definitely assess the potential damage because it does not only impact you, but has a ripple effect.

Either way, it’s definitely a sticky situation where there is no right way to handle it. More a case of “to each their own” - you have to decide for yourself what to do.

For me, I’d zip my mouth, lock it tight, put a padlock on and throw away the key.

Theo. Over and Out.

The Vanishing Love

“Hi Joe,” James said to his partner over the phone, “I’m unfortunately running late, just leaving the office now.”

“Okay love,” Joe replied, “don’t take too long. We are having your mom over for dinner.”

“Will try my best,” James responded. “Bye, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Joe said ending the conversation.

Joe thought that he had ended another typical conversation with his partner over the phone, but what Joe had yet to discover was that nothing would be typical again.

James had gotten into a car crash on the way home and had to be rushed to the hospital. James’ mother, Mary, had already been at the couple’s home when they got the call about his accident. Joe and Mary had to rush to the hospital as quickly as they could, calling brothers, sisters, friends and parents along the way to let them know what had happened. Everyone was rushing to the hospital in hope that the news that awaited them was nothing horrific.

When Joe and Mary arrived at the hospital they had no idea where to go and were trying their best to remain calm- not letting their minds wander to negative thoughts. The twenty minutes it took for a doctor to find them in the waiting room, had felt like hours. James’ brother Edwin, along with Joe’s sister Ashley, their best friend Matthew and his wife Kimberly were all waiting alongside Joe and Mary when a doctor finally showed up to inform them that James had sustained a head injury. She said that they would be unable to know how extensive the damage was until he regained consciousness.

They eventually got the opportunity to see James and to their surprise they found him awake in the room. Dr Martin had been under the impression that James was unconscious when she informed them about his condition, so she was just as surprised to discover him awake.

She was ready to send them back to the waiting room, so that she could properly make her prognosis but James insisted for a few minutes with his friends and family. They reached a compromise and soon enough, she was ready to inform them about her prognosis.

“James had sustained a head injury and usually these cases have an unpleasant outcome but he was very fortunate. From what I have seen he remembers all the relevant things like who he is, where we are and who’s president. I just have to perform one last memory test then once that’s completed we’ll know where we stand.”

Dr Martin went around pointing to each person and asking James who they were and random additional information about them. It appeared that everything had turned out alright until she had asked James if he knew who the man next to his bed was.

“Do you know who he is?” Dr Martin asked indicating to Joe.

“He’s Joseph,” James replied. Joe couldn’t help but smile broadly at hearing his partner utter his full name since he’d always just called him Joe.

“We met 3 years ago,” James continued.

It was ultimately that sentence which caused everyone in the room to that notice something was off.

“James we’ve known each other for 6 years,” Joe corrected.

Dr Martin sensed that she had made a mistake by not asking James what year it was, and swiftly tried to rectify it immediately.

“James,” she started, “what year is it?”

“2012,” he said.

Joe’s heart broke instantly.

That was the year that everything had changed; James broke off his engagement with Monique, and came out of the closet and had their first kiss in June.

It was that very kiss that led to the start of their relationship.

“Where’s Monique?” he asked, looking around his bed, “I hope this doesn’t delay the wedding.”

As if every word was another nail in the coffin of their relationship, James continued speaking without an inkling that he was deeply hurting someone who loved him with their whole heart.

“But James honey,” his mother Mary started, “you’ve been with Joe for the past three years? Surely you must remember that?”

“What do mean been me and him?” James said.

“Together,” Edwin said, “you are the most in love couple I know. It gets annoying sometimes actually.”

“Stop talking shit, Joseph and I aren’t fucking faggots,” James laughed as everyone else winced at the slur. “It would be like saying Ed here was married. That’s never going to happen...”

“But I am married,” Edwin replied, showing him the wedding band around his hand.

All Joseph could do was stand and watch as the last three years of his relationship had vanished into thin air. The James he had fallen in love with had yet to materialise and making peace with that fact was especially hard for him considering the main reason for tonight’s dinner was so that he could propose. He had already asked Mary for her permission to marry her son and she had given it eagerly saying, “It was long overdue.”

She had been at their place to help him recreate their first date, but that was all pointless now.

“I’m going to get some air,” Joseph choked out, holding back the tears. “Give you all some time to yourself.”

Joseph felt like he could not breathe. The walls were closing in and it all was all overwhelming for him.

He never thought this would happen to him but now that it did, it changed his world. In the course of a day the life he envisioned, the love he had shared- all gone. He did not know what would happen but with all the thoughts banging around his head, he needed to get outside.

When Mary came to check on Joseph, she wasn’t surprised to see the young man leaning against the wall; the moon illuminating his tear soaked face as he clutched onto a small black box in his hands. Joseph never knew that such a small box could weigh so much.

He kept staring at the box; the love it was meant to represent now null and void.

He suddenly felt arms wrap around him, pulling him into a tight hug. He recognised who it was by the smell of her rose scented perfume. He couldn’t help but further break underneath her grasp, involuntarily releasing sobs of pain as he now had to put together a life without the man he loved. Joe loved James with every fibre of his being and James loved Joe just as equally too... or at least had loved him. Their relationship had its challenges but they always got past them. This time Joseph wasn’t so sure they would make it at all...