The Crying Game.

By now everyone knows that me and Bearded Lumberjack have made like a banana and split.

The first few days were rough but thankfully I have had work to distract me.

I am slowly moving on (and all that cliché break-up stuff) which is good for me but there is one thing that has me tripping balls.

I have not cried.

The reason why this is odd for me is because I tend to be a crier... a silent soundless crier... but a crier nonetheless.

Also, I think I cried more when we were together because of how emotionally invested I was:

1.       In one instance I cried because I was heart sore about something.

2.       In two other instances I cried when we were having a bonding moment.

---- I am an emotional guy okay. I think my emotional nature was why I managed to help out with an autism study actually so it’s not a bad thing I would like to think, but wearing my heart on my sleeve does come with many issues ----

This year –in fact, the last four months actually– has been one major learning experience after the other. They say you never really know yourself until you are faced with challenges and I have been learning a lot about myself, both good and bad.

Previously I wrote a whole blog post moping about not being able to fall for someone and all that angst related stuff that I said was not angst.

Well fast-forward to now and I’ve been through a relationship which only lasted a month.

Actually the one before this lasted two months – though I did see both of them about a handful of times, so clearly I am simultaneously getting better and worse at this relationship thing.

At the rate that I am going, my next relationship will last two weeks and I will have seen the person a handful of times too before we break-up.  I will laugh if that happens actually...not really, but somewhat.

ANYWAY, my weird humour and short-lived dating life aside, I must say that I have learned a lot from both relationships.

As much as it would be expected of me to bitch about the bearded lumberjack ex, this blog post isn’t about that because I am not that type of person. Bad mouthing the ex seems like a waste of energy to me especially when there is equal fault.

Basically, this post is specifically related to how difficult dating can be:

Honesty when Communicating

Honesty is important, like your relationship can sink or swim depending on this.

You need to be honest about how you are feeling but you also need to be sensitive about how you tell someone something. This is the dangerous dance that not everyone manages to get right.

Sure, being honest is hard, but lying helps no one. Added with that is the difficulty of trying to be honest while not hurting the feelings of the person you are dating.

It is so easy for things to be misconstrued so there needs to be a certain amount of tact when telling someone something.

Often times some people will tell you about the issues they are having with the relationship when it’s too late and then there is nothing you can do which will help or fix the situation.

Commitment

You have to be willing to stick it out and can’t be bailing after every fight or moment of anxiety about the relationship. Sure sometimes relationship do come to end but I make sure that I don’t regret not having done everything I could to prevent the relationship ending.

If I know that I have done that then I don’t feel too bad about the ways things turn out.

Life happens and sometimes something ends because there is something else further along the path where you need to be.

Timing:

Never start relationships weeks before they are about to write exams...

That is asking for trouble and it will only cause issues.

Also don’t rush it...I got too eager and invested too quickly and that in turn put pressure on both of us.

I made both of these mistakes and it ended poorly.

Letting it go

When all you want to do is hold them as close as possible, it is then that sometimes you just have to let them go.

Some people want to run away from happiness and commitment for various reasons, there is nothing you can do sometimes except just letting them be.

As long as you know that you tried your best to fight for the relationship, and you have no regrets about how things turned out, then all you have left to do is pull an Elsa and “Let it go”.

It’s never easy but there is nothing you can do about it.

I at least made an effort and the lumberjack just wasn’t interested and felt like I was being manipulative about wanting to get back together.

I was insulted by that sentiment because it made it seem like all I was concerned was about my feelings and what I wanted, but I had to learn to let it go.

We were both left hurt and frustrated but getting uptight now helps no one- we just have to deal.

We are all doing the best with the life we were given...sometimes you hold on for dear life, other times you need to let go.

That is just how the cookie crumbles.

Homosexuality:

This is not exactly something that can be avoided in my case but a consequence of coming out late is that while your heterosexual friends get to play the field and learn about stuff, you only get to start playing catch up and learning the rules.

Basically what this means is that I have only recently been learning the in and outs of dating...and boy is it hard.

It is not easy... it’s a steep learning curve that nothing can prepare you for.

Conclusion:

Obviously given my poor track record, I think that it is a given that I am going to be single for a while. I don’t have the emotional energy (nor am I ready) to start something new. I need to focus on me and make me a better person.

Maybe I am just a date one person a year kinda guy? Who knows? But clearly if we are going according to that statistic, then my quota has been filled for now and I will just wait until 2016 or beyond.

Title: The name of this blog post was titled “The Dating Game” but I changed it to “The Crying Game” because of a song that a friend from school (Rachel) suggested I listen to.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS - I also feel that my creative writing will be all the better for it too. I don’t write fiction as much as what I would like, but when I do, it makes me happy.

Am I really like this or just pretending?

I apologise for this post in advance because, to put it bluntly it’ll be some existential bullshit, but what does it mean to be human if we don’t have moments of existentialism and self-reflection on the odd occasion?

I would like to believe that I am a good person.

I try to be helpful and help make the world a less shitty place because life is shit enough and why in the hell do I need to add the misery of the world?

Whether I am a good person is whole other issue on its own.

I used to be somewhat regretful about being a goody-toe shoes in school and never really doing anything bad or truly rebellious in my life so far.

Sure I had a bit of fun, but the most adventurous thing I did in school was launch a broom across the room like a javelin twice in Grade 9, take a drag from someone’s cigarette and do some hubbly while I was Prefect at the occasional party.

I was the good, nice kid.

Now it’s all trivial really...

Otherwise that was it.

There was too much shit going on at home, school and emotionally for me to have a rebellious phase.

ALSO my mother put the fear of misbehaving in me.

I was so scared to do something wrong because my mother made it known that she would be there to make me regret messing up.

I had to get good grades, be polite, respect elders, be helpful, considerate and not cause unnecessary drama. I wouldn’t rock the boat or backchat because that was seen as being disrespectful and rude.

Whatever I was going through would always be insignificant compared to someone else who was going through a whole lot worse shit than I was.

I think it was that constant reminder that my shit was just an anthill compared to someone else’s mountain sized shit that made me try being selfless and less self-absorbed about my issues.

So I quickly tried my best to be a better human being.

My quest to be a better human shattered a bit with the gay thing because I had been raised to believe that it was wrong I would go to hell and etc.

I was left to pick up the pieces and deal with trying to be the whole I believed I was, with this new piece of the puzzle that everyone else said didn’t necessarily contribute towards making me a better person.

And the thing that no straight person can ever truly understand is that the gay thing really fucks you up. It might not fuck you up a lot but it does...

It affected emotionally and psychologically.

That along with the living a meaningful better life while facing socio-economic factors just did me a really solid. (Sarcasm)

I didn’t really get that it would affect me until later actually, on a subconscious level but all the external pressures, the” trying to do my best” pressures, and “trying to be a better human” pressures feels like it’s all led me to question things:

Is anything I am doing is actually something that I want to do out of the kindness of my heart or something I do because I believe it’s what I have been taught is what I ought to do.

What brought this particular topic up is when someone I was developing feelings for mentioned how sweet of a person I was and that I was too sweet and etc...

It made me wonder if I was trying too hard to be this “sweet person” or if I was just pretending to be this sweet sincere person?

Lately I feel like I am fucking up and like I could be trying harder or doing more and like I am letting myself down by not trying to be a better person.  Sure I am adding pressure to myself but I don’t know how not to...

A consequence of all of this is that I tend to be highly emotional, intimidated by authority (because I don’t want to do something wrong) and high strung. I bottle a lot up and when I manage to find a emotional release, I tend to channel a lot of my subsequent emotions into that one avenue.

I struggle to modulate and moderate...and it can be overwhelming.

There is this saying (that I think I’ve coined) and it goes – “We’re all doing the best with the life we are given.”

I would like to believe that I am doing my best...whether I am, I don’t know...can I be doing better...of course.

I have no clue if some of the stuff I do if out of desire or a compulsion to do the right thing (habit) but nonetheless, it is what it is...

Am I really like this or am I just pretending??

I’ll let you know when I find out.

The Lion Tunes #5

Welcome to another edition of The Lion’s Tunes.

At the suggestion of a close friend, I decided to put my love of music to good use.

She pointed out to me that since I love music and listen to so much of it, I should share what songs I’m currently jamming to at the moment.

If you follow me on twitter then you’d know I usually tweet about what music has got me all caught up and catching feelings.

I’m by no means a music expert and I won’t pretend to be. Most of what will be written here is information I’ve learned on the net and just my personal opinions on the songs. 

I was told that because all of you bitches are lazy, I should just embed the stuff. Sure it does make my workload a little complicated, but I do it all for you.

The things we do for the ones we love. -sigh-

So have at it...

·         Song: Never Sleep Alone

Artist: Kasade

Description:

I came across this banger of a song from my twitter pal (@Hey_rynhardt). I really have nothing to else but to let the song speak for itself. It’s a mother*cking great song.

I can guarantee you that you will be murdering it on repeat. 

·         Song: Nightmare

Artist: Miley Cyrus

Description:

This song was actually leaked off Miley's forthcoming new release, and my my is it a mother banger of a tune. I heard it once and became as obsessed as I do. I am always critical and skeptical when it comes to Miley but my criticism of her celebrity persona aside, this woman sure knows how to make damn good music.

·         Song: Repetiton

Artist:  Purity Ring

Description:

I discovered this song after only hearing the first 10 seconds on it on someone’s Instagram account. They posted a clip of the first 10 seconds at a live performance they were at. I asked the guy what the song was, he told me and I obviously went to Youtube to hear the full song. I was so glad that he gave me the name of this song because it is a masterpiece. I feel that this song speaks to my soul and I get it on an emotional level.

Sometimes stuff gets to me and all I do is put the song and block everything out.

This is definitely my one of my favourite songs at the moment.

·         Song:  Our Own House

Artist: Misterwives

Album: Our Own House

Description:

I have featured this group before and the last time I had mentioned that they fit into what I call “Sassy Jazzy Rock” and if their newly released album revealed anything it is that my description of them was utterly perfect.  (Theo for the win!!). 

As usual, I’m listening to the song right now as I am typing, and it’s just such a damn funky song. The trumpets, the groovy guitar and everything just makes me fall more in love with the song the longer it plays. The lead singer (I really should Google her name) has an amazing set of pipes to her and she is quite a petite girl btw. Her tone of voice just works so well.

I am basically ready to learn every single word to the song...actually I’m half way there:

“We built our own house (own house) with our hands over our hearts,

And we swore on that day, that it’ll never fall apart.

We built our own house (own house) with our hands over our hearts,

And we swore on that day, that it’ll never fall apart.

We’ll never fall apart

We’ll never fall apart

With our hands over our heart

We’ll never fall apart”

Additional Mention: “Not Your Way”

As much as they love doing their love songs, they equally love telling someone to move on their way. “Not Your Way” tells the story of a woman telling a guy that his way isn’t law and that she will do things her way. She did not grow up to be anyone’s trophy wife, and this song is all about the woman empowerment but in a way that will even have the guys singing along. It’s fun, spunky and sassy- basically everything I love about this band.

·         Song: Gooey

Artist: Glass Animals

Description:

This song is “Gooey”, and I love it.

When the first few seconds of the song starts you will understand what I mean and then, after that, the beat drops and it’s just a senses overload. I know nothing about the group Glass Animals. I watched the music video for the other day and I was left utterly stumped, it is one of those metaphorical music videos that speak to deeper message of the music videos. Which you never really listen to one the first few times, you only start paying attention to lyrics after about the 5^th time you’ve heard it (or that is what happened in my case). Still it is a damn banging tune and just makes me want to imagine I’m in a dark room slowly swaying my body to the music. Yes, I said sway.

Additional Mention: “Cocoa Hooves”

 I didn’t like this song. I thought that the potential was there but the song didn’t really do much. As what often happens with me is that I sometimes judge songs too quickly, and not all songs make a home in your heart immediately. This one grew on me and while I never seek it on my playlist, when it does come on it just makes me stop and I don’t skip it. You feel the hairs on your arm raise because it just gets you. You just have to listen. There is something quirky and off about the song but it is arbitrary in a way that you feel like you understand. It makes sense in the way that it doesn’t make any sense. I honestly think that that is exactly how to describe the band.

·         Song: Confess To Me

Artist:  Disclosure ft Jessie Ware

Album:  Settle

I really like Disclosure. The family EDM duo from Britain makes great music and more people really need to hear it. It’s just superb. I had already discovered “Latch” featuring Sam Smith and that was a song I fell in Iove with.  “Confess To Me” features the talented vocals of another brit singer I like Jess Ware, and what a tune it is. It builds, takes you a journey where you anticipate it to be a fun and mellow tune but when the rest of the beat comes in it just gets me grooving.

“Confess to me, make me feel it.

Confide in me, don’t resent it.

Cause I can’t stop you from nothing.

I fulfil your desires for you.”

Additional Mention:  “F For You”

Another song from their album, “F For You” was a favourite of mine before RnB songstress Mary J Blige added her vocals to the updated version. The original which I love utilises the vocals of the group and I really liked it. Another version with the vocals of Ms Blige came out of her friendship with another close friend of the group, Sam Smith. Ms Blige came on to the song and added some modern day Rhythm and Blues – I must say that it didn’t hurt the song either. Either way, “F For You” is a great song and “I’d play the fool for” Disclosure anytime when their producing such great tunes.

·         Song: 2 Shy

Artist: Shura

Description:

So I have been hearing more about Shura as there seems to be a growing buzz around her. She is one of the artists poised to make it big either this year or next year but it seems like it is only a matter of time.

There is something very old school about this song. It has that 80s Paula Abdul pop to it but the slow stuff. I didn’t like the song the first time I heard it, and now I’m currently listening to it for the second time and somehow I like it more the second time around. I think because I was expecting something different the first time, but now I get it.

I love the message of the song too. So all in all, give it a listen and find out if you like her vibe.

·         Song: Surrender

Artist: John Lock ft Jaden Michaels

Description:

This song is the “Truth Bomb EDM”.

It is just so good. Listening to it at full blast right now and dancing along makes me realise why I love this song. There is something so honest and emotional about this song. I really love it. I am struggling to formulate how much I love it right now. *Goosebumps*

“Surrender your heart,

Surrender your mind,

Surrender it all to love (to love)

Surrender it all to love.”

I came across this gem once I read that this guy John Lock was actually the dude who was playing drums in Glee for all that time but never spoke once. I always wondered why they never included him in the plot but then I realised that the show pretty much became a mess during season two already.

·         Song: Delilah

Artist: Florence and the Machine

Description:

If you are a Florence fan then of course you will like this.

For those who aren’t so sold on Florence there is nothing I can do for you. Everything I’ve been hearing from her latest album has been darker. Flo has challenged herself in a very different way because she does have the power behind her voice but she doesn’t always show it off which is clearly intentional because she doesn’t want to distract you from her verbrato tone but still keep you engaged and boy does she. Flo of course uses it when she has to but it feels like she consciously pulled back to make you not notice it as much.

This song is pretty cool. You can either listen to it in the background or if you want to shake it off and go crazy.

·         Song: Like I’m Gonna Lose you

Artist:  Meghan Trainor ft John Legend

Description:

This is a collaboration that you never knew you wanted.

It’s moody, emotional and you can slow dance to it. Of course it is a song about loving someone like you are going to lose them because it’s Meghan Trainor and John Legend – did you really expect them to sing about something else?

That aside, the song is great. Sure if you don’t have a significant other it can be pretty sucky but that aside, it is a song that you will appreciate having heard.

It is a wonderful song, just something you want to put your hands up it the air for and slowly move from side to side.

The “Oud maar nog nie Koud nie”:

There might not always be this section within future posts but I thought I would add it in this one nonetheless. 

These songs aren’t new (and may or may not exactly be well known) but yet are still banging. The section title is in Afrikaans which in English means “The old but not yet cold”.

·         Song: Heartbreaker

Artist: MSTRKRFT ft John Legend

I like John Legend. So does my mother.

However, we like him for different reasons. My mom loves him because he tugs on the emotional heartstrings and makes her feel stuff in her lady bits I assume (shudder). I like him for the fact that he has a really cool vibe but also he isn’t afraid to step out of his genre. There have been other dance tracks where he has volunteered his vocals and the fact that he does this is really awesome. I think more artists should do this as it not only challenges them but also encourages them to give their voices something to sing that they haven’t necessarily changed to suit them. Props to MSTRKRFT (pronounced: Mastercraft) for delivering a banger.

I discovered this song during the Season 5 finale of So You Think You Can Dance when a couple danced a cool Sonya Tayeh dance number, (I know it was the winner Jeanine and the adorable Evan Kasperzak who did the dance because I had a crush on Evan). That aside, I fell in love with the song and it has been a track I still love years later.

·         Song: Secrets

Artist: Mary Lambert ft B.O.B

I had heard this song before but forgot about it.

Someone reminded me of it when the revealed something personal of themselves to me. It was a shock to me because it was something that you hear about never associate with a person until they tell you. I respect that person so much for telling me something like that because the person never knew how I’d take it.

Stuff has happened with me and this person, that has left me sad but I will remain optimistic and hope that things work out the way they are meant to. Que Sera Sera, what will be will be.

This song should be given a listen to because it’s a song that just helps you say “Fuck it, I am ME and I love who I AM”. We need more songs like this in the world that celebrate who we are as individuals and no one person is ever identical. This song is really great so please give it a listen when you can.

·         Song: Endorphins

Artist: Sub focus ft Alex Clare

Description:

His song fits right into that Drum and Bass genre; it’s a banging tune with banging vocals. If I was a runner, this would be great music to use for jogging or running as it has that steady thud that just keeps you going.

I discovered this song on the radio, it never really took off in South Africa but it caught a hold of me and I have just kept it in rotation on my playlists ever since. Other than good running music, this song is also wonderful to feel as you dance in your room with the door closed and shut off the world with nothing but the music to be your guide.

·         Song: Little Bit

Artist: Drake ft Lykke Li

Description:

This song is originally Lykke Li’s tune but Drake redid it. This was a song that was originally on his mixtape and so not many people know about it, which is my opinion is a shame because it’s a really great song.

A friend sent me some music and that was how I came across this song, and I’m glad I did. With Drake’s current direction of his music, this song makes me miss the days of his first album. He manages to sing and rap on the song doing something that he is very good at, and in my opinion does too little of.

I think Drake will forever have a chip on his shoulder about which genre he fits in. It’s a battle between the purists that say he isn’t a true MC because he sings and people who will say he isn’t a singer because he raps.  Personally, I just hope he ignores them and finds a balance between both that suits him. He has tried with a few songs that aim for that balance but he hasn’t managed to find it since he debuted in my opinion.

That aside, this will forever be a favourite of mine.

Additional Mention: Hold On (We’re Going Home) by Lykke Li

Lykke Li found a way pay back Drake, with intentional or not, by doing a cover of his song “Hold On (We’re Going Home)” and she does a really good job in my opinion. I like how she changed it up, made it hers much in the same way that he took her song and made it his own version.  Who knows, maybe they will actually managed to collaborate with each other and create a stellar song that excels in vocals and rap lyrics.

Extra:

Songs on the radio that I’m currently obsessed with –

1.      Ty dollar Sign ft Charli XCX – Drop That Kitty

2.      Zedd ft Jon Bellion – Beautiful Now

3.      Alyxx Dione ft Jason Derulo - Chingaling

4.      Tori Kelly – Nobody Love

All tracks should be available on iTunes.

If you have any suggestions don’t be scared to let me know in the comments below.

Theo. Over and Out.

BONUS:

There is this guy on Youtube called Leroy Sanchez. He is pretty damn gifted vocally, and he is not bad to look at either. Here is one of his covers I really like:



Thanks to @DarronDiesel for suggesting I check him out:

PS- I came across this saying that I just felt was so perfect; it went something to the effect of, “The right song will find you at the right time”.  I really hope that the right song found you this week.